In light of last night's blog, I decided to take affirmative action today regarding my mental health. I was trying to decide what doctor to see when my pal, Sassy Pants, suggested a doctor she sees and kinda likes. Okay, I'll do it. I call and lo and behold, they have an appointment today. Fantastic. Let's just get this ball rolling and get it over with.
I meet the doctor and she seems nice enough. And, let's be clear, she isn't a doctor, she is one of those nurse practitioner types. I guess she is like Diet Coke. She is "Doctor Lite." Same great personality, just without all those extra pesky qualifications. I don't know, they are supposed to be just about as good as a fer real doctor, so I am told. Whatever. Anyway, I took the little quiz asking how depressed I really am. I think I nailed it! Doctor Lite comes in and asks me why I'm there. I tell her. She then wants to know why I came to see her, who have I been seeing the last couple of years? Well, a whole network of people, really. I mean, I got the fat doctor, the throat doctor, the skin doctor, the gyno doctor, you know, kind of like a hypochondriac pit crew. I'm not a hypochondriac, but I have stuff going on, I have people for aforementioned stuff.
Doctor Lite continues asking me questions about my surgery, my therapy, what my beef is with life, etc. She says, "so you are going to therapy? For how long have you been going?" I tell her it has been about a year with this doctor, maybe more. She considers the time and almost seems like she can't believe I'm not "fixed" yet. She says, "Do you think it's helping?" I was irritated. Why would I go if it wasn't helpful? We carried on and she wants to know if I think my weight is a big part of my depression. Um, duh. I said, "pretty much don't feel like I can be happy unless I lose the weight and can do the things I want to do. I keep screwing it up and I'm really mad at myself. Are there other issues in my life, sure, but yeah the weight is a big issue." She considers this. She says, "Do you work out?" I tell her, yes, I do. She considers this and decides to give me some "life changing" advice. She says, and write this down people, this is profound, she says, "Just find a 30 day plan and do it, probably like a Paleo eating plan. Doesn't matter which one it is, just find one and do it. You can do anything for 30 days. So just do it. Then at the end of 30 days do it again, or pick a different plan. Doesn't matter." Wow, why had I NEVER considered trying some random 30 day plan? Where was she all those years ago when she could have CHANGED. MY. LIFE? There it is folks, the recipe for success. It's just that simple. Just do it. Why didn't I ever think of "just doing it?" I should have checked her client list. I bet she helps others like Wiley Coyote and Elmer Fudd through their hard times. It's always the same drill with doctors. You know, I'm not expecting them to be Hellen Keller, Certified Miracle Worker, but give me some credit. I'm complicated. My problem is bigger than "just do it." Maybe it should be that simple, BUT IT ISN'T. For all of you that have successfully just done it, good for you! I'm ecstatic for you, really I am.
Finally, Doctor Lite sends me off with a prescription for Zoloft. I said, "You know, some of these meds I'm kind of scared of because I see the commercials and the serious voice dude always talks about how you can get the shits, headaches, a limp biscuit and possibly death." She says, "yeah, I wish they would stop doing those commercials, they don't help anyone, they just scare them, people don't need to know all that." What? What do you mean we don't need to know? I said, "Look, I don't want to suddenly get an appetite, sleep all day or become unable to have sex, so if it does any of those things, forget it." She didn't really assure me, but said I should be okay, we'll start on a low dose and see how it goes. With a pat on the head, I was done.
I'm sitting here at home now, checking out the med deets and looking at potential side effects. Did I mention that she said I will probably be nauseous and tired? That's it. In looking into the details, here is what I can expect:
(okay what if the uncontrollable shaking is my fist or middle finger? Am I going to need documentation on file at work for this?)I meet the doctor and she seems nice enough. And, let's be clear, she isn't a doctor, she is one of those nurse practitioner types. I guess she is like Diet Coke. She is "Doctor Lite." Same great personality, just without all those extra pesky qualifications. I don't know, they are supposed to be just about as good as a fer real doctor, so I am told. Whatever. Anyway, I took the little quiz asking how depressed I really am. I think I nailed it! Doctor Lite comes in and asks me why I'm there. I tell her. She then wants to know why I came to see her, who have I been seeing the last couple of years? Well, a whole network of people, really. I mean, I got the fat doctor, the throat doctor, the skin doctor, the gyno doctor, you know, kind of like a hypochondriac pit crew. I'm not a hypochondriac, but I have stuff going on, I have people for aforementioned stuff.
