I'd just like to start today by saying that this whole snowpocalypse situation sucks. I know, state the obvious already, right? Well, it's bullshit and I'm sick of it.
I've been in captivity for too long and I'm over it. I'm not good at being caged (to be clear, I don't have practice being put in an actual cage, none of that 50 Shades stuff going on here...more like two pair of RayBan Shades). I must have been a zoo animal in my previous life, or like a bitch living in a cage at a puppy mill mass producing puppies with matted up butt-hair, a blind eye, fleas and peeking through cage bars watching the evil humans do as they please driving back and forth in the snow in their 4X4 trucks. Bastards. Of course, this goes against my previous belief that I was a skinny mini-skirt-wearing-crack-whore in my previous life and that is why I'm fat in this life. Who knows, maybe I've been both. I could have had a lot of lives. We don't know that I haven't.
Anyway, it's been a snow shit show for two weeks. I get this isn't a world's record, but still, in my life, it is way more than enough. Let me give you a glimpse into what's been going on during Snowpocalypse 2019 in the hood.
First, let's start with humanity losing their mother-trucking minds. I get it is a big event for our area that is not used to such weather. I get it. But calm the hell down. Seriously. First of all, did you need all the bread, eggs and milk, Sharon? No, you didn't, but you hoarded it like you were going into a bomb shelter for months. And the vegetables? This is not cause to take all the vegetables, even the weird shit. No one likes beets and squash that much. Look, there are certain kinds of foods that help us through uncertain times like this...macaroni & cheese, hot chocolate, popcorn, soup, Oreo's, Doritos, chicken wings, cheese, pizza, wine (if you're into that) and possibly brownie bites that have big kid medicine in them. These are the foods that are critical for survival. Yeah, bread, eggs and milk are important, but geez, not hoarding amounts by each person!
Secondly, driving in the snow. Washingtonians, as a general rule, know that they suck at driving in the snow...or the rain...or the sun. We have a percentage of the population that have a 4X4 mentality and drive like asshats, another percentage of the population can drive in it, they just don't want the 4X4 people driving them off the road or they decide not to go out on the roads because they don't feel it's necessary or safe. Totally legit. The remaining percentage of the population is scared of their shadow, let alone driving in this stuff. These are the people I can't deal with. The hysteria. Sweet 6.5 pound baby Jesus, just stay home then, okay? Or, be reasonable, don't create hysteria and then continue to feed it. Ugh. Chances are, we are going to live through this. I do concede that if one watches the news, it's pretty easy to get riled since they do stupid shit like have 24-hour coverage about the snow. I mean, Monday, I'm minding my own freaking business, watching The Bachelor during what could arguably be the most boring season ever and we finally get to some drama and some mother trucking news alert interrupts Sydney getting all up on Colton about not giving her enough and she was going to leave. Well, we missed all of it to hear Lori Matsa-freaking-kawa or whatever her name is, tell us that it's still snowing, which she had just finished telling us less than 30 minutes prior. GUESS WHAT, LORI? WE ALL HAVE WINDOWS IN OUR HOMES!!!! Unless we're in prison and if we are, we don't give a shit unless it affects us meeting out in the cafeteria where we need to meet up with Big Troy to trade cigarettes for a nudie of our girlfriend. Other than that, NO REASON to interrupt my Monday night mindless drama fest, got it? I actually was watching the news the first night of snow and the reporter walked up to a guy building a snowman and said, "So, what lead you to making a snowman?" The snow, you dumbshit, THE SNOW!!! I needed 24-hour coverage for this kind of news?
A little closer to home, Shark Bait and I have experienced the loss of his portable tarp shed over his 1940-something Willy's jeep thing. We will rebuild, but what a pain. Then, our hot water tank crapped out last Sunday. Do you think our rental company gives a fuck? Honey Badger gives more of a fuck than they do. Bastards. Meanwhile, we have been living like hillbilly's bathing out of warmed up water on the stove. Poor Shark Bait decided, screw it, he was taking a cold shower. I told him, "look, I already washed my hair in the sink and it was ICE cold, I wouldn't do that, you'll never get your penis to come out again..." Does he listen to me? Nope. In he goes. He comes out a very short time later and his eyes are bulging out of his head and his nipples are practically poking my eyes out from across the room. No comment on his boy parts, but you've seen turtles hiding in their shells, right? Just saying. Nothing almost poked me. (I guess, the "no comment" part was a lie, woops.) Anyway, we also experienced a power outage, which I can't really complain about as we were back up and running within 2 hours I think. Oh, and the mail. We were 4 days without mail. How am I supposed to browse all the fat girl catalogs that come in? How am I going to throw away all the NRA propaganda that comes for Shark Bait that he never opens? How am I going to know what the grocery stores have on sale that probably isn't even on their shelves anymore? The suffering we've had to endure at Snowpocalypse's hands is insurmountable.
