Today, I have done something so extreme, so unpredictable, so...possibly unforgivable. Shark Bait may never forgive me and that is why I am blogging about it. If our relationship should dissolve as a result of my actions today, I want my side documented. I want it all out in the open. I want people to know what really happened.
Let me start from the beginning, so that you can truly understand what led me to this moment of indiscretion. When I first met Shark Bait, he used Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper. It was amazingly soft, but it had a tendency to leave a little of the toilet paper behind. It was like wiping your ass with a dog that was shedding, if you ask me. Over time, as our relationship progressed, I convinced Shark Bait that perhaps we should consider Charmin Ultra Strong. It is still soft and durable, but it doesn't leave all the residue behind. I explained that I understood how precious his little ass is, but that maybe, just maybe, we could make a change. He was skeptical at first, but he finally came around and agreed that, indeed, the Charmin Ultra Strong was the way to go. We even attempted to use Angel Soft, but again, we were not happy. Charmin Ultra Strong was the only one for us.
I don't want to discount the roll that Charmin has played in our lives. I mean, it was there for us in the beginning when we were wiping dog shit out from between our toes in the middle of the night. Shark Bait would leave Chip loose at night and Chip would leave us surprises in the carpet. A midnight run to the bathroom was like a blind excursion into a mine field. Charmin was there to help. Charmin was there during the Great Shit Race of 2006 when I got the stomach flu and spent several days in the bathroom. And then Shark Bait's Dad came over and also got the flu that same week. We would both run for that one little bathroom in hopes we didn't have to share the seat. The toilet paper was abundant, supportive and soft. And finally, when my butt could take no more violence from my intestines, baby wipes took over the job. But Charmin didn't mind. Charmin waited for the time we could be together again. Charmin was there after my surgery when I couldn't fart with confidence and shit my pants...twice. Charmin is still there for Shark Bait every day as he spends time in the bathroom reading novels and losing all feelings in his legs. Charmin is there when he smurfs the seat. Charmin has seen me through so many shark weeks. Charmin has been there through allergies, make-up crisis, epic Pug Dog meltdowns. It's really like a family member. Sure, it's kind of expensive, but so worth it. We get the mega-rolls since we are short on storage here at the cabin and we go out of our way to get it if one store doesn't have it. It's kind of a big deal. But, it is kind of spendy and we can't get it at Costco when we can get everything else. I've been wanting to change for a while, but have not been brave enough to do it.
I think you all know where I am going with this. You're right. Damn it, you're right. Today, I cheated on Shark Bait. I had left work early to go get an MRI done on my shoulder. I finished and really didn't want to go back to work, so I took some personal time and ran some errands. I found myself in Costco, alone. There was no crowd since it was mid-afternoon, mid-week. Shark Bait wasn't roaming and looking at a bunch of stuff we didn't need. I was at one with the shopping experience. I strolled around, leisurely. I didn't have to take out any toddlers, old ladies or pushy people on a mission. In the back of my mind, I considered what I was about to do. Would I have the courage? I knew we only had one role of toilet paper left at home. I didn't want to have to make another stop. I mean, it is a mega roll, we can make it a few days, but what if something catastrophic happens and we have a new intestinal nightmare? We can't leave it to chance. I pushed my cart to the toilet paper section. The thing about Costco is that it only carries a couple of brands. It carries Charmin Ultra Soft, but not Charmin Ultra Strong. I was about to make a life changing decision. It was quiet. I was alone. I looked at the price for 48 roles. I was instantly seduced. How could I not take advantage of the Kirkland brand? There it was, in all it's glory, a package priced so right, it hurt. It was more than I would be able to use in a long time. What if I got the toilet paper and it was horrible? What if it was a mistake? I would have enough toilet paper to last a lifetime. Shark Bait would never forgive me, never fully trust me again. I mean, we've never talked about bringing a new kind of toilet paper into our lives. This was a bold move. I stood there unsure, but also excited at the same time. This could be the start of something new. But, it could also change our lives forever. Finally, in a moment of weakness, but also bravery, I grabbed the package and put it in the cart. It felt good, but weird. I've never just changed brands on him like this before. Would he be strong enough to see the cost savings? Would he be open to change? Would he be okay? Most importantly, would it get the shit off our ass? How would I break it to Shark Bait? What if he was disappointed in me? What if he went out and bought his own Charmin and I had to use all the Kirkland toilet paper on my own? As I sit here writing this, I just don't know what the night will bring. Maybe I won't tell him and see if he notices...
Anyway, I have stored just a fraction of the roles in the bathroom. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with the others. I squeezed the rolls as I put them in the cabinet. It doesn't feel the same. I know we were never supposed to squeeze the Charmin, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes we did, even if by accident. I'm already nervous. I just want everyone to know, I was just trying to do one-stop shopping, I was just trying to save us money. I didn't mean for this to happen today, but it just did. Please don't judge me. I'm just a girl, who met a boy, that really likes luxurious toilet paper. I didn't know this day would come, but now that it has, I must face the consequences.
