Angry Pony Double Dog Dare: Part Two

In my last blog entry, I shared that I had been double dog dared (DDD) to do a boudoir photo shoot.  I promised a multi-part mini blog series about it. Well, that didn't happen.  This blog today will be part two about the DDD and that will be it.

You see, I started to write a blog all about selecting the outfits I was going to take with me to the boudoir shoot and it was going to be about how ridiculous my body is.  I was going to talk about the lingerie and how I looked like a pig dressed in lacey curtains. I was going to talk about these boobs of mine and how they disappear into my armpits when I lay down on the bed.  I would do my normal fat mocking and I would paint a picture you'd never be able to get out of your mind, but it would likely make you laugh because I'm ridiculous. I learned a long time ago that if I make people laugh first, then it doesn't hurt as much if someone makes a comment about my weight, or it distracts them from making a comment. I learned that in kindergarten.

But as I started to write it, something happened that I was not prepared for.  For the first time, I didn't want to shame this body.  For the first time, I didn't want to make fun of it and I didn't want to feel bad about it.  I sat there unable to type anything. I had no humor in my heart, just a white flag in my head and a sense of surrender in my soul.  Without even realizing it, I apparently had come to some sort of peace that I was not yet even aware of.  I don't know when or how it happened, but I think between my years with the Rug Doctor and then recently my counseling with the Paleo Princess, something has finally stuck. I think I have finally succumbed to their teachings! I think the last few months of being more respectful of my way of eating and allowing myself to be proud of my journey has made all the difference.  Honestly, I'm not even completely sure how it happened.  I haven't unpacked all that yet.

Fast-forward to the day of my photo shoot as I walked down the streets of Snohomish wearing a mask with a dabbing unicorn on it, packing a rifle and a pink bag full of sexy bra's and panties. I thought the rifle would be a nice touch in some of the shots for Shark Bait.  Seemed like a sexy thing to do.  Anyway, that experience alone was enough to tear down the walls of what is or is not socially acceptable.  I got some confused looks. Meh, whatever.

Alas, I arrived safely, and without incident, to Jezebel VonZephyr Photography to do my photos.  I had heard they were a very body positive group of women that ran the studio and that they made it very empowering and safe.  Sara, the photographer, and Tiffany, the hair and make-up stylist, put me at ease and made the whole experience during my shoot amazing.  They put together my outfits and we spent a couple of hours making me feel comfortable, powerful and sexy. It's hard to explain how it makes you feel, but it is a feeling of confidence that lasted for days to follow.  That feeling might still be with me and it's been two weeks now since the shoot. 

During the shoot, I had a feeling of power, but I also had a nagging feeling of "what if the feeling and image I have in my head right now doesn't match the photo's when I see them? Then what?"  This is where the DDD really comes into play because this is what I am afraid of.  Looking at these pictures and hating what I see. Finding all the flaws and focusing on the fat.  What if I go through all of this and that is the end result?  How do I come to terms with that?  

I got my answer to those questions on this past Thursday. I had a Zoom call with Sara and one of her team members, Kaitlyn, and we went though all my photos. I was sick to my stomach as the pictures started to come up on the screen.  It was a slideshow set to music and I just sat there and two things happened.  First, I had to mourn the loss of what I thought I should have looked like.  The pictures did not match the image in my head.  This wasn't a selfie where I controlled the angle, this was my body through someone else's lens, which meant, that is me.  No filter. No hiding in black pants or a long sweater.  There I was.  It wasn't like I'd never seen myself naked in the mirror.  I don't know why I thought I would look different than I did.  I just wanted the fantasy of me to be there in those images.  Like maybe if I looked beautiful in those photos, I really was beautiful and the proof would be right there.  I don't know why I need proof, because my husband tells me I'm beautiful and my friends are always kind to me about my appearance.  Why am I the only hold-out? Why do I refuse to see it or accept it?  Is it years of shaming in grade school? Was it years of not feeling good enough to have a boyfriend or have guys be interested?  Was it the expectation of society? Hollywood? What? I think it's all of those things, but also a sense of personal shame that I have never been able to get the weight off. I feel cheated out of life experiences that "normal" people have. I have a strong sense of failure that I cannot shake.

