I'm Driftwood

It's raining today and I feel Fall coming on. I always get depressed in the Fall.  I don't know if I have seasonal disorder or if is some sort of subconscious thing, but lucky for me, it is therapy Thursday. I did try and rise above this morning by looking up motivational quotes.  Turns out, that just made me feel more depressed.  When you can't get motivated and then some random person writes two sentences about how you should be trying to be amazing or you will just suck and die (okay, it didn't say that in so many words, but that was the gist of it), it ruins your buzz. 

I was trying to shake off my funk when Four Feet of Fury walks in and says, "I have a project for you."  She is carrying a Keurig coffee maker, rubber gloves, tongs, goggles and other random items.  She continues, "I need a fan, too.  Come in my office."  This type of behavior should not surprise me at this point. Why can't I be more like her?  A little quirky and always up to something.  She is fun, I'll give her that.  She is one of those positive people though, one of those people I don't quite understand.  Oh well, maybe she will rub off on me.  Guess I better go see what we are going to do with those tongs and gloves (it's a long story, by the way, just had to make a video about how to make coffee if you are technology challenged).

The day progressed without any major drama, but I was glad when it was time to go to therapy. I have been feeling very stuck lately and I hoped we could talk through some of that. I had shared my previous blog about the fluffy tail skunk with the Rug Doctor and she had some analogies of her own to share.

In my blog about the skunk tail, I talked about how I didn't think I could get to positive self-actualization and how I didn't get people that were positive about things.  I seem to be stuck in this pattern of "it's never going to work, it's never going to happen." The Rug Doctor suggested that I have created this black and white world where I dwell in the black most of the time and view the white as impossible to achieve. What I need to do is explore the shades of gray (not 50 Shades of Gray, just to be clear..although, that might get me out of my rut...) and allow myself to make choices and acknowledge that sometimes I can do what I need to do, sometimes things do go well, sometimes today doesn't totally suck, sometimes today is good enough.  I feel like if I can't get to the "white world," then I will never be able to achieve my goals.  The Rug Doctor was quick to point out that the white world is not who I am.  I will never be self-actualized into the white world, and that is okay.  She said a lot of external factors that I can't control happen and I have to make choices on how I deal with that.  She was trying to find the right analogy.  We shared a quiet moment while I contemplated her statements.  I considered the possibility that I was not able to play in the gray area and wondered how I could explain it to her.

I finally said, "But what if I'm driftwood? What if I am this piece of dead wood just floating down the river, unable to change, unable to control my destiny?"  The Rug Doctor is big on the theory that everything changes and said that driftwood could change.  I said, "yeah, if I drift to shore and someone uses me for their fire.  They light me on fire, maybe make some smores, I get gooey marshmallow all over me, then some kid pokes me with a stick, some guy throws a beer can on me.  Then, later, as the fire goes out, some dog comes over and pisses on me and then they kick me back in the water.  Now, I'm a little more abused, a little more used and I'm floating again, retaining water, no less, and I can't control it."  Rug Doctor contemplated for just a moment and countered, "I have a friend that loves driftwood to put in her garden, what if she picks you up and takes you home?"  Without even thinking about it, I said, "Yeah, and then, there I am, sitting in her garden, slugs crawling all over me, friggin spiders, birds crap on me, weeds grow all over me and then I start to decompose in the cold, wet ground."  Rug Doctor looked a little pained and said, "I think we need a new analogy.  You are not driftwood.  Driftwood can't control it's destiny and you can."  I responded, "I'm driftwood."

I told her that I was at a loss as what I should do to get out of this rut.  I told her about being mooned at work by the gal that was wearing a short skirt and no panties.  I explained that gal likes to go nude and hangs out in a community that clothing was optional.  Maybe, I just needed to go hang out with her, get naked and smoke some pot until I didn't give a shit about anything.  I wonder if I could get into the "white zone" by just letting myself completely go.  Stoned and naked.  I think that is pretty much taking things to the extreme and  I don't know if the nakie community is ready for all this clothed or unclothed.  I can't be trusted to run around with naked people with all inhibitions completely out the window.  I'm pretty sure I would get my ass kicked for something I said, like, "hey, do you ever get slivers in your junk when you sit on wooden furniture?" or "how do you keep your boobs from flapping when the wind blows?"  I'm pretty sure I would get kicked out of the nakie community. (I have actually blogged about my thoughts on what happens in a nakie community before, here is the link if you need a refresher: http://angry-pony.blogspot.com/2012/07/im-not-ready-to-be-naked-in-public.html).

Anyway, it was a pretty uneventful session.  I'll just carry on and hope that my inner driftwood self emerges from the water as some unique piece that someone wants to admire - not so much that they put me in their sucky garden, but enough so that they don't let their dog piss on me.  It's the best I can hope for on this stormy Thursday evening.

Flat Skunk, Fluffy Tail

I haven't been blogging much lately.  So much I want to blog about, but it's just too risky to blog about certain things.  I have tons of inspiration at work each day, and yet, sadly, much of it must be left alone.  I've also not really been in the mood, but tonight, I felt inspired. I've had a day of the fax machine sending me blank faxes, the villagers surrounding my desk with their needy demands and more drama than you can see in a full season of America's Next Top Model.  And when I saw roadkill on the way home, I knew I needed to  write down some of my thoughts, no matter how unstable they may be.

