Do you ever find yourself on a long drive or commute to or from work, by yourself, and your mind starts to wander into weird territory and you have this whole scenario that plays out? Happens all the time to me. Sometimes I think about my Dad and if his divine presence would save me if I got in an accident, or think about what I would say to someone that had made me mad and how I would word it and how that person would react, or what my life would be like if things were different, etc.
Tonight on my way home, I'm not sure what possessed me to get into such a dark place, but I started thinking about how Will and I would die. I guess there were not too many drivers to cuss at to distract me, because soon enough, I had some serious scenarios going on in my head. Would I get some disease and die first, leaving Will behind to fend for himself? Who would make sure he took care of the dogs and ponies? Who would check the doors to see if they were locked before bed? Who would pay the bills? Who would ride his ass to get shit done? Who would decide what was for dinner? How long could he survive on cereal? I'm a pretty important person in his life for his basic survival. Anyway, then I started thinking about us getting older. I mean, healthcare is a sham. I don't know if social security will even be there by the time I need it, we have no real retirement plan. I'm planning on the cardboard box program.
Then things started to get really ugly. What if we do make it to old age? Then what? What if we are homeless and cold and gangs keep stealing our denture cream and Depends and food stamps? What if we are tired of being cold. I started thinking that maybe we would just shoot each other in the head. Just end it all, just Thelma and Louise it at point blank range. But what if one of us misses the mark and one of us is dead and the other just wounded, then what? Or, what if Will shoots me in the head and then shoots himself in the head? But what if he can't do it, then he is alive and I'm dead and he murdered me? Also, that is suicide or murder, I don't think God would be okay with that. What about pills? We could get our prescriptions filled and then totally take all of them at once. But what if we just end up in a coma? Or again, what if one of us dies and the other lives and then they lock the surviving person up in a looney bin and then we have to wear a straight jacket, watch Sprout TV all day and eat applesauce and then we get bed sores because it is a state run facility and they are just soul-less bastards that work there and we are just sitting in urine and feces and then we get a diaper rash and we are so miserable we just want to die, but our bodies won't die. Then what? That would suck. Or, what if we are homeless and we are really cold and we just can't get warm? And we hold each other and just wait for the cold to consume us, because, after all, we are old and fragile. But again, what if only one of us dies, then the other has no one to keep them company or keep them warm and now, one of us is walking the streets waiting to die, but death won't come.
Hey, you might not ever think about that kind of stuff, but I do. I have concerns. Old age is coming and it scares the hell out of me. I mean, if we die young, that has it's own set of problems like, who gets the dogs? Will anyone love Spanky the way I do? Will he be sad? Will he miss me? Will he just be waiting to die? Who takes the ponies, who makes sure everything ever purchased for me or by me from Passion Parties or Lovers gets destroyed before our mothers see it? I mean, we are probably not going to live out a story like The Notebook. I don't want to go first, because who will take care of Will? I don't want Will to go first because I don't want to be alone.
It was getting pretty intense as I finally got off at my exit. I realized I was heading into a holiday weekend and I really needed to snap out of it. No idea how I ended up in this dark place to begin with. Just part of my charm, I guess. I reached down and hit play on my CD, track number 8..."I gotta pocket, a pocketful of sunshine, I gotta love and I know that it's all mine...oh, oh, oh..." That ought to cheer me up. Pocketful of sunshine is perfect. Suddenly I am the karaoke queen, I'm belting it out, I feel like I'm going to live to see tomorrow, everything is going to be okay..."take me away to better days....take me away, a holiday..." Yeah, I'm perked right up. Then, track 9, "Tell me how am supposed to breathe with no air...If I should die before I wake, it's cause you took my breath away...losing you is like living in a world with no air..." Okay, maybe I should just listen to the radio....Miley takes it away, "I came in like a wrecking ball..." Maybe I'll listen to Pocketful of Sunshine again....
