WTF Wednesday

So...today.  What the fuck? It was like a roller coaster I could not get off of because the ride operator was high and didn't realize I'd been riding it for eight hours.  Seriously.

Woke up to find I had not locked Lola's stall door last night, so she had been traipsing about the barn all night.  Luckily, she could not get to the hay. I come in the house and the towels in the dryer I had been trying to dry the night before had been turned off.  Why?  Shark Bait said, "they were dry."  No, they were not dry.  It was an illusion.  They were warm, but when you let them cool off, they were not yet dry.  Thusly why I had turned the dryer on.  Both survivable moments, however.

I arrive at work and that is where the real trouble began. I'm barely past the guards desk, ready to head down the stairs to my lair [ Lair - noun; 1.a den or resting place of a wild animal: The cougar retired to its lair.] (hey, after my day, I felt I need to provide a definition) and I have someone (from another department, mind you)  telling me that the fixture for the water/ice machine has come off and water is spraying everywhere when you try and get water.  Additionally, the water is not as cold as it should be.  First of all, why in the hell would someone take the damn faucet thing off?  Seriously?  Have times gotten so tough we are stealing a piece of copper from the ice machine?  Has the janitor, who spends most of his time leaning on the cleaning cart or hanging in the break area, finally decided to give himself a bonus?  What?  Why?

I send an email out to the building advising them to remain calm. I knew if I didn't, people would bug me all damn day about it.  I wrote the following:

You forwarded this message on 9/23/2015 9:55 AM

This just in….3^rd floor break room ice/water machine is in distress!

 

I wasn’t even all the way to my desk this morning when the first reports of  tragedy in the breakroom came in.  It appears someone has taken the fixture off of the water machine, thusly causing water to spurt recklessly all over the humans using it.  Additionally, as if that isn’t enough drama for the Glass Palace, the water is also coming out warm.  For all of the people filling up their water jugs, this is a defcon 4 situation.  I, myself, got some ice out of the machine without any sort of issue or bodily injury and then went to the sink to fill up my water bottle.  It was at that time I noticed the cold water wasn’t really that cold at all, but thanks to the ice in my cup, I’m going to be okay.  I’m going to get chilled water.

 

So now what? First, remain calm.  Secondly, know that I have reported this issue to the Building Dude. No further action is required on your part except to go about your day with as much normalcy as you can until this situation is back under control. (hint: no one else needs to report this to me, to the two people that already have, THANK YOU Crime fighters!)

 

Additionally, if you, or anyone you know, has information on the suspect that has stolen the water fixture from the machine, please let the proper authorities know…like maybe Sean at the guard’s desk.  This likely happened after hours when Sean was not diligently manning his post.  I know this wouldn’t have happened during his watch.

 

Thank you, 

 

It wasn't long and someone arrived at my desk to report that someone in the break room found something odd in her cup.  Apparently, while filling her water cup yesterday, she didn't notice when it fell off in her cup.  So, today, she's like, "what's this...?"  Luckily, Camo Boy's BFF  was there and advised her it was the piece missing from the machine that was causing the issue.  Don't ask me how she didn't notice yesterday.  Was her water odd tasting?  Heavier?  I don't know.  I don't know what happens in this building where people drop bacon in random places and possible road kill is on the carpet.  I just don't know.  I sent out the following update:

 

 Subject: ***UPDATE**** FW: Breaking News re: Water/Ice Machine

I’m sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, but I wanted to share information that just came in about the nozzle that fits on the water machine.  It has been located.  I repeat, it has been located.  Apparently it fell into someone’s cup yesterday while they were filling up and they didn’t know what it was or where it came from.  This morning when they went to fill up, poof, there it was, water nozzle, in their cup.  No word yet if the water tasted differently with the nozzle enhancement.

It has been put back on the machine by one of the civilians of the Palace, however, it is a bit loose still.  Be careful out there, we just don’t know when it will drop into someone’s water again.

Rest easy, Sean the Guard, justice has been upheld.  The Palace has been secured.

