Today was a strange day. I had a calmness about me that I have not had in over a month. I don't know why. I have two theories. One, it was a "trifecta" night: shark week was over, I blogged and...well, I'm just going to say it...Shark Bait figured out #11 (if you saw my Facebook post, you understand, if you didn't, well, you can probably still figure it out). Or, secondly, I'm bipolar. Anyway, this morning I am calm. I am even wearing one of my dresses that allows my chubby knees and back-of-the-knee fat to show, and, like Honey Badger, I didn't give a shit. I owned it. I'm not saying I wasn't obsessed about it all day, I'm just saying I allowed it to happen.
I arrived at work and was immediately faced with someone up in my business. I was calm. He asked me if I had a new haircut. I stared at him, "Nope." He said, "are you wearing it different?" I responded again, "Nope," and smiled sweetly (with a hint of "are you freaking crazy?") I finished my conversation with him and just moments later, someone that shall remain nameless said, "Hey, do you have any double D batteries?" I stopped, turned slowly and said, "Double D batteries? Um...I don't think they make those..." He was immediately embarrassed. "I mean the small ones...I want the A's....the double A's." I said, I'm sure I have some here somewhere. He was still dying a thousand deaths, "I can't believe I said that." I was like, "Look, I've said a lot of stupid shit, I wouldn't worry about it." He retreated to his desk and I promised to bring him the hooters, I mean, batteries in a minute. I wish this person didn't already have a blog name, because if they didn't, their name would now be "Double D." I was dying laughing inside, but on the outside, I was calm.
After the battery debacle, I tended to the vending machine refunds waiting for me. Some I could read, others I could not. I sent out an email to the building letting them know that they needed to write their names in a way that a half-blind admin could decipher. I delivered my message with my usual flair for the dramatic. I got a couple of emails back saying how they loved my emails. One person suggested that his work group enjoyed my emails and that I should consider writing a blog or doing a podcast. Yeah, I may just consider the blog part. The podcast I am sure would get me fired. The next email was from someone in a different department telling me how I needed to get the vending machine room upgraded to a full-service fresh food area. What? Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention anywhere in my email that I gave a shit about that? NO, I sent an email about refunds. Now suddenly, I'm building a better tomorrow in the break room. Get off my ass, already! Then someone I don't know, in a different department, in which I know nothing about sends me an email that says, "hey, did you get my vacation cash out form? Has that been approved yet?" Mystified, I said, "um, I don't believe I have jurisdiction over that request...are you trying to give me more work?" This person replied, "Oh, no, I know it is MY job, I just wasn't sure if you had gotten it yet?" Let me say this, if you are in a department and you don't know who your admin is, you are probably screwed. Did I just become the admin to the whole building? Sweet Jesus. I should just be glad she didn't tell me that she had shit in stall number one in her bathroom.
All of this left me mystified. I don't really know how it all happened, but now, whenever someone leaves their lights on in the parking lot, loses something, finds something, etc. they come to me and ask me to send an email about it. Any one of these people are capable of using the same distro list that I use to reach the masses. I don't mind doing it, really, but I don't understand how when I do these "announcements" that it leads to me approving their vacation cash-out, revamping the break room, supplying suggestions on how to use the coffee machine, educating people on the poisonous mushrooms outside and reporting the caterpillar situation. And then, there was the follow-up instant message, "I brought in some homemade smoked cheese if you want some."
And, I'm still calm.
The day continued on and Stilletto Barbie and Sassy Pants came to see me in my natural habitat. I was kind of coerced into a hug situation. For just a moment, Stilletto hugged me and I hugged her back. I went to pull away and she said, "I'm not done yet." And so we hugged some more. Seemed a little unorthodox, but she said she was told she is a good hugger. I think she was trying to show me the way of her people. People that are open to Cross Fit Crazy's fuzziness. This event was captured on film and posted to FB by Sassy Pants, so there is documented proof that I hug people...in daylight...in public...without alcohol, drugs or as a result of hearing bad news. And, that unlike the Preying Mantis, I do not devour my "hug mate" upon completion of aforementioned hug. I'm as safe as any ride at Disneyland.
I managed to finish out my work day with a sense of calmness. I was actually disappointed because I have been a crying, angry mess for two weeks (or longer, okay, I admit it) and now it was time for therapy Thursday and I was calm. Son of a bitch. I walked into the Rug Doctor's office and said, "Well, I've got news, I'm bi-polar." She seemed surprised by that, but we talked it out and in the end, turns out, I'm likely not bipolar, but, I am still a mess. Rug Doctor was all excited as she said, "I have a new mantra for you!" and she wrote on her little white board by her chair, "Not my circus, not my monkey." I laughed and said, "I've had that posted to my wall on FB about 5 times this week. It's like you are all trying to tell me something." We went on to discuss many things about my issues and it turns out, the problem is, out of all the voices in my head, the depression, anxiety, fear, anger an "fuck-it" voices are all screaming so loud that I can't hear my rational voice. I'm focusing on negative self-esteem talk and not self-compassion. It would seem I have a long way to go to get those other voices to shut the fuck up so the only rational one in the group can get a word in edge-wise. My trip to the Drug Doctor tomorrow should help that little problem-o.