Doctor Lite continues asking me questions about my surgery, my therapy, what my beef is with life, etc. She says, "so you are going to therapy? For how long have you been going?" I tell her it has been about a year with this doctor, maybe more. She considers the time and almost seems like she can't believe I'm not "fixed" yet. She says, "Do you think it's helping?" I was irritated. Why would I go if it wasn't helpful? We carried on and she wants to know if I think my weight is a big part of my depression. Um, duh. I said, "pretty much don't feel like I can be happy unless I lose the weight and can do the things I want to do. I keep screwing it up and I'm really mad at myself. Are there other issues in my life, sure, but yeah the weight is a big issue." She considers this. She says, "Do you work out?" I tell her, yes, I do. She considers this and decides to give me some "life changing" advice. She says, and write this down people, this is profound, she says, "Just find a 30 day plan and do it, probably like a Paleo eating plan. Doesn't matter which one it is, just find one and do it. You can do anything for 30 days. So just do it. Then at the end of 30 days do it again, or pick a different plan. Doesn't matter." Wow, why had I NEVER considered trying some random 30 day plan? Where was she all those years ago when she could have CHANGED. MY. LIFE? There it is folks, the recipe for success. It's just that simple. Just do it. Why didn't I ever think of "just doing it?" I should have checked her client list. I bet she helps others like Wiley Coyote and Elmer Fudd through their hard times. It's always the same drill with doctors. You know, I'm not expecting them to be Hellen Keller, Certified Miracle Worker, but give me some credit. I'm complicated. My problem is bigger than "just do it." Maybe it should be that simple, BUT IT ISN'T. For all of you that have successfully just done it, good for you! I'm ecstatic for you, really I am.
Finally, Doctor Lite sends me off with a prescription for Zoloft. I said, "You know, some of these meds I'm kind of scared of because I see the commercials and the serious voice dude always talks about how you can get the shits, headaches, a limp biscuit and possibly death." She says, "yeah, I wish they would stop doing those commercials, they don't help anyone, they just scare them, people don't need to know all that." What? What do you mean we don't need to know? I said, "Look, I don't want to suddenly get an appetite, sleep all day or become unable to have sex, so if it does any of those things, forget it." She didn't really assure me, but said I should be okay, we'll start on a low dose and see how it goes. With a pat on the head, I was done.
I'm sitting here at home now, checking out the med deets and looking at potential side effects. Did I mention that she said I will probably be nauseous and tired? That's it. In looking into the details, here is what I can expect:
- nausea (can't wait)
-
diarrhea (I've shit my pants before, I don't want to do it again)
-
constipation (great, depressed and now I can't poop)
-
vomiting (weight loss woot woot)
-
dry mouth (I'll just drink more?)
-
gas or bloating (= bitchy)
-
loss of appetite (if only)
-
weight changes (I'd better not get fatter)
-
drowsiness (I'm already drowsy)
-
dizziness (good, now I can't walk)
-
excessive tiredness (well, that solves the problem of me not wanting to get out of bed)
-
headache (perfect, that ought to cheer me up)
-
pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet (fantastic, now I'll be pissed off and sad about the pain)
-
nervousness (aren't I trying to avoid being nervous?)
- uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
-
sore throat (well, it won't be from the oral sex)
-
changes in sex drive or ability (so, if i had a sex life, it's over...dead)
-
excessive sweating (now I'm going to be stinking and shiny)
But wait, it get's better, if it all goes to shit, so to speak, I could have the following issues, which are apparently more severe and should be monitored: blurred vision, seizures,fever, sweating, confusion, fast or irregular heartbeat, and severe muscle stiffness,abnormal bleeding or bruising,hallucinating (seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist) <-- How do I know if the voices don't exist if I am hearing them and think they are real? Huh?
It goes on to say that this medicine is also used sometimes to treat headaches and sexual problems. Whoa. What kind of sexual problems? It doesn't elaborate on that. Is it a problem of wanting sex all the time? A problem of not being able to have sex? Wanting to have sex with animals? I would like more information on this. I can't be out there dry humping the water fountain because my meds are screwing with my brain.
I kind of feel like we should have touched on some of this information, but Doctor Lite doesn't seem concerned. She'll see me back in three weeks. I can't wait to tell her how my life changing 30 day plan is going. Good news for blog readers, if I start to hear voices that aren't real, but that I don't know aren't real, the blogs might start getting interesting. I know they are lackluster lately, but this could really spice things up. Or, I'll just be sleeping all the time after I crap my pants too nervous to leave the house because I'm dizzy and can't stop humping the throw pillows. I don't know. Let's take a ride with Angry Pony and see how this turns out!
All aboard!
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