 

This seemed to calm down the work humans.

 

After that, honestly, the day is a blur.  I just remember a series of events that seemed so ridiculous.  Some of which I won't write about simply to secure my future employment.  Suffice it to say that someone is being a dirtbag.  And then others are making me shake my head.  One email I received had the word "wordage" in it instead of "verbiage."  Are we just making stuff up now?  Ever since they put the word "irregardless" in the dictionary and acknowledge it's existence, albeit incorrect, the whole English language has gone downhill.  I'm not saying I always use it correctly, but sometimes, I wonder.

 

Another thing that made me shake my head.  An email goes out stating in the subject line that people are needed at 1PM.  The body of the email says come to my office.  At 12:30pm, I have people at my desk confused because the email was confusing.  What part was confusing?  The part where you are needed at 1PM?  I don't get it.

 

Then, I have a guy come up to my desk.  He's from some other department, IT or something, I don't know, I wasn't  completely invested.  He had been meeting with my boss for a while.  He says, "So you're the one that sends out all those emails, it's nice to meet you.  At first when I got them, I thought, wow, that's a different way to communicate, and then I thought it was funny.  I could never write an email like that and get away with it."  I laughed and said, "yeah, I can't believe that I do, but for some reason...I do.  But, if I go missing one day, it's cuz I got fired for one of my emails."  I speak the truth.

 

I think I'm probably like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.  I fly by the tower, but I still get to fly!  People seem to like the humor.  HR had me write some emails for recruiting.  Not too Cassondra-ish, but they let me put a smidge of myself in there to create interest. The HR gal came down and told me that everyone, including the President and the VP and everyone loved the recruiting emails I wrote and wanted to know if it was okay if the recruiting team sent them out instead of me and if that was a problem.  I'm not going to get famous off of them and it isn't like it was my cutting edge stuff.  Whatevs.  Next time, they'll need to buy the rights.

 

Anyway, I'm just trying to finish my day when the Building Dude comes down to talk to me.  One hour of my day, gone.  He's a chatty fellow.  We are trying to find a space for us to use for a special project and that discussion took forever.  Then, one of the IT guys comes over to ask about a ticket I put in.  He doesn't know how to fix my problem, but proceeds to tell me all about how he doesn't like to make phone calls because his wife over analyzes all his phone calls and he's had mean bosses and stuff and now he really has anxiety about calling people and blah, blah, blah.   There is 15 minutes I am never going to get back.  Nice guy, but I'm exhausted.

 

So, combine all the stuff I can't talk about and the craziness of the day and then me having to stop by the store to pick up 250 freaking plates and forks for tomorrow's launch party, which is half of my pain right now, and then fast forward to Gelato getting put in the cart and here I am blogging and eating Gelato.  Shark Bait just came home and said, "ooooo, what's that?" and went to reach for my pink plastic spoon that I use especially for ice cream and I screamed, "Don't you dare touch that, I will CUT YOU WITH THIS PLASTIC SPOON!!!"  He laughed and tried to grab it again.  My eyes changed to that of a crazed woman. I said, "you think I'm joking, I'm not.  I'll fucking kill you over this."  

 

And that is how you handle that.

 

It isn't like there isn't more in the freezer.  Don't judge.

 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go crack a Mike's or something.  Gelato doesn't fix everything.

Weighing on my mind...

I have not written about my weight-loss "journey" in a while.  Mostly because I feel like there isn't much to tell and I feel like I have let myself down, along with everyone who was pulling for me.  I have avoided the discussion, the process and mostly...the scale.  It isn't like I didn't know what it would say when I got on it this morning. I struggle to put on clothes everyday.  I know what I've done. I know what has happened. I am ashamed and discouraged. And, while I don't spend a lot of time talking or writing about my journey these days, there is never a moment that passes that I am not thinking about it. Not one moment that I am not thinking about what I'm eating, drinking, how much I'm moving, if my clothes are tight or if I look in a mirror. There is no escape.