So, for now, I'm still calm, still in my post shark week, post blogging and post #11 state. I think I"ll call it a night and see if I can remain calm tomorrow. I did blog again tonight and Shark Bait is still awake... maybe that will help, too.
I arrived at work and was immediately faced with someone up in my business. I was calm. He asked me if I had a new haircut. I stared at him, "Nope." He said, "are you wearing it different?" I responded again, "Nope," and smiled sweetly (with a hint of "are you freaking crazy?") I finished my conversation with him and just moments later, someone that shall remain nameless said, "Hey, do you have any double D batteries?" I stopped, turned slowly and said, "Double D batteries? Um...I don't think they make those..." He was immediately embarrassed. "I mean the small ones...I want the A's....the double A's." I said, I'm sure I have some here somewhere. He was still dying a thousand deaths, "I can't believe I said that." I was like, "Look, I've said a lot of stupid shit, I wouldn't worry about it." He retreated to his desk and I promised to bring him the hooters, I mean, batteries in a minute. I wish this person didn't already have a blog name, because if they didn't, their name would now be "Double D." I was dying laughing inside, but on the outside, I was calm.
After the battery debacle, I tended to the vending machine refunds waiting for me. Some I could read, others I could not. I sent out an email to the building letting them know that they needed to write their names in a way that a half-blind admin could decipher. I delivered my message with my usual flair for the dramatic. I got a couple of emails back saying how they loved my emails. One person suggested that his work group enjoyed my emails and that I should consider writing a blog or doing a podcast. Yeah, I may just consider the blog part. The podcast I am sure would get me fired. The next email was from someone in a different department telling me how I needed to get the vending machine room upgraded to a full-service fresh food area. What? Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention anywhere in my email that I gave a shit about that? NO, I sent an email about refunds. Now suddenly, I'm building a better tomorrow in the break room. Get off my ass, already! Then someone I don't know, in a different department, in which I know nothing about sends me an email that says, "hey, did you get my vacation cash out form? Has that been approved yet?" Mystified, I said, "um, I don't believe I have jurisdiction over that request...are you trying to give me more work?" This person replied, "Oh, no, I know it is MY job, I just wasn't sure if you had gotten it yet?" Let me say this, if you are in a department and you don't know who your admin is, you are probably screwed. Did I just become the admin to the whole building? Sweet Jesus. I should just be glad she didn't tell me that she had shit in stall number one in her bathroom.
All of this left me mystified. I don't really know how it all happened, but now, whenever someone leaves their lights on in the parking lot, loses something, finds something, etc. they come to me and ask me to send an email about it. Any one of these people are capable of using the same distro list that I use to reach the masses. I don't mind doing it, really, but I don't understand how when I do these "announcements" that it leads to me approving their vacation cash-out, revamping the break room, supplying suggestions on how to use the coffee machine, educating people on the poisonous mushrooms outside and reporting the caterpillar situation. And then, there was the follow-up instant message, "I brought in some homemade smoked cheese if you want some."
And, I'm still calm.
The day continued on and Stilletto Barbie and Sassy Pants came to see me in my natural habitat. I was kind of coerced into a hug situation. For just a moment, Stilletto hugged me and I hugged her back. I went to pull away and she said, "I'm not done yet." And so we hugged some more. Seemed a little unorthodox, but she said she was told she is a good hugger. I think she was trying to show me the way of her people. People that are open to Cross Fit Crazy's fuzziness. This event was captured on film and posted to FB by Sassy Pants, so there is documented proof that I hug people...in daylight...in public...without alcohol, drugs or as a result of hearing bad news. And, that unlike the Preying Mantis, I do not devour my "hug mate" upon completion of aforementioned hug. I'm as safe as any ride at Disneyland.
I managed to finish out my work day with a sense of calmness. I was actually disappointed because I have been a crying, angry mess for two weeks (or longer, okay, I admit it) and now it was time for therapy Thursday and I was calm. Son of a bitch. I walked into the Rug Doctor's office and said, "Well, I've got news, I'm bi-polar." She seemed surprised by that, but we talked it out and in the end, turns out, I'm likely not bipolar, but, I am still a mess. Rug Doctor was all excited as she said, "I have a new mantra for you!" and she wrote on her little white board by her chair, "Not my circus, not my monkey." I laughed and said, "I've had that posted to my wall on FB about 5 times this week. It's like you are all trying to tell me something." We went on to discuss many things about my issues and it turns out, the problem is, out of all the voices in my head, the depression, anxiety, fear, anger an "fuck-it" voices are all screaming so loud that I can't hear my rational voice. I'm focusing on negative self-esteem talk and not self-compassion. It would seem I have a long way to go to get those other voices to shut the fuck up so the only rational one in the group can get a word in edge-wise. My trip to the Drug Doctor tomorrow should help that little problem-o.
So, for now, I'm still calm, still in my post shark week, post blogging and post #11 state. I think I"ll call it a night and see if I can remain calm tomorrow. I did blog again tonight and Shark Bait is still awake... maybe that will help, too.
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