Shopping. I hate it. In addition to being attacked by a toddler at Applebees last night, I was also accosted by a sales lady. But, unlike the unfinished business I had with the toddler, I took care of the sales lady. I like to think I broke her.
I was looking for a new bra. Now, I will preface this with the normal self-hatred of my body. You see, a lot of chubby girls get to have big boobs. Not me. Everything else is big, but not my hooters. I'm a little bitter about this, but I like to think I have adjusted. Finding a bra that fits is an impossibility because the makers of all clothes think if you are a size whatever around the middle, your hooters must be volumptuous. I speak for all small boobed fat girls when I say, "American designers and child labor of third world countries, this is not true!" I have learned to adjust and "alter" my bras and make it work without looking like I have inverted boobs. Now, if Victoria Secret wasn't a bunch of skinny, big-boobed angel freaks, they might make something that would "lift and separate," on me, but no, they cater to model sizes ranging all the way up to average sizes...and babycakes, I am above average. Anyway, that is the preamble to my story.
First off, our perky sales girl had already approached me several times trying to push her ugly sweaters. They were, afterall, on sale for $12.99. I don't care if they were free, I didn't want them. The perky sales girl also asked me if I wanted a bra fitting, it appeared she was an expert. I declined. I did try on a couple of shirts and looked as ridiculous as I thought I might. Finally, I gave up, went over and picked a bra that I thought would give me the least amount of trouble. I brought it up front and my Mom says, "did you try it on?" I said, "no, I don't need to." Mom had now alarmed the perky sales girl. Perky said, "Now, you better go try it on!" I said, "I don't need to, it will be fine." Perky said, "how do you know, what if it doesn't work?" I said, "it will work." She wasn't buying my story. I said, "look, there isn't a bra made that fits this body." She says, "That's not true, I can work miracles." I said, "not on this body you can't. Look, I've got a big girth and little boobs, YOU can't help me." She said, "oh, but I have tricks that can help!" I told her, "oh, like buying a size smaller and using extender things so it fits around the middle and so the cups aren't so big? I already do that." She was not deterred, she still felt she had the secret to my happiness. She says, "have you tried those inserts?" "Yes, I've not only tried them, I wear them daily and my boobs still rattle around in there like marbles in a cup." I shook my shoulders for effect and shimmied a little. "See?" I said. I finally told her, "Look, I promise I will buy this bra and no matter how much it sucks, I will never bring it back to you for return and I will suck it up and live with the reality that I will never own a bra that fits." You could see it in her eyes...I was the one that got away. I like to call it a victory, she was perky, and I broke her.
I sported the bra all day today. It pinches a little on the side, but I'll live. I wonder if Perky has a cure for that?
I was looking for a new bra. Now, I will preface this with the normal self-hatred of my body. You see, a lot of chubby girls get to have big boobs. Not me. Everything else is big, but not my hooters. I'm a little bitter about this, but I like to think I have adjusted. Finding a bra that fits is an impossibility because the makers of all clothes think if you are a size whatever around the middle, your hooters must be volumptuous. I speak for all small boobed fat girls when I say, "American designers and child labor of third world countries, this is not true!" I have learned to adjust and "alter" my bras and make it work without looking like I have inverted boobs. Now, if Victoria Secret wasn't a bunch of skinny, big-boobed angel freaks, they might make something that would "lift and separate," on me, but no, they cater to model sizes ranging all the way up to average sizes...and babycakes, I am above average. Anyway, that is the preamble to my story.
First off, our perky sales girl had already approached me several times trying to push her ugly sweaters. They were, afterall, on sale for $12.99. I don't care if they were free, I didn't want them. The perky sales girl also asked me if I wanted a bra fitting, it appeared she was an expert. I declined. I did try on a couple of shirts and looked as ridiculous as I thought I might. Finally, I gave up, went over and picked a bra that I thought would give me the least amount of trouble. I brought it up front and my Mom says, "did you try it on?" I said, "no, I don't need to." Mom had now alarmed the perky sales girl. Perky said, "Now, you better go try it on!" I said, "I don't need to, it will be fine." Perky said, "how do you know, what if it doesn't work?" I said, "it will work." She wasn't buying my story. I said, "look, there isn't a bra made that fits this body." She says, "That's not true, I can work miracles." I said, "not on this body you can't. Look, I've got a big girth and little boobs, YOU can't help me." She said, "oh, but I have tricks that can help!" I told her, "oh, like buying a size smaller and using extender things so it fits around the middle and so the cups aren't so big? I already do that." She was not deterred, she still felt she had the secret to my happiness. She says, "have you tried those inserts?" "Yes, I've not only tried them, I wear them daily and my boobs still rattle around in there like marbles in a cup." I shook my shoulders for effect and shimmied a little. "See?" I said. I finally told her, "Look, I promise I will buy this bra and no matter how much it sucks, I will never bring it back to you for return and I will suck it up and live with the reality that I will never own a bra that fits." You could see it in her eyes...I was the one that got away. I like to call it a victory, she was perky, and I broke her.
I sported the bra all day today. It pinches a little on the side, but I'll live. I wonder if Perky has a cure for that?
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