Can You Become Numb To Anger?

Do you remember being a kid just playing and then suddenly screaming and your parents came running to see if you were okay? And every time after that, when you screamed or cried, they'd come check on you, maybe having a little slower response-time as they got used to your shenanigans?  And then after that, pretty soon, they didn't come running, they figured you were fine.  And you were.  You didn't die, it was a long way from your heart. That spider didn't kill you (although, I have it on good authority, they seek vengeance on humans all across the world and are Satan's minions and they love the blood of children) nobody bled to death, you grew up and here you are, no worse the wear for getting socked in the arm by that little bastard, Bobby, that lived down the street from you.  No worse the wear for falling off your bike or getting shocked from peeing on an electric fence.  You're fine.  And, your parents have probably lost some sleep along the way worrying about the stupid shit you did, but eventually, they just shrugged and went with it.  They may have built up a little resistance to your bullshit.  Not that they don't care, but it's all in the day of the life of a parent raising a strong-willed child.  Or, maybe you were a little angel and never caused them any pain because you were perfect. (*coughs*) Bullshit.

Anyway, my point in going on about wearing down your parents is that I think it is a good metaphor for what I am experiencing in my life right now, which is, I fear I have developed a numbness to my anger.  Perhaps, my give a damn is busted for good.

It's no secret, I can go on a tangent about things that piss me off.  I created this Angry Pony blog to help me express those angry rants and to entertain people about the stupid shit that happens in life that really does need to be analyzed or laughed about.  In the beginning, it was funny stories, then it went to just raging about everything, then back to random stuff, and then it became a journal in my weight-loss journey and in dealing with my on-going depression and figuring life out.  Writing is how I work things out. Weird, but it's how I do it.  Well, that and eating...and petting my pony....and watching skinny girls in turmoil on TV...and sex.  But I digress.  Anyway, in the space I am in mentally right now, I'm coming to discover that while I can get angry about the stupid things in everyday life, like the asshats on the mother trucking freeway on the way home, I'm not really able to reach the kind of anger I need to affect change in my life.  That saddens and scares me at the same time.

Is it possible that I have become numb to true anger?  I don't mean the kind of numb you get from sitting on the toilet too long reading Cosmo and then you can't stand up because you can't feel your legs, but you have to get up because it hurts, but you're afraid if you get up you'll fall down and someone will find you on the floor with your underwear around your ankles, Cosmo thrown across the floor and you may or may not have left skid marks on the seat. I mean the kind of numb where being mad doesn't seem effective in any way anymore.  Some might say that anger never solves anything.  I disagree.  I think sometimes you have to get so mad about how life is going that you put your foot down and vow to make a change.  You change your life.  You hit rock-bottom and say, NO MORE.  You stop the bullshit because you are driven by this power within.  And, somewhere along the line it changes from anger to action and change and then to having a power within you that says, "you know what? There is nothing I can't do."  I don't mean the kind of power you need to sit in line at the DMV waiting to renew your drivers license or to sit on Santa's lap at Christmas.  Those are short-term, temporary goals.  I am talking long-term, change your life stuff.

I've talked before about feeling angry that I have never had "a moment" that made me want/need to change.  It's always been there, this need for change.  As an overweight infant, toddler, child, teen-ager, young adult and now full-on mid-life crisis unicorn-loving friend-of-chocolate, I've always had to fight for change.  And, my body has always fought against me.  I have always lost. In 2013, I had hope for the first time in a long time and while I started to succeed, my body betrayed me and then I succumbed to the depression again.  I think a part of me figured that was my last chance and I blew it.

My therapist says it is the years of negative re-enforcement that has caused these internal messages of "I can't" and that I need to re-program positive messages in my head.  How do I do that when I'm all, "If I read one more Pinterest pin telling me that every day is a blessing and that there is something positive in each day and we get back what we put out to the universe, I'm going lose it!"  My therapist has been trying to reprogram me for years.  It's like she's trying to take a kitchen mop and equip it to make a flight to the moon and back.  I don't think it can be done.  See there, that's my problem.  Just so you know, we've pin-pointed my problem.  It isn't hiding anywhere, it's like an elephant standing in the open prairie, we can see it.