So, as I was rapidly processing all of that, I had to pick the pictures I wanted to keep.  Sara and Kaitlyn were great about encouraging me to be kind and to remember this was about me and not keeping pictures because of how I thought someone else might appreciate them.  They encouraged me to keep a couple that maybe made me feel a little uncomfortable or that were not perfect in my eyes so that moving forward, I could become comfortable with what I saw.  And so, I narrowed it down to a handful that represented who I am right now, today.  I'm going to share some of those pictures with the world because I am not ashamed of my imperfections.  I am going to continue to work on making this body better, but I'm going to love it enough to take are of it.  

I don't think any of these pictures are scandalous and frankly, you can see more skin by going to the beach, so ZERO SHAME IN MY GAME.  If you don't want to see them, now is your time to close this blog.  These pictures are the originals from Jezebel VonZephyr and I'm not allowed to edit or filter them, so you are going to see some skin. Sorry, not sorry.

I picked this picture because I smiled and it was genuine.  I don't really like my teeth or my smile in general because I feel like it makes my eyes disappear when my cheeks go up. This picture makes me happy.

I chose the picture (above) because I felt SEXY AF.  I don't hate my body in this pose.

I was disappointed in all my gun wielding poses.  I didn't love them and I didn't think there would ever be a day when I did.  I could not come to terms with the majority of them.  This shot (above) however, I made peace with.

This picture (above) I initially cringed. All I could see was my big 'ol belly. But, if I change my focus and look at the expression in that woman's face, I'm in there and I'm kind of a badass.

I chose this picture (above) because it shows the woman I am, complete with scars on her belly from multiple weight-loss surgeries. I've done the work, I've fought the war. I'm still here. And, I'm still "in progress."

Naked and unafraid (above). Here I am. The world's expectations will not shame me into a flannel floor-length nightie. 

This picture (above) made me laugh.  Such a bitchy, mob-boss wife expression.  I don't love my legs or how big I look, but that woman behind that face has gotten me through every hardship that has brought me to today and...I love her.

And finally, this picture below is the fierce woman I carry around every day.  She is strong, sometimes insecure, scared, depressed, over-whelmed or angry.  She's a loyal friend, an empath, a clown, dramatic and outspoken.  She deserves love. She deserves happiness. 

Yesterday, I showed my pictures to a couple of my friends at work.  One of those friends is one of the fittest people I know.  She eats well, exercises and takes really good care of herself.  She's beautiful.  I would give anything to trade her bodies.  She said she didn't think she could ever do a photo shoot like this.  I looked at her in disbelief.  I said, "Holy cow, if I can do this with THIS body, why in the world wouldn't you do it in YOURS?"  She immediately started talking about all the places on her body that are not good enough or are undesirable to her.  I just stared at her and was instantly so sad for her.  I wanted her to feel free, too.  I wanted her to feel as beautiful as I think she is.  And then I realized, that is how all the people that care about me feel. They want me to see what they see, which is not the weight, but the person. 

This is some deep shit I'm going through here.  

 

I'm going to send this to Paleo Princess for her review, but I think this Double Dog Dare is complete...and a success.

Thank you, Sara, Tiffany and Kaitlyn at Jezebel VonZephyr Photography.  The work you do with the camera and the soul is amazing and appreciated.  

Angry Pony Double Dog Dare: Part One

I had mentioned on Facebook about a month ago that my nutritionist had asked me some tough questions about why I'm still struggling to make things happen in my weight loss journey.  The long and short of the conversation was that she felt I may be afraid of success.  I mean, afraid of spiders, yeah, but success? Why would I be afraid of that? Doesn't everyone want to be successful? Why would I be scared? And, while that seems like a ridiculous question, I had to consider it to be a possibility. 

I'm going to stop here for a moment and give the nutritionist a blog name. I think I'll call her, Princess Paleo.  I don't know about calling her PP for short, but I might.  Be ready for it.  When I'm talking about my PP, it's Princess Paleo.  Potentially creepy, but also efficient in key strokes. (don't make that dirty)

Anyway, Princess Paleo challenged me to try something out of my comfort zone. To try something that I've always wanted to do, but have never been brave enough, or to overcome a fear.  Something to push myself to show myself that yeah, it's uncomfortable, but I can and I'm strong and it's not so scary. She flat-out Double Dog Dared me to this challenge. She just took this nutrition shit next level. I can't back down from a DDD and she knew it. She's like an evil genius.

I agreed to the DDD challenge and went home to consider what I could do. I thought about what fear I had or bucket list thing I could do.  I honestly was at a loss.  I have myself so conditioned on what is possible or what is realistic, I wasn't able to think about the possibilities of what I could challenge myself to do. What I could hope to do.  Drawing a blank, I took my challenge situation to a higher power...I went where I knew people full of ideas and advice live...Facebook.  I knew they would have the answers I was seeking.

