One of our managers at work purchased some chair massages for his work group and arranged for this massage group to come in and do them. Just my luck, he had an extra spot, so he gave it to me. I asked him who he was having come in. He said it was just someone he found here locally. "Go on in," he said. "You get the old lady and she does some great pressure." Great.
I walk in and this woman, who I am guessing is in her 60's, has long, permed gray hair in a high, side pony on her head, bright green eye shadow and bright pink lipstick. Her pants had a high waist and her shirt was loudly colored, I can't remember if it was tye-dyed or rainbow. I was clearly over stimulated by what I was taking in. She was nice, so I sat down in the chair and she started tweaking the chair to my needs. Then she stops and says, "I have a great product that will work for you, it's called, It Works!" I think she just called me out for being fat. I said, "Yes, I've heard of it and tried it before." She seemed excited, "Oh, you need to do the wraps, it will take inches off of your waist!" I said, "yeah, I've done it." She looked at me and continued on about how I could do the cleansing too (since clearly the wraps hadn't worked). Turns out she is having an "It Works!" party and I'm invited. Clearly, taking all that is me in, she was seeing dollar signs.
Finally the massage started. Rainbow Brite puts in a cassette tape of really loud, obnoxious, allegedly relaxing music. Who has cassette tapes? Who? The quality of it was horrible. I felt like I was at a naughty smoke shop in downtown Seattle. Anyway, I'm just starting to relax, and out of no where, her hot breath is in my ear, "Is the pressure ok?" she whispered loudly into my ear. I damn near fell out of the chair. Holy crap, who does that? I told Rainbow Brite that I was fine. She continued on and did a mediocre job of a massage. I mean, it's a chair massage, you can't get too involved, but hey, someone was working out the tension in my neck, so it's all good.
A short 15 minutes later, we come to the end. Again, here she comes in my ear in a loud whisper. I mean, she is so close, I could almost feel her tongue. "Now breathe in through your nose..." and she breathes in right in my ear. "Now breathe out through your mouth..." and breathes into my ear. Ok, this is CREEPY. She did this like three times. Then, she decides it's time to have me sit up, so as I do, she puts her hands over my face and tells me to keep my eyes closed and continue breathing. She again, breathes into my face. If I'm the one that is supposed to be breathing, why is she working so hard? And how can I breathe when I am afraid to breathe in her air? Ew. So, now she tells me to slowly open my eyes and focus on her palms, all the while, breathing. Then she takes her hands away and her face is like 2 inches from mine in this crazy smile. It was like having someone shove a clown in your face. I moved my head back. This was too much.
Finally free from deep breathing, Rainbow Brite gives me her card, a pamphlet on It Works! and yoga. She says she'll call me when she is having her next party. I think I'm busy that day. And now, my neck is kind of sore.Warning, do not be suckered into free massage from Rainbow Brite and her ethereal friends.
I seriously can't get the image out of my head of her removing her palms and her face being two inches from mine. I know why people are scared of clowns now. It's a serious condition.
I walk in and this woman, who I am guessing is in her 60's, has long, permed gray hair in a high, side pony on her head, bright green eye shadow and bright pink lipstick. Her pants had a high waist and her shirt was loudly colored, I can't remember if it was tye-dyed or rainbow. I was clearly over stimulated by what I was taking in. She was nice, so I sat down in the chair and she started tweaking the chair to my needs. Then she stops and says, "I have a great product that will work for you, it's called, It Works!" I think she just called me out for being fat. I said, "Yes, I've heard of it and tried it before." She seemed excited, "Oh, you need to do the wraps, it will take inches off of your waist!" I said, "yeah, I've done it." She looked at me and continued on about how I could do the cleansing too (since clearly the wraps hadn't worked). Turns out she is having an "It Works!" party and I'm invited. Clearly, taking all that is me in, she was seeing dollar signs.
Finally the massage started. Rainbow Brite puts in a cassette tape of really loud, obnoxious, allegedly relaxing music. Who has cassette tapes? Who? The quality of it was horrible. I felt like I was at a naughty smoke shop in downtown Seattle. Anyway, I'm just starting to relax, and out of no where, her hot breath is in my ear, "Is the pressure ok?" she whispered loudly into my ear. I damn near fell out of the chair. Holy crap, who does that? I told Rainbow Brite that I was fine. She continued on and did a mediocre job of a massage. I mean, it's a chair massage, you can't get too involved, but hey, someone was working out the tension in my neck, so it's all good.
A short 15 minutes later, we come to the end. Again, here she comes in my ear in a loud whisper. I mean, she is so close, I could almost feel her tongue. "Now breathe in through your nose..." and she breathes in right in my ear. "Now breathe out through your mouth..." and breathes into my ear. Ok, this is CREEPY. She did this like three times. Then, she decides it's time to have me sit up, so as I do, she puts her hands over my face and tells me to keep my eyes closed and continue breathing. She again, breathes into my face. If I'm the one that is supposed to be breathing, why is she working so hard? And how can I breathe when I am afraid to breathe in her air? Ew. So, now she tells me to slowly open my eyes and focus on her palms, all the while, breathing. Then she takes her hands away and her face is like 2 inches from mine in this crazy smile. It was like having someone shove a clown in your face. I moved my head back. This was too much.
Finally free from deep breathing, Rainbow Brite gives me her card, a pamphlet on It Works! and yoga. She says she'll call me when she is having her next party. I think I'm busy that day. And now, my neck is kind of sore.Warning, do not be suckered into free massage from Rainbow Brite and her ethereal friends.
I seriously can't get the image out of my head of her removing her palms and her face being two inches from mine. I know why people are scared of clowns now. It's a serious condition.
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