In other news, I have been suffering from a bad knee flare up for a while now, which took a horrible turn after a night of bowling. Who knew? Not me. Anyway, so I'm walking around in this snow all super-careful because I know if I go down, it's going to be all she wrote (I don't know who "she" is or why her writing has to stop...?). None the less, Shark Bait took me to an appointment last night and while I was trying to get around the back of the truck, I was hanging on to avoid slippage and I didn't see that he had the trailer hitch on. WHAM! Knocked my allegedly good knee right into it. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. Upon arriving home, I iced both knees. I was in so much pain, I was sick to my stomach. I finally went to bed. Shark Bait comes crawling in and slams his knee into my really bad knee. I yelped in pain. I don't know who I pissed off, but this is so beyond not funny at this point. I don't know how I am supposed to get around, but I'm in bad shape.
None of this knee stuff is helped by all the sitting around and snacking on crap during snowpocalypse. I'm watching this body blow up like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Maybe If I'd had some beets and squash I wouldn't be in this situation...? No. Not true. I was fat before this happened, that's right. It's good to keep perspective.
So, if all this snow could go away, that'd be swell. People can go back to having normal traffic accidents, the news can go back to telling only half of a perspective on the events of the world that doesn't involve snow, the people can go back to bitching that they need a vacation even though they haven't been to work for two weeks. We can start creating new meme's about new stuff, or just keep doing it about politics and whatever the next news event of the week is. Maybe I can drive my truck out of the hood and go where I need to go. Maybe, the maintenance people can finally get out to my house to replace the hot water tank so that I can take a real person's shower. And finally, maybe I'll stop making inappropriate Snapchat's and scaring my friends by posting them on Facebook. Maybe.
Be gone, Snowpocalypse 2019. Be gone.
I've been in captivity for too long and I'm over it. I'm not good at being caged (to be clear, I don't have practice being put in an actual cage, none of that 50 Shades stuff going on here...more like two pair of RayBan Shades). I must have been a zoo animal in my previous life, or like a bitch living in a cage at a puppy mill mass producing puppies with matted up butt-hair, a blind eye, fleas and peeking through cage bars watching the evil humans do as they please driving back and forth in the snow in their 4X4 trucks. Bastards. Of course, this goes against my previous belief that I was a skinny mini-skirt-wearing-crack-whore in my previous life and that is why I'm fat in this life. Who knows, maybe I've been both. I could have had a lot of lives. We don't know that I haven't.
Anyway, it's been a snow shit show for two weeks. I get this isn't a world's record, but still, in my life, it is way more than enough. Let me give you a glimpse into what's been going on during Snowpocalypse 2019 in the hood.
First, let's start with humanity losing their mother-trucking minds. I get it is a big event for our area that is not used to such weather. I get it. But calm the hell down. Seriously. First of all, did you need all the bread, eggs and milk, Sharon? No, you didn't, but you hoarded it like you were going into a bomb shelter for months. And the vegetables? This is not cause to take all the vegetables, even the weird shit. No one likes beets and squash that much. Look, there are certain kinds of foods that help us through uncertain times like this...macaroni & cheese, hot chocolate, popcorn, soup, Oreo's, Doritos, chicken wings, cheese, pizza, wine (if you're into that) and possibly brownie bites that have big kid medicine in them. These are the foods that are critical for survival. Yeah, bread, eggs and milk are important, but geez, not hoarding amounts by each person!