I saw the Rug Doctor last week and told her how I was feeling.  I told her that it would be so much easier if I was either completely engaged in my success and dedicated to reaching my goals or completely accepting of my failure and inevitable lifestyle. This in-between place is hard.  This constant struggle with myself is exhausting and defeating.  She said, "That's because you have hope."  I immediately stopped her, "Don't you dare say I have hope, I don't."  I do not have hope because there is no reason to have it.  I continued and told her that I had a desire for my life to be different, that is completely different than having hope.  She said that this desire for change is a distant cousin to hope. I don't care what family tree desire and hope are on, I just know I'm not related. 

The Rug Doctor and I continued on talking about where I am at and what that means.  I mean, it's a journey, it isn't over, right?  I feel like it's over.  I feel like I had this huge momentum after the surgery to get started, to change.  And, little by little, I did. And then life happens, as it does, and things happen and my progress slowed and then stopped when I got hurt. All of the expectations I had for myself, to be healthier and stronger and wearing a little black dress, where are they now? Instead of a long stall, I have now gone backwards and gained weight back.  Most people can't understand what that feels like or what that means to a lifetime fat person. I saw a light for a while and for the first time, I was not just thinking about moving towards it, I was running towards it. And just when it was at it's brightest, it suddenly was gone. All the milestones...wrapping a towel all the way around, going to Victoria Secrets...those boots, my first pair of knee high boots.  I literally sat there during my session with tears raging down my face and sobbing about those damn boots.  Those damn boots that represented so much to me, that meant so much, that made me feel powerful.  Like I had accomplished something. Those damn boots that are sitting in my closet right now that currently don't fit. I cried so hard and it hurt so bad. Over boots. Cried over them like they were a lost child. Even at this moment writing about them cuts me to the core.

So, why write about this stuff?  No one wants to read gloom and doom.  I write it because I feel like a fraud.  Because I feel like I promised myself and those around me such big things and I failed and it hurts.  And I write because of the people that read this blog, for whatever reason, and struggle with weight just like I do. It would not be the real journey if I left this part out.  This hard part.  This part that sucks. I am, if nothing else, real.  I try to be, anyway.  I can't pretend that everything is okay and that I am okay and that this is just a bump in the road.  That's bullshit.  This is hard. I have no more figured out today than I did three years ago.  I have people that told me that I inspired them to lose weight.  That cuts the deepest. I sure as hell am not an inspiration now.  I'm pretty much just the girl that can tell you what to do if you want to throw it all away. Anyway, whatever, it's where I am. No denying that.

And so, the journey...I so hate that word...journey...the journey is far from over (unless I die tonight or sometime soon and then, it's totally over), so I have no choice.  I just keep fighting. It's all I know, it's what I do. I have no new program or surgery or plan. I just have to do it. That's always been the case. And, I better do something soon because now I have this stupid short hair and this big pumpkin head and I look like Tommy Boy in all my clothes.

That pretty much concludes tonight's episode of, "Wow, she's gained a lot of weight back. How sad."

Next milestone...clown pants.

My New Friend Wednesday...

Some of you may recall that I have been mourning the loss of my Boot Bitch family over the last several months.  Some of the girls have moved on to other jobs outside of the company and some to other jobs within the company. The long and short of it is, I don't get to see my bitches. With all of my bitches leaving me, it's been lonely.  Sassy Pants recommended that I should really befriend one of her friends that I had seen around.  So, I did what anyone in my situation would do, I walked up to my "new friend" and said, "So, we are going to be friends now."  My "new friend" seemed scared, but willing.  We have since been chit chatting and getting to know each other.  Today we reached the point in our evolving friendship where she has been bequeathed a blog name.  The time had come.

It all stared out simply enough.  She came up to my desk to ask me how I was doing.  She then shared that she had a tough night the night before with a bitchy customer, so when she went home, she had to drink wine.  Well, first she had to go to Whole Foods and see if she could find some vegan mac n cheese.  And, there was a coupon for it, so that seemed like the thing to do.  I stopped her right there.  She just went into a realm I could not understand for a variety of reasons.  Let me break it down for you.