Ut-oh...Shark Bait just texted me about what we need, he's at the grocery store...awkward....Wish me luck!
Let me start from the beginning, so that you can truly understand what led me to this moment of indiscretion. When I first met Shark Bait, he used Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper. It was amazingly soft, but it had a tendency to leave a little of the toilet paper behind. It was like wiping your ass with a dog that was shedding, if you ask me. Over time, as our relationship progressed, I convinced Shark Bait that perhaps we should consider Charmin Ultra Strong. It is still soft and durable, but it doesn't leave all the residue behind. I explained that I understood how precious his little ass is, but that maybe, just maybe, we could make a change. He was skeptical at first, but he finally came around and agreed that, indeed, the Charmin Ultra Strong was the way to go. We even attempted to use Angel Soft, but again, we were not happy. Charmin Ultra Strong was the only one for us.
I don't want to discount the roll that Charmin has played in our lives. I mean, it was there for us in the beginning when we were wiping dog shit out from between our toes in the middle of the night. Shark Bait would leave Chip loose at night and Chip would leave us surprises in the carpet. A midnight run to the bathroom was like a blind excursion into a mine field. Charmin was there to help. Charmin was there during the Great Shit Race of 2006 when I got the stomach flu and spent several days in the bathroom. And then Shark Bait's Dad came over and also got the flu that same week. We would both run for that one little bathroom in hopes we didn't have to share the seat. The toilet paper was abundant, supportive and soft. And finally, when my butt could take no more violence from my intestines, baby wipes took over the job. But Charmin didn't mind. Charmin waited for the time we could be together again. Charmin was there after my surgery when I couldn't fart with confidence and shit my pants...twice. Charmin is still there for Shark Bait every day as he spends time in the bathroom reading novels and losing all feelings in his legs. Charmin is there when he smurfs the seat. Charmin has seen me through so many shark weeks. Charmin has been there through allergies, make-up crisis, epic Pug Dog meltdowns. It's really like a family member. Sure, it's kind of expensive, but so worth it. We get the mega-rolls since we are short on storage here at the cabin and we go out of our way to get it if one store doesn't have it. It's kind of a big deal. But, it is kind of spendy and we can't get it at Costco when we can get everything else. I've been wanting to change for a while, but have not been brave enough to do it.
I think you all know where I am going with this. You're right. Damn it, you're right. Today, I cheated on Shark Bait. I had left work early to go get an MRI done on my shoulder. I finished and really didn't want to go back to work, so I took some personal time and ran some errands. I found myself in Costco, alone. There was no crowd since it was mid-afternoon, mid-week. Shark Bait wasn't roaming and looking at a bunch of stuff we didn't need. I was at one with the shopping experience. I strolled around, leisurely. I didn't have to take out any toddlers, old ladies or pushy people on a mission. In the back of my mind, I considered what I was about to do. Would I have the courage? I knew we only had one role of toilet paper left at home. I didn't want to have to make another stop. I mean, it is a mega roll, we can make it a few days, but what if something catastrophic happens and we have a new intestinal nightmare? We can't leave it to chance. I pushed my cart to the toilet paper section. The thing about Costco is that it only carries a couple of brands. It carries Charmin Ultra Soft, but not Charmin Ultra Strong. I was about to make a life changing decision. It was quiet. I was alone. I looked at the price for 48 roles. I was instantly seduced. How could I not take advantage of the Kirkland brand? There it was, in all it's glory, a package priced so right, it hurt. It was more than I would be able to use in a long time. What if I got the toilet paper and it was horrible? What if it was a mistake? I would have enough toilet paper to last a lifetime. Shark Bait would never forgive me, never fully trust me again. I mean, we've never talked about bringing a new kind of toilet paper into our lives. This was a bold move. I stood there unsure, but also excited at the same time. This could be the start of something new. But, it could also change our lives forever. Finally, in a moment of weakness, but also bravery, I grabbed the package and put it in the cart. It felt good, but weird. I've never just changed brands on him like this before. Would he be strong enough to see the cost savings? Would he be open to change? Would he be okay? Most importantly, would it get the shit off our ass? How would I break it to Shark Bait? What if he was disappointed in me? What if he went out and bought his own Charmin and I had to use all the Kirkland toilet paper on my own? As I sit here writing this, I just don't know what the night will bring. Maybe I won't tell him and see if he notices...
Anyway, I have stored just a fraction of the roles in the bathroom. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with the others. I squeezed the rolls as I put them in the cabinet. It doesn't feel the same. I know we were never supposed to squeeze the Charmin, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes we did, even if by accident. I'm already nervous. I just want everyone to know, I was just trying to do one-stop shopping, I was just trying to save us money. I didn't mean for this to happen today, but it just did. Please don't judge me. I'm just a girl, who met a boy, that really likes luxurious toilet paper. I didn't know this day would come, but now that it has, I must face the consequences.
Ut-oh...Shark Bait just texted me about what we need, he's at the grocery store...awkward....Wish me luck!
P.S. Shark Bait brought Charmin Ultra Strong home with him today. We now will not need TP for a LONG time.
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