Sure enough, my peeps did not disappoint.  I did go ahead and rule out things like holding spiders and jumping into the ocean right off the bat. I want to challenge myself, not die. I continued wading through the suggestions and noticed a couple of my peeps suggested doing a boudoir photo shoot.  To be honest, I had thought about doing one in the past, but always felt strongly that if I ever did it, it would be after I lost the weight, maybe had some sort of surgery or when I grew my hair out...or whatever.  Someday, when I felt beautiful and proud, I would do it.  It just hasn't been time yet. I'm not ready. You know, someday I will be ready when I lose the weight, get in shape and become happy...that is the perfect time for that type of thing.  The perfect time is not now because...naked cellulite, gross.

And even though I have allowed my mind to dictate this debilitating message to my psyche, I do truly believe, in my heart, that I need to just be happy in the now and accept where I am in my journey today.  I know that is what leads to happy moments and enjoying life. Happiness is not a place or destination and it's not a constant. It's a feeling and a moment in time.  So, for this DDD, what better way to be happy in the moment and accept where I am than to raise the white flag and say, "Today is the day I celebrate where I am, regardless of body mass or progress on my journey."  I'm going to be brave and bold and proud in this squishy body that has successfully lead me to this 48th year of life.  Maybe, just maybe, I can make peace with this body and accept that it is good enough today.  It's good enough to be worth the effort to make it better. It's good enough because I love it, instead of hating every inch of it.  That sounds like a pretty big freaking DDD right there. 

I sealed my fate and sent Princess Paleo an email advising her that I had chosen the boudoir photo shoot as the DDD. Not only that, I'd researched photographers and found a studio that specializes in this type of thing and had booked an appointment.  There.  It's happening. I'm committed. 

That happened about a month ago.

That appointment is actually this Friday. 

I'm completely freaking out. 

I have been agonizing on what to wear and trying to decide how revealing I want to go.  I am so scared I'm going to look at these photo's and want to stab my eyes out.  So scared that I'm going to look like the Star Wars Illustrated Jabba the Butt swim suit edition centerfold model of 2020.  Fer serious.  I'm so scared that during this photo shoot I will be thinking in my mind, "look at me, I'm sexy, I'm beautiful, blah, blah, blah..." but that when I see the pictures on screen, all I will see is Miss Piggy in lingerie. A legit, Walmart, tube-top wearing, back-boob sporting Fatty Mcfatterson.  <-- How do I jump the hurdle of hearing that self-talk and seeing anything different on the screen? 

I don't know.  I've been working on that for a lifetime.

I guess this DDD is a good way to push myself to see if success looks as good as it feels. <-- I don't care who you are, that just got real right there. Did you see what I just did there? 

Anyhoosle, in the spirit of my usual over-sharing, I'm taking you on my journey of me over-exposing myself. This time, fer serious, in the flesh.  Tonight is Part One of this mini series. Part Two is all about the wardrobe selection...specifically lingerie.  Stay tuned, if you dare. Crisis in progress...

Progress Report - Paleo Life

Today's originally scheduled blog, titled, WTF are my #$%& neighbors doing now and why don't they STFU, has been postponed to bring you this kinder, gentler blog...

Progress Report: Paleo Life and the Path to Mental Wellness

Thought I'd check in today and share how life is going.  To those of you that are my Facebook friends, which is probably the majority of anyone reading this blog, you've seen that I've been posting my dinner meals and an occasional low-carb treat.  Doing so has created a sense of accountability for me and I was hoping it wasn't making everyone on FB roll their eyes.  Like, who cares what you're eating and what it looks like? We all know what food looks like! However, I was surprised at how many private messages I received, as well as post comments from people thanking me for posting and inspiring them to eat better.  Who knew I would EVER be a food influencer???  Sarcasm influencer, yes.  Anger management ally, yes.  But food influencer? Who'd have guessed?  I guess this is why I share my journey.  So many people are struggling, so many people are giving up because it's hard. Giving up leads to pain and depression and it's a horrible cycle. And, if you don't have a good support system, the difficulty level goes up from there. 