A few days ago, there was a skunk hit on the road not far from our house.  It was horrible.  The smell was so bad you could taste it, you could not escape it.  Whomever hit that skunk did a good job of cleaning out the stink glands.  As I have driven by it each day, it has become a little flatter, a little less offensive.  The guts a little less graphic, the body shape a little less recognizable.  But the tail, the tail remains fluffy.  And I thought, what a great metaphor for life.  One day, you are walking around, full of life and stink, ready to take on the world, but then, you decide you are going to take a chance and check out the other side of the road.  WHAMO! Life kicks your ass. You stick your ass out there and spray like you've never sprayed before and guess what, your stink wasn't enough to win this battle. But your tail, it remains strong, you can squish that little skunks stink out, but you cannot kill the essence of the skunk.  That tail refuses to become roadkill, it poofs out in defiance.  I know that skunk is dead, but it's spirit, it's still there. You can't kill the spirit. I need to remember that fluffy tail and become inspired by it. No matter what is going on, I have to keep my stinky tail fluffy. 

There is also a person I know that has a son battling cancer. Life is pretty intense for her right now.  But she is trying to remain positive.  She told me the other day that she is taking a new approach. Like, whatever you think, that is what will happen.  So, if I believe I will win the lottery, I will. If I believe I will get a new job, I will, if I believe I'll lose weight, I will. (So far, I have believed that I will have another bowl of ice cream, and I did).  If she believes the cancer will be cured, it will.  I've heard it said that you bring on whatever your thoughts are.  Like, if you think you will get cancer and worry about it, you will.  Well, freaking great, I worry about that all the time!  But, I'm not supposed to think about it.  How can I not think about it now that I know worrying about it brings it on?  I mean, has my destiny already been written out?  Is it too late?  I have to think about it...I have to think this through, but what if thinking it through makes it happen? Now I'm worried about thinking.  Shit.  Clear the mechanism....I can only think positive thoughts.  Well, I'm screwed.  This isn't working.  What if I can't think only positive thoughts? I mean, we all know this is an impossible situation.  Just the other day, when it was therapy Thursday, I was telling my therapist that on top of everything else going on, I went to the dermatologist, and after she pulled my butt cheeks apart and looked for cancer in my butt crack, she said I am allergic to something and that I have to stop wearing make-up.  I said, "oh great, now I will be hideous on top of everything else."  My therapist laughed and said, "okay, I'm not laughing about you thinking you're hideous, that isn't funny, but your dark humor gets me every time."  Then she went on to say that instead of focusing on being hideous, I should look in the mirror and pick one thing that I have going for me on that day that I can draw some self worth or pride from.  For example, maybe my hair looks like shit and I have a new zit, but that freaking right eyebrow looks AMAZING!  Hold on to that pride all day.  You know, I can walk around cocking my right eyebrow like, "hey, how YOU doin'?"  You know, rock it.  Work it. Own it.  My effing right eyebrow is UNSTOPPABLE.  And don't get me started about the nail on my middle finger, it is having it's own Emmy Award red carpet experience, I should use it ALL DAY.

I guess what I'm really saying here, is that if I have to hold on to thoughts like, "hey good-looking, your nose hair is amazing today," how in the hell am I going to get to positive realization?  I don't freaking think so.  I am positive that all this being positive all the time crap isn't for me. Does that count as a victory?  Positive people freak me out.  I mean, not like spiders, but I don't get them.  I've said it before, I'll say it again, what the hell?  How can you walk around pretending to be happy all the time? Because I can assure you NO ONE is happy all the time.  It just isn't possible.  Why pretend?  I sure don't.  And people depend on that.  Like, if people ask how I am and I smile and give them a positive response, they ask if I'm okay.  It makes them visibly uncomfortable.  People want me to be sassy and real. I can't turn this corner to a positive way of life. The balance of the universe is at stake.  What if I self-actualized myself into a happy person?  Egad!  The zombies will immediately follow if this were to actually happen.  For the safety of man-kind, I must stay the course of Angry Pony.

However, what I can do, is draw inspiration from the dead skunk and his fluffy tail.  The tail that could not be flattened.  The tail that would not succumb to the hundreds of cars that would drive over it.  The tail that still smells of a skunks ass.  That tail is what life is about.  Life stinks, but we cannot give up.  We must live to fight another day, even when life knocks us down. You can't see this, but I'm waving a flag and humming Glory Glory Halleluiah, a single tear streaming down my face, like that Native American Indian sitting on his horse overlooking the garbage on his land in that one commercial when I was a kid.  This moment in time, it is as magical as a unicorn fart.  I'm almost self actualized just talking about this effing skunk tail!

That last part is kind of a  bunch of bullshit.  I just pulled the last couple of drags of ice cream out of the carton and I'm about ready to go put my pj's on and scratch something.  I'm freaking exhausted. You are going to have to self-actualize on your own.  I'm done.