I've recently been friended on the book of the face by a person that posts a lot of positive stuff. He's a very self-assured, confident and positive person and lives his life as such. He's kind of like a Success Buddha (I think he just got a blog name). Anyway, he posts stuff that I instantly have a sarcastic response to because that is pretty much what I do. I hold back from mocking too much, because I don't want to ruin his mojo, plus I secretly worry the universe will punish me. I think I mock a positive outlook because it is easier to make fun of something than it is to embrace it and make a choice to live it. Some would argue that it is actually easy to be positive. I'd counter, you talk to all the angry pony voices in my head and reason with them. I've been seeing the Rug Doctor for years. This isn't a job for amateurs.
Anyway, after reading some of his posts lately, I thought, how did we all decide the Dalai Lama and all these other "deep" people were the end-all-be-all of wisdom? I don't want a history lesson, I'm just saying, I've got some time on my hands and I've got some stuff to say. I'd like a gig as epic as the Dalai Lama sitting there being all deep and saying epic stuff where people are like, "You know what, she's right." For example, the Dalai Lama is all like, "Not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck." Who decided, you know what, that dude is right on, I'm glad I didn't get that promotion, I'm going to adopt this attitude? I'm not saying we need a world of sarcastic admins out there, I'm just saying, I've repeatedly stated, do not wipe poop on the bathroom wall, and nobody has adopted my way of thinking. Do I need to get a robe and sit at the top of the stairway in a meditative trance and chant softly, "use the toilet paper, not your hand....use the toilet paper, not your hand..." and then if someone comes to speak to me, I'm like, "what is it my child?" And then the person says, "Someone took my lunch out of the fridge." I'll sit there all ponderous and think deeply. I might even eat a Hershey's kiss and then close my eyes and exhale. Then I will say something epic like, "Do not want for something that no longer exists, for those who required the nutrients now have them and you are richer for providing that nutrient." That person would say, "You know what, you're right. I didn't really need that left over spaghetti anyway because I have a Cup O Noodle in my desk drawer. Now two people have been fed instead of just one." And with that, the person would walk away.
You know what? Bullshit. This Angry Pony is going to say something useful like, "You know what I think? Sucks to be you, dumbass, that's what you get for putting your lunch in a public fridge. If you were truly hungry, you would have kept it at your desk in a little cooler bag. A smart man looks out for his food in this dog eat dog world. Now, go on with that hunger and plot your revenge. Tomorrow, you bring two lunches, one for yourself and one that has Colon Blow in it and you put that one in the fridge. Now, your food thief will shit his pants and be easy to find and then you can sit there, eat your sammich and laugh your ass off. Now go, your problems make me tired." This is the kind of helpful advice the world needs. I've got more where that came from, too.
Say I'm sitting there, at the top of the stairs again, in a robe and some pony print bottoms, and someone comes to me and says, "Angry Pony, I don't know what to do. There is a car in the visitor parking area and I see it there everyday, so clearly it's someone who works here. Someone needs to do something!" I will once again ponder this most disturbing world problem. I may scratch a little, take a few deep breaths and then I will impart my wisdom on this person. It would probably go something like this, "Dear able-bodied person with a whiny tone, it would appear your legs work and you are able to climb these stairs to reach me. You have a voice in which to cry out in angst. With these things being true, why is the presence of this car disturbing you so? Have you no purpose greater than the car in the visitor parking spot? Have you no ability to walk by the car and go about your day? Are you letting this material object control you? Repeat after me, 'Who gives a shit?' Set your soul free! Go about your day and wonder not where others park, but where you have parked your mind...and hopefully you have one of those auto-lock key chain things that makes your lights blink and horn honk so you can remember where you parked since there was no place in visitor parking for your lazy ass to park. Now, take your petty bullshit, go on-line and donate some money to a charity that actually helps people without able-bodied limbs like yourself that would gladly walk from two rows over from visitor parking! Now go!"
You know, the world needs someone to be that voice of reason. The type of reason that people can readily understand right now. The type of reason that they don't have to wait 20 years to make it click or have hindsight for. I'm talking down and dirty, upfront and honest, in yo' face wisdom.
Seriously, because while the Dalai Lama is saying that it's sometimes good luck to not get what you want, there's another quote I saw that basically says, all things are possible and who you are is only limited by who you think you are, or something like that. Well, that's not what our pal Dalai just said, he said it was good luck, now this other wise-ass is saying you didn't get what you wanted because you were your own limit. Look, we've got a world of millennials out there, we don't have time for them to figure this bullshit out. We've got to be up front and honest with these people. We do not have time for them to self-actualize! There's no time! Between Pokemon Go, Snap Chat, Grand Theft Auto and Game of Thrones, society doesn't have time to make sense out of life. They need someone like Angry Pony to say, "you're being a dumbass! Look, you put the address in the middle of the front of the envelope and yes you need to include their name, street address, apartment number, city, state and zip code! And for fucksake, the stamp goes in mother trucking upper right hand corner!!!"
Look, I'm full of advice and problem solving skills. I may not follow my own advice, but that is only because I am so self-actualized that I think I am fine the way I am even though I'm not, but believe that I am because I know that loving oneself is the key and that when one door closes a window opens, plus I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be as long as I do not look back because that is not where I'm headed, so actually, I do know what I'm talking about because you should always trust yourself and believe in yourself. For all I know, I'm a GD Unicorn! So, what I'm saying is,I'm the girl for this job.
