Today I had a follow-up at the doctor for my foot. It was time to change the bandage, check out my progress and get the staples removed. Will and I discovered last night, due to the "foot-in-bag, shower gone wrong" debacle, that I had staples in my toe. We were not supposed to touch the dressing, but since my foot got soaked, Will was changing it for me. I'd already been warned about the pitfalls of infection, and quite frankly, I don't need that kind of drama, so against doctor's orders, we removed the bandage. My eyes got wide in horror as I saw the skin graph area and the toe incision area. One of the staples was actually piercing that dressing on my toe, so when Will gave it a little tug, I gave a little scream. We mutually agreed the bandage would have to stay until a doctor intervened.
Which brings us to today. The nurse brings me in and starts unwrapping my toes. She gets to the part where the bandage is stuck to the wound. I advised her this was a sensitive area. I said, "do I need something to bite on to bear down or some sort of sedation?" She says, "No, it shouldn't be bad...you know what? I'm just going to leave that for the doctor." And with that, she left the room. Mom had brought me in to the doctor today and was sitting with me. She says, "it's probably going to hurt a little, your brother screamed when they took the staples out of his head." Note to self, adjust thinking on her Mother's Day present. I knew it was going to hurt a little. My money says it was going to hurt A LOT. The doctor comes in and assures me it will be fine. He uses the staple cutter thing-a-ma-bob and yeah, that first one hurt. Manageable, but yeah, felt that. Now for staple number two. Holy-love-of-ice-cream-and-My-Little-Ponies, THAT HURT!!!! The doctor apologizes, it wasn't his intent to hurt me. He digs at it again. At this point, I'm panting, I'm crying, I'm gripping the table. This just turned into natural child birth where a 15lb baby is coming out side-ways. The doctor stopped and investigated. It turns out the staple was bent/crooked up inside the toe. Must have been a staple malfunction during the surgery, I guess. The doctor says this is not normal and he's sorry, but this bad boy is coming out. Mom volunteers to hold my hand, but then notices the death grip I have on the table and says, "never mind, I see your hand is already bright red from your grip on the table." A few seconds longer and the staple is finally out. Wow. That was epic. And we had two more to go. At this point, the doctor is not a credible source of information about my anticipated pain level for the next two. I kept my grip on the table firm and my breathing erratic. I felt staples three and four, but luckily they lacked the punch of good 'ol staple number two. If I were a smoker, I totally would have needed a cigarette or possibly some marijuana. You know, the marijuana might have been a good idea before the staple removal. Too bad I am not a smoker. Now, "special brownies," that I could do. If I would have had a special brownie I would have been laughing and pissing myself the whole time the doctor was screwing around with that bitch, staple number two.
In the end, appointment survived. I put my knee on my little knee scooter and off I went. You know, that knee scooter is a great way to pick up geriatric men. I had at least three different guys say, "hey, nice scooter, where did you get it?" It was like I had a Corvette knee scooter. One lady pulled her husband away and said, "YOU will NOT get one of those, you will fall off and break your neck!" When my life story plays out on the Lifetime network someday, that scene is going to go down like this: Hot Blonde enters hallway and her long blonde hair flows behind her as if the wind was in her face and the song Wild Thing plays in the background. She smiles and all the 50+ crowd starts drooling as their little blue pills start kicking in. That's right, she was the hottest thing on a knee scooter they'd ever seen. This was a day they would never forget...
Ok, that's enough for today, I think, this is getting scary. More adventures with my My Little Pony coloring books and daytime TV are waiting for me on the couch...
Which brings us to today. The nurse brings me in and starts unwrapping my toes. She gets to the part where the bandage is stuck to the wound. I advised her this was a sensitive area. I said, "do I need something to bite on to bear down or some sort of sedation?" She says, "No, it shouldn't be bad...you know what? I'm just going to leave that for the doctor." And with that, she left the room. Mom had brought me in to the doctor today and was sitting with me. She says, "it's probably going to hurt a little, your brother screamed when they took the staples out of his head." Note to self, adjust thinking on her Mother's Day present. I knew it was going to hurt a little. My money says it was going to hurt A LOT. The doctor comes in and assures me it will be fine. He uses the staple cutter thing-a-ma-bob and yeah, that first one hurt. Manageable, but yeah, felt that. Now for staple number two. Holy-love-of-ice-cream-and-My-Little-Ponies, THAT HURT!!!! The doctor apologizes, it wasn't his intent to hurt me. He digs at it again. At this point, I'm panting, I'm crying, I'm gripping the table. This just turned into natural child birth where a 15lb baby is coming out side-ways. The doctor stopped and investigated. It turns out the staple was bent/crooked up inside the toe. Must have been a staple malfunction during the surgery, I guess. The doctor says this is not normal and he's sorry, but this bad boy is coming out. Mom volunteers to hold my hand, but then notices the death grip I have on the table and says, "never mind, I see your hand is already bright red from your grip on the table." A few seconds longer and the staple is finally out. Wow. That was epic. And we had two more to go. At this point, the doctor is not a credible source of information about my anticipated pain level for the next two. I kept my grip on the table firm and my breathing erratic. I felt staples three and four, but luckily they lacked the punch of good 'ol staple number two. If I were a smoker, I totally would have needed a cigarette or possibly some marijuana. You know, the marijuana might have been a good idea before the staple removal. Too bad I am not a smoker. Now, "special brownies," that I could do. If I would have had a special brownie I would have been laughing and pissing myself the whole time the doctor was screwing around with that bitch, staple number two.
In the end, appointment survived. I put my knee on my little knee scooter and off I went. You know, that knee scooter is a great way to pick up geriatric men. I had at least three different guys say, "hey, nice scooter, where did you get it?" It was like I had a Corvette knee scooter. One lady pulled her husband away and said, "YOU will NOT get one of those, you will fall off and break your neck!" When my life story plays out on the Lifetime network someday, that scene is going to go down like this: Hot Blonde enters hallway and her long blonde hair flows behind her as if the wind was in her face and the song Wild Thing plays in the background. She smiles and all the 50+ crowd starts drooling as their little blue pills start kicking in. That's right, she was the hottest thing on a knee scooter they'd ever seen. This was a day they would never forget...
Ok, that's enough for today, I think, this is getting scary. More adventures with my My Little Pony coloring books and daytime TV are waiting for me on the couch...
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