Secondly, driving in the snow. Washingtonians, as a general rule, know that they suck at driving in the snow...or the rain...or the sun. We have a percentage of the population that have a 4X4 mentality and drive like asshats, another percentage of the population can drive in it, they just don't want the 4X4 people driving them off the road or they decide not to go out on the roads because they don't feel it's necessary or safe. Totally legit. The remaining percentage of the population is scared of their shadow, let alone driving in this stuff. These are the people I can't deal with. The hysteria. Sweet 6.5 pound baby Jesus, just stay home then, okay? Or, be reasonable, don't create hysteria and then continue to feed it. Ugh. Chances are, we are going to live through this. I do concede that if one watches the news, it's pretty easy to get riled since they do stupid shit like have 24-hour coverage about the snow. I mean, Monday, I'm minding my own freaking business, watching The Bachelor during what could arguably be the most boring season ever and we finally get to some drama and some mother trucking news alert interrupts Sydney getting all up on Colton about not giving her enough and she was going to leave. Well, we missed all of it to hear Lori Matsa-freaking-kawa or whatever her name is, tell us that it's still snowing, which she had just finished telling us less than 30 minutes prior. GUESS WHAT, LORI? WE ALL HAVE WINDOWS IN OUR HOMES!!!! Unless we're in prison and if we are, we don't give a shit unless it affects us meeting out in the cafeteria where we need to meet up with Big Troy to trade cigarettes for a nudie of our girlfriend. Other than that, NO REASON to interrupt my Monday night mindless drama fest, got it? I actually was watching the news the first night of snow and the reporter walked up to a guy building a snowman and said, "So, what lead you to making a snowman?" The snow, you dumbshit, THE SNOW!!! I needed 24-hour coverage for this kind of news?
A little closer to home, Shark Bait and I have experienced the loss of his portable tarp shed over his 1940-something Willy's jeep thing. We will rebuild, but what a pain. Then, our hot water tank crapped out last Sunday. Do you think our rental company gives a fuck? Honey Badger gives more of a fuck than they do. Bastards. Meanwhile, we have been living like hillbilly's bathing out of warmed up water on the stove. Poor Shark Bait decided, screw it, he was taking a cold shower. I told him, "look, I already washed my hair in the sink and it was ICE cold, I wouldn't do that, you'll never get your penis to come out again..." Does he listen to me? Nope. In he goes. He comes out a very short time later and his eyes are bulging out of his head and his nipples are practically poking my eyes out from across the room. No comment on his boy parts, but you've seen turtles hiding in their shells, right? Just saying. Nothing almost poked me. (I guess, the "no comment" part was a lie, woops.) Anyway, we also experienced a power outage, which I can't really complain about as we were back up and running within 2 hours I think. Oh, and the mail. We were 4 days without mail. How am I supposed to browse all the fat girl catalogs that come in? How am I going to throw away all the NRA propaganda that comes for Shark Bait that he never opens? How am I going to know what the grocery stores have on sale that probably isn't even on their shelves anymore? The suffering we've had to endure at Snowpocalypse's hands is insurmountable.
In other news, I have been suffering from a bad knee flare up for a while now, which took a horrible turn after a night of bowling. Who knew? Not me. Anyway, so I'm walking around in this snow all super-careful because I know if I go down, it's going to be all she wrote (I don't know who "she" is or why her writing has to stop...?). None the less, Shark Bait took me to an appointment last night and while I was trying to get around the back of the truck, I was hanging on to avoid slippage and I didn't see that he had the trailer hitch on. WHAM! Knocked my allegedly good knee right into it. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. Upon arriving home, I iced both knees. I was in so much pain, I was sick to my stomach. I finally went to bed. Shark Bait comes crawling in and slams his knee into my really bad knee. I yelped in pain. I don't know who I pissed off, but this is so beyond not funny at this point. I don't know how I am supposed to get around, but I'm in bad shape.
None of this knee stuff is helped by all the sitting around and snacking on crap during snowpocalypse. I'm watching this body blow up like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Maybe If I'd had some beets and squash I wouldn't be in this situation...? No. Not true. I was fat before this happened, that's right. It's good to keep perspective.
So, if all this snow could go away, that'd be swell. People can go back to having normal traffic accidents, the news can go back to telling only half of a perspective on the events of the world that doesn't involve snow, the people can go back to bitching that they need a vacation even though they haven't been to work for two weeks. We can start creating new meme's about new stuff, or just keep doing it about politics and whatever the next news event of the week is. Maybe I can drive my truck out of the hood and go where I need to go. Maybe, the maintenance people can finally get out to my house to replace the hot water tank so that I can take a real person's shower. And finally, maybe I'll stop making inappropriate Snapchat's and scaring my friends by posting them on Facebook. Maybe.
Be gone, Snowpocalypse 2019. Be gone.
Washingtonians know how to drive in the snow just fine. It’s the transplants who can’t figure shit out. And by transplants I mean anyone whose grandparents weren’t born here.
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