It's raining today and I feel Fall coming on. I always get depressed in the Fall. I don't know if I have seasonal disorder or if is some sort of subconscious thing, but lucky for me, it is therapy Thursday. I did try and rise above this morning by looking up motivational quotes. Turns out, that just made me feel more depressed. When you can't get motivated and then some random person writes two sentences about how you should be trying to be amazing or you will just suck and die (okay, it didn't say that in so many words, but that was the gist of it), it ruins your buzz.
I was trying to shake off my funk when Four Feet of Fury walks in and says, "I have a project for you." She is carrying a Keurig coffee maker, rubber gloves, tongs, goggles and other random items. She continues, "I need a fan, too. Come in my office." This type of behavior should not surprise me at this point. Why can't I be more like her? A little quirky and always up to something. She is fun, I'll give her that. She is one of those positive people though, one of those people I don't quite understand. Oh well, maybe she will rub off on me. Guess I better go see what we are going to do with those tongs and gloves (it's a long story, by the way, just had to make a video about how to make coffee if you are technology challenged).
The day progressed without any major drama, but I was glad when it was time to go to therapy. I have been feeling very stuck lately and I hoped we could talk through some of that. I had shared my previous blog about the fluffy tail skunk with the Rug Doctor and she had some analogies of her own to share.
In my blog about the skunk tail, I talked about how I didn't think I could get to positive self-actualization and how I didn't get people that were positive about things. I seem to be stuck in this pattern of "it's never going to work, it's never going to happen." The Rug Doctor suggested that I have created this black and white world where I dwell in the black most of the time and view the white as impossible to achieve. What I need to do is explore the shades of gray (not 50 Shades of Gray, just to be clear..although, that might get me out of my rut...) and allow myself to make choices and acknowledge that sometimes I can do what I need to do, sometimes things do go well, sometimes today doesn't totally suck, sometimes today is good enough. I feel like if I can't get to the "white world," then I will never be able to achieve my goals. The Rug Doctor was quick to point out that the white world is not who I am. I will never be self-actualized into the white world, and that is okay. She said a lot of external factors that I can't control happen and I have to make choices on how I deal with that. She was trying to find the right analogy. We shared a quiet moment while I contemplated her statements. I considered the possibility that I was not able to play in the gray area and wondered how I could explain it to her.
I finally said, "But what if I'm driftwood? What if I am this piece of dead wood just floating down the river, unable to change, unable to control my destiny?" The Rug Doctor is big on the theory that everything changes and said that driftwood could change. I said, "yeah, if I drift to shore and someone uses me for their fire. They light me on fire, maybe make some smores, I get gooey marshmallow all over me, then some kid pokes me with a stick, some guy throws a beer can on me. Then, later, as the fire goes out, some dog comes over and pisses on me and then they kick me back in the water. Now, I'm a little more abused, a little more used and I'm floating again, retaining water, no less, and I can't control it." Rug Doctor contemplated for just a moment and countered, "I have a friend that loves driftwood to put in her garden, what if she picks you up and takes you home?" Without even thinking about it, I said, "Yeah, and then, there I am, sitting in her garden, slugs crawling all over me, friggin spiders, birds crap on me, weeds grow all over me and then I start to decompose in the cold, wet ground." Rug Doctor looked a little pained and said, "I think we need a new analogy. You are not driftwood. Driftwood can't control it's destiny and you can." I responded, "I'm driftwood."
I told her that I was at a loss as what I should do to get out of this rut. I told her about being mooned at work by the gal that was wearing a short skirt and no panties. I explained that gal likes to go nude and hangs out in a community that clothing was optional. Maybe, I just needed to go hang out with her, get naked and smoke some pot until I didn't give a shit about anything. I wonder if I could get into the "white zone" by just letting myself completely go. Stoned and naked. I think that is pretty much taking things to the extreme and I don't know if the nakie community is ready for all this clothed or unclothed. I can't be trusted to run around with naked people with all inhibitions completely out the window. I'm pretty sure I would get my ass kicked for something I said, like, "hey, do you ever get slivers in your junk when you sit on wooden furniture?" or "how do you keep your boobs from flapping when the wind blows?" I'm pretty sure I would get kicked out of the nakie community. (I have actually blogged about my thoughts on what happens in a nakie community before, here is the link if you need a refresher: http://angry-pony.blogspot.com/2012/07/im-not-ready-to-be-naked-in-public.html).
