So...today. What the fuck? It was like a roller coaster I could not get off of because the ride operator was high and didn't realize I'd been riding it for eight hours. Seriously.
Woke up to find I had not locked Lola's stall door last night, so she had been traipsing about the barn all night. Luckily, she could not get to the hay. I come in the house and the towels in the dryer I had been trying to dry the night before had been turned off. Why? Shark Bait said, "they were dry." No, they were not dry. It was an illusion. They were warm, but when you let them cool off, they were not yet dry. Thusly why I had turned the dryer on. Both survivable moments, however.
I arrive at work and that is where the real trouble began. I'm barely past the guards desk, ready to head down the stairs to my lair [ Lair - noun; 1.a den or resting place of a wild animal: The cougar retired to its lair.] (hey, after my day, I felt I need to provide a definition) and I have someone (from another department, mind you) telling me that the fixture for the water/ice machine has come off and water is spraying everywhere when you try and get water. Additionally, the water is not as cold as it should be. First of all, why in the hell would someone take the damn faucet thing off? Seriously? Have times gotten so tough we are stealing a piece of copper from the ice machine? Has the janitor, who spends most of his time leaning on the cleaning cart or hanging in the break area, finally decided to give himself a bonus? What? Why?
I send an email out to the building advising them to remain calm. I knew if I didn't, people would bug me all damn day about it. I wrote the following:
Woke up to find I had not locked Lola's stall door last night, so she had been traipsing about the barn all night. Luckily, she could not get to the hay. I come in the house and the towels in the dryer I had been trying to dry the night before had been turned off. Why? Shark Bait said, "they were dry." No, they were not dry. It was an illusion. They were warm, but when you let them cool off, they were not yet dry. Thusly why I had turned the dryer on. Both survivable moments, however.
I arrive at work and that is where the real trouble began. I'm barely past the guards desk, ready to head down the stairs to my lair [ Lair - noun; 1.a den or resting place of a wild animal: The cougar retired to its lair.] (hey, after my day, I felt I need to provide a definition) and I have someone (from another department, mind you) telling me that the fixture for the water/ice machine has come off and water is spraying everywhere when you try and get water. Additionally, the water is not as cold as it should be. First of all, why in the hell would someone take the damn faucet thing off? Seriously? Have times gotten so tough we are stealing a piece of copper from the ice machine? Has the janitor, who spends most of his time leaning on the cleaning cart or hanging in the break area, finally decided to give himself a bonus? What? Why?
I send an email out to the building advising them to remain calm. I knew if I didn't, people would bug me all damn day about it. I wrote the following:
This just in….3rd
floor break room ice/water machine is in distress!
I
wasn’t even all the way to my desk this morning when the first reports
of tragedy in the breakroom came in. It appears someone has taken the
fixture off of the
water machine, thusly causing water to spurt recklessly all over the
humans using it. Additionally, as if that isn’t enough drama for the
Glass Palace, the water is also coming out warm. For all of the people
filling up their water jugs, this is a defcon
4 situation. I, myself, got some ice out of the machine without any
sort of issue or bodily injury and then went to the sink to fill up my
water bottle. It was at that time I noticed the cold water wasn’t
really that cold at all, but thanks to the ice in
my cup, I’m going to be okay. I’m going to get chilled water.
So
now what? First, remain calm. Secondly, know that I have reported this
issue to the Building Dude. No further action is required on your part
except to go about
your day with as much normalcy as you can until this situation is back
under control. (hint: no one else needs to report this to me, to the two people that already have, THANK YOU Crime fighters!)
Additionally,
if you, or anyone you know, has information on the suspect that has
stolen the water fixture from the machine, please let the proper
authorities know…like
maybe Sean at the guard’s desk. This likely happened after hours when
Sean was not diligently manning his post. I know this wouldn’t have
happened during his watch.