Anyway, I did make it home. Will was waiting with a kiss, Spanky was waiting with tail wagging, squiggling and little grunty noises. I guess today I don't have to worry about dying. ...Unless, there is like a house fire or something. But let's think positive, tonight probably won't totally kill us, or if it does, I hope it kills ALL of us at once. There, see, now I'm thinking positive!
Tonight on my way home, I'm not sure what possessed me to get into such a dark place, but I started thinking about how Will and I would die. I guess there were not too many drivers to cuss at to distract me, because soon enough, I had some serious scenarios going on in my head. Would I get some disease and die first, leaving Will behind to fend for himself? Who would make sure he took care of the dogs and ponies? Who would check the doors to see if they were locked before bed? Who would pay the bills? Who would ride his ass to get shit done? Who would decide what was for dinner? How long could he survive on cereal? I'm a pretty important person in his life for his basic survival. Anyway, then I started thinking about us getting older. I mean, healthcare is a sham. I don't know if social security will even be there by the time I need it, we have no real retirement plan. I'm planning on the cardboard box program.
Then things started to get really ugly. What if we do make it to old age? Then what? What if we are homeless and cold and gangs keep stealing our denture cream and Depends and food stamps? What if we are tired of being cold. I started thinking that maybe we would just shoot each other in the head. Just end it all, just Thelma and Louise it at point blank range. But what if one of us misses the mark and one of us is dead and the other just wounded, then what? Or, what if Will shoots me in the head and then shoots himself in the head? But what if he can't do it, then he is alive and I'm dead and he murdered me? Also, that is suicide or murder, I don't think God would be okay with that. What about pills? We could get our prescriptions filled and then totally take all of them at once. But what if we just end up in a coma? Or again, what if one of us dies and the other lives and then they lock the surviving person up in a looney bin and then we have to wear a straight jacket, watch Sprout TV all day and eat applesauce and then we get bed sores because it is a state run facility and they are just soul-less bastards that work there and we are just sitting in urine and feces and then we get a diaper rash and we are so miserable we just want to die, but our bodies won't die. Then what? That would suck. Or, what if we are homeless and we are really cold and we just can't get warm? And we hold each other and just wait for the cold to consume us, because, after all, we are old and fragile. But again, what if only one of us dies, then the other has no one to keep them company or keep them warm and now, one of us is walking the streets waiting to die, but death won't come.
Hey, you might not ever think about that kind of stuff, but I do. I have concerns. Old age is coming and it scares the hell out of me. I mean, if we die young, that has it's own set of problems like, who gets the dogs? Will anyone love Spanky the way I do? Will he be sad? Will he miss me? Will he just be waiting to die? Who takes the ponies, who makes sure everything ever purchased for me or by me from Passion Parties or Lovers gets destroyed before our mothers see it? I mean, we are probably not going to live out a story like The Notebook. I don't want to go first, because who will take care of Will? I don't want Will to go first because I don't want to be alone.
It was getting pretty intense as I finally got off at my exit. I realized I was heading into a holiday weekend and I really needed to snap out of it. No idea how I ended up in this dark place to begin with. Just part of my charm, I guess. I reached down and hit play on my CD, track number 8..."I gotta pocket, a pocketful of sunshine, I gotta love and I know that it's all mine...oh, oh, oh..." That ought to cheer me up. Pocketful of sunshine is perfect. Suddenly I am the karaoke queen, I'm belting it out, I feel like I'm going to live to see tomorrow, everything is going to be okay..."take me away to better days....take me away, a holiday..." Yeah, I'm perked right up. Then, track 9, "Tell me how am supposed to breathe with no air...If I should die before I wake, it's cause you took my breath away...losing you is like living in a world with no air..." Okay, maybe I should just listen to the radio....Miley takes it away, "I came in like a wrecking ball..." Maybe I'll listen to Pocketful of Sunshine again....
Anyway, I did make it home. Will was waiting with a kiss, Spanky was waiting with tail wagging, squiggling and little grunty noises. I guess today I don't have to worry about dying. ...Unless, there is like a house fire or something. But let's think positive, tonight probably won't totally kill us, or if it does, I hope it kills ALL of us at once. There, see, now I'm thinking positive!
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