So, am I just so tired of trying to change that I can't get angry enough anymore? I can't get down-right furious that I can't achieve this one thing in life that I want the most?  And don't tell me maybe it isn't meant to be, or that I should be happy for what I have.  I am happy for what I have, but that does not change my desire and need to be in a healthier body.  So, just do it, you say.  Stop bitching and just do it. Seems simple.  Why can't I dig deep enough to do it?  Why can't I get angry enough to do it?  Have all the asshats on the freeway cutting me off wore out my give a damn?  Where is my inner warrior?  Where is Angry Pony?

And so, I'm at a standstill. I'm at a crossroad.  I'm at an Taco Bell wanting an Oreo Blizzard from DQ.  You know what I mean?  Does anyone else feel like this?  Is anyone else so overwhelmed by all the hate and anger in the world that you've just succumbed to this place of being where you are just, "meh, whatever?"  I don't think you are.  I see all the rage on social media all the time.  But that is not productive anger, that is just spewing hate, I guess.  Totally different.  However, people are genuinely upset about what is going on in the world.  Do we all feel so helpless to change it that we just accept it and grumble?  We just live our life and take what it gives us?  We just berate stupid people in You Tube videos because that is our outlet? 

I'm asking, how do I stop being numb to the anger?  How do I find the courage and strength?  I actually encourage your advice, unless you're quoting Buddha, save that shit for Pinterest. And, the first person that quotes me Curly from the movie City Slickers and tells me I gotta figure out this "one thing,"  I'll throat punch you.  See, there is anger, but it isn't going to change my life unless I end up in prison.  Not helpful, but on the other hand I bet I could lose weight in prison...

Angry Pony vs. Dalai Lama

I've recently been friended on the book of the face by a person that posts a lot of positive stuff.  He's a very self-assured, confident and positive person and lives his life as such.  He's kind of like a Success Buddha (I think he just got a blog name).  Anyway, he posts stuff that I instantly have a sarcastic response to because that is pretty much what I do. I hold back from mocking too much, because I don't want to ruin his mojo, plus I secretly worry the universe will punish me.  I think I mock a positive outlook because it is easier to make fun of something than it is to embrace it and make a choice to live it. Some would argue that it is actually easy to be positive.  I'd counter, you talk to all the angry pony voices in my head and reason with them.  I've been seeing the Rug Doctor for years.  This isn't a job for amateurs.

Anyway, after reading some of his posts lately, I thought, how did we all decide the Dalai Lama and all these other "deep" people were the end-all-be-all of wisdom?  I don't want a history lesson, I'm just saying, I've got some time on my hands and I've got some stuff to say.  I'd like a gig as epic as the Dalai Lama sitting there being all deep and saying epic stuff where people are like, "You know what, she's right."  For example, the Dalai Lama is all like, "Not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck." Who decided, you know what, that dude is right on, I'm glad I didn't get that promotion, I'm going to adopt this attitude? I'm not saying we need a world of sarcastic admins out there, I'm just saying, I've repeatedly stated, do not wipe poop on the bathroom wall, and nobody has adopted my way of thinking. Do I need to get a robe and sit at the top of the stairway in a meditative trance and chant softly, "use the toilet paper, not your hand....use the toilet paper, not your hand..." and then if someone comes to speak to me, I'm like, "what is it my child?"  And then the person says, "Someone took my lunch out of the fridge."  I'll sit there all ponderous and think deeply.  I might even eat a Hershey's kiss and then close my eyes and exhale.  Then I will say something epic like, "Do not want for something that no longer exists, for those who required the nutrients now have them and you are richer for providing that nutrient."  That person would say, "You know what, you're right.  I didn't really need that left over spaghetti anyway because I have a Cup O Noodle in my desk drawer.  Now two people have been fed instead of just one."  And with that, the person would walk away.