Thank you,
It wasn't long and someone arrived at my desk to report that someone in the break room found something odd in her cup. Apparently, while filling her water cup yesterday, she didn't notice when it fell off in her cup. So, today, she's like, "what's this...?" Luckily, Camo Boy's BFF was there and advised her it was the piece missing from the machine that was causing the issue. Don't ask me how she didn't notice yesterday. Was her water odd tasting? Heavier? I don't know. I don't know what happens in this building where people drop bacon in random places and possible road kill is on the carpet. I just don't know. I sent out the following update:
Subject: ***UPDATE**** FW: Breaking News re: Water/Ice Machine
I’m sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled
programming, but I wanted to share information that just came in about
the nozzle that fits on the water machine. It has been located. I
repeat, it has been located. Apparently it fell into someone’s cup
yesterday while they were filling up and they didn’t know what it was or
where it came from. This morning when they went to fill up, poof,
there it was, water nozzle, in their cup. No word yet if the water
tasted differently with the nozzle enhancement.
It has been put back on the machine by one of the
civilians of the Palace, however, it is a bit loose still. Be careful
out there, we just don’t know when it will drop into someone’s water
again.
Rest easy, Sean the Guard, justice has been upheld. The Palace has been secured.
This seemed to calm down the work humans.
After that, honestly, the day is a blur. I just remember a series of events that seemed so ridiculous. Some of which I won't write about simply to secure my future employment. Suffice it to say that someone is being a dirtbag. And then others are making me shake my head. One email I received had the word "wordage" in it instead of "verbiage." Are we just making stuff up now? Ever since they put the word "irregardless" in the dictionary and acknowledge it's existence, albeit incorrect, the whole English language has gone downhill. I'm not saying I always use it correctly, but sometimes, I wonder.
Another thing that made me shake my head. An email goes out stating in the subject line that people are needed at 1PM. The body of the email says come to my office. At 12:30pm, I have people at my desk confused because the email was confusing. What part was confusing? The part where you are needed at 1PM? I don't get it.
Then, I have a guy come up to my desk. He's from some other department, IT or something, I don't know, I wasn't completely invested. He had been meeting with my boss for a while. He says, "So you're the one that sends out all those emails, it's nice to meet you. At first when I got them, I thought, wow, that's a different way to communicate, and then I thought it was funny. I could never write an email like that and get away with it." I laughed and said, "yeah, I can't believe that I do, but for some reason...I do. But, if I go missing one day, it's cuz I got fired for one of my emails." I speak the truth.
I think I'm probably like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. I fly by the tower, but I still get to fly! People seem to like the humor. HR had me write some emails for recruiting. Not too Cassondra-ish, but they let me put a smidge of myself in there to create interest. The HR gal came down and told me that everyone, including the President and the VP and everyone loved the recruiting emails I wrote and wanted to know if it was okay if the recruiting team sent them out instead of me and if that was a problem. I'm not going to get famous off of them and it isn't like it was my cutting edge stuff. Whatevs. Next time, they'll need to buy the rights.
Anyway, I'm just trying to finish my day when the Building Dude comes down to talk to me. One hour of my day, gone. He's a chatty fellow. We are trying to find a space for us to use for a special project and that discussion took forever. Then, one of the IT guys comes over to ask about a ticket I put in. He doesn't know how to fix my problem, but proceeds to tell me all about how he doesn't like to make phone calls because his wife over analyzes all his phone calls and he's had mean bosses and stuff and now he really has anxiety about calling people and blah, blah, blah. There is 15 minutes I am never going to get back. Nice guy, but I'm exhausted.
So, combine all the stuff I can't talk about and the craziness of the day and then me having to stop by the store to pick up 250 freaking plates and forks for tomorrow's launch party, which is half of my pain right now, and then fast forward to Gelato getting put in the cart and here I am blogging and eating Gelato. Shark Bait just came home and said, "ooooo, what's that?" and went to reach for my pink plastic spoon that I use especially for ice cream and I screamed, "Don't you dare touch that, I will CUT YOU WITH THIS PLASTIC SPOON!!!" He laughed and tried to grab it again. My eyes changed to that of a crazed woman. I said, "you think I'm joking, I'm not. I'll fucking kill you over this."
And that is how you handle that.
It isn't like there isn't more in the freezer. Don't judge.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go crack a Mike's or something. Gelato doesn't fix everything.
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