The struggle is part of the process, unfortunately.  I would not be true to myself if I didn't offer full transparency into my journey.  I may be posting some great dinners and living clean-ish most of the time, but I fall, too. I still struggle each day.  Weekends are the hardest when Shark Bait and I are together all the time and out running to the store or whatever Covid-approved adventure we may be having.  I have gotten better in my "cheat" choices when we are out, I will give myself snaps for that.  I don't stray now to the degree that I used to.  For example, we'll go to Panda Express and I'll get the grilled teriyaki chicken, no sauce, and veggies (broccoli, cabbage, etc.), or maybe we'll go to Chipoltle and I'll get a salad bowl. There are options out there.  So, they aren't organic, but they are better than a cheeseburger, fries, Coke, ice cream, grease, fat, etc.  I honestly feel a change in my desire to make healthy choices.  I will give myself praise for that.

I was able to shed a few more pounds after stopping the program at Symmetria and was excited I was able to do so on my own.  However, as no one's journey is a straight line, I have lost and re-gained and re-lost the same 5 pounds several times now.  I am finding myself getting frustrated.  I don't want to return to old patterns and I feel like I'm getting bogged down.  This has lead to some emotional stuff coming out that has complicated life all the more.  Being off my anti-depressants is helping me access my inner warrior, but it also allows me to access all the anger, doubt, fear, anxiety and frustration that have plagued me for a lifetime.  I start to doubt that maybe I can't be off my meds?  I feel a little lost, if I am being honest.

It doesn't help that the world is so crazy right now. It's hard for me to think about the future.  The happiness that I feel like I finally have within my reach is being jeopardized by this constant fear of contracting a disease, having our lives turned upside down by current events and the hatred and violence connected to them.  Change is often a tumultuous process, but I feel like maybe I wasted too much time in my life and now my true hopes of being happy are not obtainable.  It makes me feel defeated, like why bother?  I know I am not the only one that feels that way.  Sometimes I just cry because I hurt so much. I'm exhausted from the daily fight to keep strong and push forward.  

At any rate, without taking this any deeper than that, I'll stop there.  I'm going to keep soldiering on because honestly, that is the only option that makes sense, even if tomorrow is not promised.  My knees are still sore and working out is a slow process.  I'm so scared to hurt them any worse, so I continue to focus on my food choices and doing my 16/8 fasting (fast 16 hours, eat 8 hours).  I keep looking for new ways to make the same 'ol stuff more appetizing.  I thought about starting a FB page that is just for my wellness journey, but then thought, there are a bazillion sites and groups out there that do that.  I don't know that I have the energy to keep a food blog up and again there are a bazillion of those out there, too.  That's where I find my stuff. LOL.  I'm just a girl standing in front of a pizza asking it to be low-carb.  I'm just a random girl that hates to cook but that is good enough at it to not go hungry, clearly.  If I can find the ability to do this, anyone can.

I will share some of my recent meals and recipes that I found in case anyone is looking for something new to try.  I try and keep it super-simple, because I'm not looking to win any awards for cooking using someone else's recipes.

Today, I even tried a new one, which I'll post first.  It is Delicious and would be a great thing to make for summer picnics or BBQ's, you know, if you get one of those masks that has a hole in it so you can shove food through...cuz, safety first. 

Low Carb Potato Salad (Cauliflower instead of potatoes)

*** I added sliced black olives, it didn't call for it, but that is just how wild and crazy I am...

https://www.skinnytaste.com/low-carb-potato-salad/?fbclid=IwAR0PTHxpXkU5UhHTczIzHdXBash6cGvMvDaygL9toDWExsohuY8tCVEchBI

Other recent things I've made lately...I have a Paleo Cookbook and I use the Google.  It's how I do. No science involved.  Sadly, I'm not a huge veggie fan, so I'm struggling with veggie creativity.  Working on it though.  We have tried turnips in place of potatoes.  Result? Meh.

https://gimmedelicious.com/keto-garlic-chicken/

https://lowcarbyum.com/chocolate-chip-coconut-bars/

#kneegap

Three Months...BAM! #kneegap

Today I am feeling pretty accomplished and I wanted to document that here in my blog for myself, but   also to share with those that follow me though my trials and tribulations in this crazy life. 

Back in March, I took a leap of faith and decided to get stem cell therapy on my knee and signed up for a nutrition  & wellness program the clinic has that fits in with the rehab. I was all-in. Last resort. Last chance.  Well, today I graduated from that program. They have cut me loose to continue the journey of healing on my own.  They are pretty sure I am ready and I think they might be right.