Anyway, it was a pretty uneventful session. I'll just carry on and hope that my inner driftwood self emerges from the water as some unique piece that someone wants to admire - not so much that they put me in their sucky garden, but enough so that they don't let their dog piss on me. It's the best I can hope for on this stormy Thursday evening.
I was trying to shake off my funk when Four Feet of Fury walks in and says, "I have a project for you." She is carrying a Keurig coffee maker, rubber gloves, tongs, goggles and other random items. She continues, "I need a fan, too. Come in my office." This type of behavior should not surprise me at this point. Why can't I be more like her? A little quirky and always up to something. She is fun, I'll give her that. She is one of those positive people though, one of those people I don't quite understand. Oh well, maybe she will rub off on me. Guess I better go see what we are going to do with those tongs and gloves (it's a long story, by the way, just had to make a video about how to make coffee if you are technology challenged).
The day progressed without any major drama, but I was glad when it was time to go to therapy. I have been feeling very stuck lately and I hoped we could talk through some of that. I had shared my previous blog about the fluffy tail skunk with the Rug Doctor and she had some analogies of her own to share.
In my blog about the skunk tail, I talked about how I didn't think I could get to positive self-actualization and how I didn't get people that were positive about things. I seem to be stuck in this pattern of "it's never going to work, it's never going to happen." The Rug Doctor suggested that I have created this black and white world where I dwell in the black most of the time and view the white as impossible to achieve. What I need to do is explore the shades of gray (not 50 Shades of Gray, just to be clear..although, that might get me out of my rut...) and allow myself to make choices and acknowledge that sometimes I can do what I need to do, sometimes things do go well, sometimes today doesn't totally suck, sometimes today is good enough. I feel like if I can't get to the "white world," then I will never be able to achieve my goals. The Rug Doctor was quick to point out that the white world is not who I am. I will never be self-actualized into the white world, and that is okay. She said a lot of external factors that I can't control happen and I have to make choices on how I deal with that. She was trying to find the right analogy. We shared a quiet moment while I contemplated her statements. I considered the possibility that I was not able to play in the gray area and wondered how I could explain it to her.
I finally said, "But what if I'm driftwood? What if I am this piece of dead wood just floating down the river, unable to change, unable to control my destiny?" The Rug Doctor is big on the theory that everything changes and said that driftwood could change. I said, "yeah, if I drift to shore and someone uses me for their fire. They light me on fire, maybe make some smores, I get gooey marshmallow all over me, then some kid pokes me with a stick, some guy throws a beer can on me. Then, later, as the fire goes out, some dog comes over and pisses on me and then they kick me back in the water. Now, I'm a little more abused, a little more used and I'm floating again, retaining water, no less, and I can't control it." Rug Doctor contemplated for just a moment and countered, "I have a friend that loves driftwood to put in her garden, what if she picks you up and takes you home?" Without even thinking about it, I said, "Yeah, and then, there I am, sitting in her garden, slugs crawling all over me, friggin spiders, birds crap on me, weeds grow all over me and then I start to decompose in the cold, wet ground." Rug Doctor looked a little pained and said, "I think we need a new analogy. You are not driftwood. Driftwood can't control it's destiny and you can." I responded, "I'm driftwood."
I told her that I was at a loss as what I should do to get out of this rut. I told her about being mooned at work by the gal that was wearing a short skirt and no panties. I explained that gal likes to go nude and hangs out in a community that clothing was optional. Maybe, I just needed to go hang out with her, get naked and smoke some pot until I didn't give a shit about anything. I wonder if I could get into the "white zone" by just letting myself completely go. Stoned and naked. I think that is pretty much taking things to the extreme and I don't know if the nakie community is ready for all this clothed or unclothed. I can't be trusted to run around with naked people with all inhibitions completely out the window. I'm pretty sure I would get my ass kicked for something I said, like, "hey, do you ever get slivers in your junk when you sit on wooden furniture?" or "how do you keep your boobs from flapping when the wind blows?" I'm pretty sure I would get kicked out of the nakie community. (I have actually blogged about my thoughts on what happens in a nakie community before, here is the link if you need a refresher: http://angry-pony.blogspot.com/2012/07/im-not-ready-to-be-naked-in-public.html).
Anyway, it was a pretty uneventful session. I'll just carry on and hope that my inner driftwood self emerges from the water as some unique piece that someone wants to admire - not so much that they put me in their sucky garden, but enough so that they don't let their dog piss on me. It's the best I can hope for on this stormy Thursday evening.
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