1. She had a hard day and she decided to treat herself, maybe even be a little "destructive" with comfort food.  Her comfort food was VEGAN MAC n CHEESE.  That's comfort food?  Really?  You're going to show you're body you love it and you are sorry the day sucked and you went to Whole Foods and bought vegan mac n cheese.  Whoa, easy girl.
2. She went to Whole Foods.  She didn't go to the liqueur store, or Baskin Robbins, she went to Whole freaking Foods.
3. She had a coupon.  I mean, if you are going to live a little, buy something bad for you and pay full price, because why?  Because you don't give a shit and bitches be crazy!

I sat there and blinked at her.  She was unaffected. She felt she had done the logical thing. Look, Spock, if I need comfort, I am going to fuck some things up, eat some bad ass food and not care what I spend.  This rational, logical, non harmful approach is something I can't even get my mind around.  I questioned our ability to relate as friends.  I thought maybe it was a good idea to clear the air on some other topics, so I started the inquisition.

•  I bet you don't even step on cracks in the sidewalk, do you? She never did answer this question. Curious, but I bet she doesn't, she just doesn't want to admit it.  She wants to be badass on some level.
• Do you use the F word? Do you say Fuck?  NO.  She tries to keep her communication clean...but sometimes she thinks it.  She doesn't say Fuck?  Mind. Blown.
• Do you speed in your vehicle?  She did once, but got pulled over, so she never has since.  I can't even talk to this girl.
• What is your stance on pre-marital sex? She is okay with it because it is possible for it to be enjoyable.  It's possible?  Or it is?  I didn't delve into that.
• Do you recycle?  She tries to.  Does she compost?  Most of the time.  Sweet Maryanne, I don't know what to do with all this information.
• What do you do if the Jehovah Witnesses come to your door? Are you nice to them?  She says she reacts completely unemotional and tells them she doesn't believe in God.  That's when it hit me, why didn't I see it before? She is like the character Wednesday from The Adams Family.  Her blog name is henceforth - Wednesday. 

Our conversation continued.  Out of the blue, she did admit to cat-calling at a Mormon boy, as if that showed her commitment to a life of shenanigans.  There may be hope for this relationship, after all.

And then, things got really deep.  I told her that she had just inspired me to blog, which I hadn't done in a while and that I was giving her a blog name.  I told her it was Wednesday.  She seemed to like it.  We then talked about what day of the week I would be, if my name was a day of the week.  I said I would probably be a Thursday.  You know, not Wednesday, I couldn't see myself as that, and I couldn't be a Friday full of fun and optimism.  And Tuesday, who's a Tuesday?  Not me, not Wednesday.  But maybe I could be a Monday, full of angst, stress and low energy.  I mean, Thursday, that is like, almost there, almost to Friday, but still hanging on.  So yeah, I could be a Monday or a Thursday, but not the other days.  Don't get me started on Saturday or Sunday, I'm not going to be a weekend day.  That's just too wild.  Anyway, I think we resolved some important stuff today.

I still am unsure of Sassy Pants recommendation, I mean, Wednesday doesn't say the F word.  I don't even know what to do with that.  Her go to comfort food doesn't have an animal in it.  Animals are tasty.  I don't know if we can go the distance, but if she cat-called a Mormon boy, well, that's something.

She may well end up being as colorful as my Boot Bitches, but it is going to take a while to see all the colors.  This one...this one isn't a sharer like the others.  Again, I don't know what to do with that.  I'm a sharer.

That is all I have to share today, really, but I just had to share with my readership that I have encountered something I do not understand and it will likely come up again.  This theory of responsible, calm reactions to things in life that suck.  I feel like I just discovered a new planet in the universe. More studies must be done.  Ooooo, I could have named her Lab Rat  or Big Bang Theory....but, she really is a Wednesday.  I can't go back on my blog name intuition.

Welcome to the blog, Wednesday.