You know what?  Bullshit.  This Angry Pony is going to say something useful like, "You know what I think? Sucks to be you, dumbass, that's what you get for putting your lunch in a public fridge.  If you were truly hungry, you would have kept it at your desk in a little cooler bag.  A smart man looks out for his food in this dog eat dog world.  Now, go on with that hunger and plot your revenge.  Tomorrow, you bring two lunches, one for yourself and one that has Colon Blow in it and you put that one in the fridge.  Now, your food thief will shit his pants and be easy to find and then you can sit there, eat your sammich and laugh your ass off.  Now go, your problems make me tired."  This is the kind of helpful advice the world needs.  I've got more where that came from, too.

Say I'm sitting there,  at the top of the stairs again, in a robe and some pony print bottoms, and someone comes to me and says, "Angry Pony, I don't know what to do.  There is a car in the visitor parking area and I see it there everyday, so clearly it's someone who works here.  Someone needs to do something!"  I will once again ponder this most disturbing world problem.  I may scratch a little, take a few deep breaths and then I will impart my wisdom on this person.  It would probably go something like this, "Dear able-bodied person with a whiny tone, it would appear your legs work and you are able to climb these stairs to reach me.  You have a voice in which to cry out in angst. With these things being true, why is the presence of this car disturbing you so?  Have you no purpose greater than the car in the visitor parking spot?  Have you no ability to walk by the car and go about your day?  Are you letting this material object control you? Repeat after me, 'Who gives a shit?' Set your soul free!  Go about your day and wonder not where others park, but where you have parked your mind...and hopefully you have one of those auto-lock key chain things that makes your lights blink and horn honk so you can remember where you parked since there was no place in visitor parking for your lazy ass to park.  Now, take your petty bullshit, go on-line and donate some money to a charity that actually helps people without able-bodied limbs like yourself that would gladly walk from two rows over from visitor parking!  Now go!"

You know, the world needs someone to be that voice of reason.  The type of reason that people can readily understand right now.  The type of reason that they don't have to wait 20 years to make it click or have hindsight for.  I'm talking down and dirty, upfront and honest, in yo' face wisdom.  

Seriously, because while the Dalai Lama is saying that it's sometimes good luck to not get what you want, there's another quote I saw that basically says, all things are possible and who you are is only limited by who you think you are, or something like that.  Well, that's not what our pal Dalai just said, he said it was good luck, now this other wise-ass is saying you didn't get what you wanted because you were your own limit.  Look, we've got a world of millennials out there, we don't have time for them to figure this bullshit out.  We've got to be up front and honest with these people.  We do not have time for them to self-actualize!  There's no time!  Between Pokemon Go, Snap Chat, Grand Theft Auto and Game of Thrones, society doesn't have time to make sense out of life.  They need someone like Angry Pony to say, "you're being a dumbass! Look, you put the address in the middle of the front of the envelope and yes you need to include their name, street address, apartment number, city, state and zip code! And for fucksake, the stamp goes in mother trucking upper right hand corner!!!"

Look, I'm full of advice and problem solving skills.  I may not follow my own advice, but that is only because I am so self-actualized that I think I am fine the way I am even though I'm not, but believe that I am because I know that loving oneself is the key and that when one door closes a window opens, plus I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be as long as I do not look back because that is not where I'm headed, so actually, I do know what I'm talking about because you should always trust yourself and believe in yourself. For all I know, I'm a GD Unicorn!  So, what I'm saying is,I'm the girl for this job.

I think I need to create a homepage for my advice.  I don't think I do, I know I do.  You know why I know?  Because the only thing stopping me from what I want is me and I'm not going to stop me, so therefore, that's what I'm going to do.

Stay tuned.  Coming to a website near you, bitchy advice from a snarky admin.  It's just crazy enough to work.  

*FREE! Bonus advice during shark week!