Prior to March, I was in a pretty dark place.  I was in constant chronic pain.  I cried every day.  I couldn't sleep at night.  I was consuming special brownies at night just so I could numb my mind from the unrelenting pain. The brownies caused my appetite to increase and my body was just completely toxic and miserable. My digestive system was a wreck of Titanic proportions. I told Shark Bait that since no doctor was willing to help me and there was nothing I could do, I pretty much was just giving up at life.  At 48 years old, I was just throwing in the towel.  I mentally and physically could not take the beating anymore.  I could barely navigate around my house and to work, let alone to do anything recreational beyond those two activities.  

In March I met the doctors and people at Symmetria Integrative Medicine.  They told a pretty story of how they could help me.  They all seemed really nice, but I was honestly scared to believe them.  Every other doctor I had been to had treated me like a waste of time and a lost cause.  I had no reason to trust these new people, other than that I literally had no where else to go.  It was not covered by insurance and was money we didn't have, but the clinic was willing to work with me.  I said, "What if it doesn't work?"  Shark Bait said, "But what if it does?"  

On March 16th, I received the stem cell treatment in my right knee. Both Dr. Gill and Dr. Bill were confident I would find relief in this procedure, but I was so afraid to be hopeful.  This was also the same time every other place was shutting down due to the pandemic.  Great timing, Cassondra.  This was not a good sign.  I needed to come in three times a week for my rehabilitation and nutrition program.  How was this going to work? Alas, it just seemed to.  They stayed open and I made my appointments. We set goals, I detoxed, I did the laser treatments, the invisi-red treatments, the rehab exercises, the chiropractic. We worked on my whole body. Everyone there was nothing short of amazing, kind, supportive, dedicated and real.  

I got to know each of them a little and some of them probably got to know a lot more about me than they bargained for, because, well, I'm me.  When you go through that sort of program for a little over two months three times per week (my time was extended a little longer because I had a "failure to launch" at 6 weeks), you get to feel almost like family.  ** I'm sorry to whomever had to hear my voicemail message that day I was in the midst of a detox poopocalypse and had to cancel my appointment for fear of bio-explosion, needing a hose down and an adult diaper. 

These people watched me limp in and cry in those first visits. They watched me struggle as I gradually weaned off of my medications and anti-depressants. They never waivered in their support or belief I would get better.  Weaning off the anti-depressants alone was a living hell I would never wish on anyone. These people were all wearing masks, due to the Covid-19, but you could still see the compassion and understanding in their eyes.  I can't  compare it to any other experience I've ever had anywhere else before in healthcare.  Even when I had done my weight loss surgery, the people at that clinic were supportive in the beginning, but I could tell over time, once I had recovered from surgery, I was a burden. And when I eventually was not a success story, they lost interest in helping me.  I expected that to happen here, but it didn't.  When I hit the six week mark and finished the detox and returned to working at the Glass Palace, it didn't go well. My Nutritional Fairy Godmother, Dr. Samra-Gill, said, "we're not letting you go, you're not ready."

Who does that? I sat there with tears in my eyes, assuming this is the part where I fail. Again, like I always do. Well, plot twist, didn't happen. Not on their watch.

Fast-forward to today.  I walked in, feeling kind of like a bad-ass, actually. No limp in my game. I checked in with Amber, the Front Desk Master (not her actual title). She's chipper as always, but I know a sassy smartass lies beneath, and I respect her all the more for that fact alone.  Captain Corrie the Invisi-red Queen comes to get me.  I wasn't sure about her the first day. She was quiet and I was so insecure that this fit and healthy woman would be taking my measurements. No judgement ever came of it, instead she was so understanding and supportive. I appreciate her kindness to me when I was not kind to myself.  Anyway, we started towards the room for what would be the last invisi-red session in my program. As we are walking through the rehab workout area, I hear from across the room, "Cassondra, I love your outfit today!"  I can't be sure, (because masks and I have old-people eyes), but I think it was Abi...or Emily, both of them are adorable, sweet and always seem to find something nice to say in an effortless way.

I got into the room and Corrie let me know it was "graduation day." Crap, I wasn't prepared for that, so was not appropriately dressed for weigh-in, measurements and pictures, but whatev's.  I'm a chill chick now, even unmedicated. It is what it is. Still pissed I wasn't wearing  my Toy Story underwear with Mr Potato Head and Slinky Dog for my permanent file.  Maybe I  can get re-takes? I continued through my invisi-red appointment and my final counseling session. My Nutritional Fairy Godmother, Dr. S-G, said I was ready for the training wheels to be taken off and for me to try this on my own for a while.  A test-run. She thinks I'm ready.  I think I am, too.