I think I need to create a homepage for my advice. I don't think I do, I know I do. You know why I know? Because the only thing stopping me from what I want is me and I'm not going to stop me, so therefore, that's what I'm going to do.
Stay tuned. Coming to a website near you, bitchy advice from a snarky admin. It's just crazy enough to work.
*FREE! Bonus advice during shark week!
Anyway, after reading some of his posts lately, I thought, how did we all decide the Dalai Lama and all these other "deep" people were the end-all-be-all of wisdom? I don't want a history lesson, I'm just saying, I've got some time on my hands and I've got some stuff to say. I'd like a gig as epic as the Dalai Lama sitting there being all deep and saying epic stuff where people are like, "You know what, she's right." For example, the Dalai Lama is all like, "Not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck." Who decided, you know what, that dude is right on, I'm glad I didn't get that promotion, I'm going to adopt this attitude? I'm not saying we need a world of sarcastic admins out there, I'm just saying, I've repeatedly stated, do not wipe poop on the bathroom wall, and nobody has adopted my way of thinking. Do I need to get a robe and sit at the top of the stairway in a meditative trance and chant softly, "use the toilet paper, not your hand....use the toilet paper, not your hand..." and then if someone comes to speak to me, I'm like, "what is it my child?" And then the person says, "Someone took my lunch out of the fridge." I'll sit there all ponderous and think deeply. I might even eat a Hershey's kiss and then close my eyes and exhale. Then I will say something epic like, "Do not want for something that no longer exists, for those who required the nutrients now have them and you are richer for providing that nutrient." That person would say, "You know what, you're right. I didn't really need that left over spaghetti anyway because I have a Cup O Noodle in my desk drawer. Now two people have been fed instead of just one." And with that, the person would walk away.
You know what? Bullshit. This Angry Pony is going to say something useful like, "You know what I think? Sucks to be you, dumbass, that's what you get for putting your lunch in a public fridge. If you were truly hungry, you would have kept it at your desk in a little cooler bag. A smart man looks out for his food in this dog eat dog world. Now, go on with that hunger and plot your revenge. Tomorrow, you bring two lunches, one for yourself and one that has Colon Blow in it and you put that one in the fridge. Now, your food thief will shit his pants and be easy to find and then you can sit there, eat your sammich and laugh your ass off. Now go, your problems make me tired." This is the kind of helpful advice the world needs. I've got more where that came from, too.
Say I'm sitting there, at the top of the stairs again, in a robe and some pony print bottoms, and someone comes to me and says, "Angry Pony, I don't know what to do. There is a car in the visitor parking area and I see it there everyday, so clearly it's someone who works here. Someone needs to do something!" I will once again ponder this most disturbing world problem. I may scratch a little, take a few deep breaths and then I will impart my wisdom on this person. It would probably go something like this, "Dear able-bodied person with a whiny tone, it would appear your legs work and you are able to climb these stairs to reach me. You have a voice in which to cry out in angst. With these things being true, why is the presence of this car disturbing you so? Have you no purpose greater than the car in the visitor parking spot? Have you no ability to walk by the car and go about your day? Are you letting this material object control you? Repeat after me, 'Who gives a shit?' Set your soul free! Go about your day and wonder not where others park, but where you have parked your mind...and hopefully you have one of those auto-lock key chain things that makes your lights blink and horn honk so you can remember where you parked since there was no place in visitor parking for your lazy ass to park. Now, take your petty bullshit, go on-line and donate some money to a charity that actually helps people without able-bodied limbs like yourself that would gladly walk from two rows over from visitor parking! Now go!"
You know, the world needs someone to be that voice of reason. The type of reason that people can readily understand right now. The type of reason that they don't have to wait 20 years to make it click or have hindsight for. I'm talking down and dirty, upfront and honest, in yo' face wisdom.
Seriously, because while the Dalai Lama is saying that it's sometimes good luck to not get what you want, there's another quote I saw that basically says, all things are possible and who you are is only limited by who you think you are, or something like that. Well, that's not what our pal Dalai just said, he said it was good luck, now this other wise-ass is saying you didn't get what you wanted because you were your own limit. Look, we've got a world of millennials out there, we don't have time for them to figure this bullshit out. We've got to be up front and honest with these people. We do not have time for them to self-actualize! There's no time! Between Pokemon Go, Snap Chat, Grand Theft Auto and Game of Thrones, society doesn't have time to make sense out of life. They need someone like Angry Pony to say, "you're being a dumbass! Look, you put the address in the middle of the front of the envelope and yes you need to include their name, street address, apartment number, city, state and zip code! And for fucksake, the stamp goes in mother trucking upper right hand corner!!!"
Look, I'm full of advice and problem solving skills. I may not follow my own advice, but that is only because I am so self-actualized that I think I am fine the way I am even though I'm not, but believe that I am because I know that loving oneself is the key and that when one door closes a window opens, plus I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be as long as I do not look back because that is not where I'm headed, so actually, I do know what I'm talking about because you should always trust yourself and believe in yourself. For all I know, I'm a GD Unicorn! So, what I'm saying is,I'm the girl for this job.
I think I need to create a homepage for my advice. I don't think I do, I know I do. You know why I know? Because the only thing stopping me from what I want is me and I'm not going to stop me, so therefore, that's what I'm going to do.
Stay tuned. Coming to a website near you, bitchy advice from a snarky admin. It's just crazy enough to work.
*FREE! Bonus advice during shark week!
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