I'm down 30 pounds.  I'm totally off my heartburn medication (I was on 80mg per day of omeprazole), I'm finally weaned off my anti-depressant (300mg Effexor), replaced that with a natural supplement for depression, and will hopefully be able to be off my blood pressure medicine next.  My right knee is SO MUCH BETTER!!! Which was the initial reason for this journey.  I don't have to take any pain meds, no more special brownies, no more limping, no more sleepless nights.  It isn't at 100% yet and maybe it won't ever be, I don't know.  But it is at a level that is allowing me to LIVE again.  I have a brace I wear that was custom made for me that allows me to keep my leg in a good position for continued healing, but I don't have to wear it.  It's just better if I do.   

Dr. S-G said we needed to take pictures before I left tonight.  I said, "do I have to strip down? Like, we can't just leave the clothes on? I don't have my shorts and tank top..."  She said, "I mean this in the most professional way possible, but yes, I need you to strip down to bra and underwear. It'll be fun."  Well, I don't know about all of that, but at this point, why not?  Pictures were taken and then I was asked to look at the before and after shots.  Dr. S-G pointed out all the places where there was a noticeable difference.  First of all, in my before picture, I looked tired, sad and lifeless in addition to being obese. In my second picture, you could see where the weight had come off. I was smiling in the picture?  Why?  I don't smile in pictures. Dr. S-G said, "Look, you have a space here between your knees that didn't exist before.  You might not have thigh-gap yet, but you definitely have knee-gap."  We laughed about my knee-gap and how I'm going to hashtag everything #kneegap and we are going to make it trend.  As hard as it was to admit, there was change and it was visible.  We did that.  Life changes did that. I did that.

I want to write a letter to every doctor that treated me poorly, that denied me help, that stole my hope, that lead me to believe there was nothing that could be done and that my failures had put me in this position.  I want them all to know I found a place that cares.  That I found a place that helped me.  Frankly, I don't know if I have that kind of time, since there are so many.  And frankly, that's not the energy I'm putting out into the universe right now.  Only good things to come. No more looking back.  Just moving forward.  How is it possible I'm in such a different place emotionally and physically in just such a short time?  Positivity? No way.  That can't be it...can it?

I walked out of there tonight, not a limp in my step, not a tear in my eye.  Just living my life. Like a bad-ass.  Like I didn't think was possible just three months ago.

As I look at the website for Symmetria, I see all the doctors and the entire team of people that helped me rehab.  I think I have interacted with every one of them at some point.  Each of them played a role, no matter how big or small.  I have Dad-jokes for days from Dr. Pacheco, as well as a nicely aligned spine!  I'll always have a warm spot in my heart for Spray Girl, aka Amanda (she's also Shot Girl now, too..the non-alcoholic kind). Bayley I only interacted with a few times, but just as nice and genuine as everyone else.  Arlene, the Laser Legend, and I spent 20 minute segments of time lasering and chatting it up. Carrie is so genuinely kind and shared her personal story and gave me hope that this would be a success. Katie was one of the first people I met there and is so positive and welcoming.  Dr. Kantor, Dr. Faulkner, Dr. Bill, each of you equally supportive, kind and friendly, even though our visits were brief.  And, I may have not included all the names as some of the team members have changed over the past few months. My omission is not intentional. If I don't know your name, I at least know your friendly face and that DOES NOT go unnoticed.

And Dr. Gill, you opened the door and invited me in to the world you and your team created. You made me a believer again. 

Thank you.

P.S. I can't quit you, Symmetria.

 #stalkerstatus #kneegap #youalmostLOSTMEatNOCHEESE

#thankful 

PPSS...that thing I signed, that was just for the testimonial, right? You're not marketing my hawt pics of me in my bra and underwear to the masses, right?  What did I sign anyway...?

Additional notes...

Things I never expected to say over the past three months:

• I'm too young to have the walking farts.
• My thighs look like melted lava
• Am I going to have time to get to the bathroom when this breaks loose?
•  "even though I’ve been struggling with a low grade migraine and some sketchy vision today, I did bake the following two things so that I would be distracted from taking to the roof with a weiner dog under one arm and one of my sister’s cats raised above my head with my other arm as a sacrifice to the eagles."
•  I cried because I just wanted toast.
• What if these stem cells decide to identify as fat cells and my knees blow up to the size of the Stay Puffed marshmallow man?