Six Week Summary - The Captivity Has Ended

Today is my last day of recovery time from my hysterectomy surgery.  I have healed pretty well, I think.  I'm still pretty low energy and if I over-do, I get sore, but other than that, I'm ready to rejoin society and the workforce on the regular.  While I have been out, I have had a lot of time alone with a lot of thoughts.  Low days and high days alike. I'd like to talk about some of the things I have taken away from this time all by myself (queue Celine Dion).

First, I want to thank my hubby, Shark Bait, for taking care of me.  He may not have always answered the walkie-talkie when I paged him, but overall, I am so lucky to have this man in my life. He genuinely cares and I like to believe that he enjoys taking care of me.  Without him, recovery would have been a huge struggle.  He took a week off with me when things were going very badly and then he would take care of me after working all day.  Yeah, he also went fishing many of the Saturdays, but I encouraged him to go, as he deserved some downtime. I also want to thank Pal-o-mino, Snoqualmie Ridge Shorty and my sister, Velcro Butt, for providing me much needed human contact and conversation when I thought I was losing my mind. Thank you to Valerina and Harley Babe for the phone conversations keeping me in the loop! And others that dropped me direct messages on FB and interacted with me.   A special shout-out to Short Bus, I cannot believe how our friendship has grown over such a short time! You are just as twisted as I am.  Long live gummy bear farms!

You all helped me survive captivity!

Here are some of my challenging times via video:

Walkie Talk - First Attempt

Walkie Talk, take 2

Day Four - Shit Show

Overall, this recovery was hard for me physically and emotionally and while everyone at work had set me up with thoughtful gifts to keep me distracted, most days I just didn't feel well enough to do anything.  I had the dogs for company, but you know, they don't say much.  I did teach myself to do some very basic crocheting and managed to make about 1/4 of a scarf and also two coaster size circle things, which, while in a drug-induced state, decided to turn into a bikini top, which really was more like pasties, and then sent it to a few people (I will NOT be sharing that picture here).  The people that received it were all the type of friends that could handle it, however, my one friend that decided to open the picture on her work computer has probably scared one of the managers at her work that walked up behind her.  He may not be the same for some time.  Luckily, my head was not in that photo, so really, it is just a pair of 46 year old boobs with crochet pasties.  It's actually horrifying.  Poor Shark Bait.  I didn't really realize what a bad deal he was getting. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself, it isn't like man-junk is anything special you'd want to display on the month of June in a fireman's calendar or any other calendar...just saying.  Anyway, he's never complained about the shit show I have going on under my clothes, of course, but still, wifey needs a boob job.

The part about this past six weeks that was the hardest was realizing how much I do depend on my friends and the people I interact with on the daily.  They really do make life more fun, even if it is at work.  All of them were at work dealing with their own stresses and their own lives and here I was at home alone.  It's in this way that Facebook was a saving grace, because I could get a people fix, but that didn't always work well with my medications.  For example, apparently there is a video I took while watching watching a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress and I was extra emotional and medicated and created a video and sent to my mom.  But then, other people said they saw it, too.  I don't recall making this video or sending it to anyone.  My Mom asked me a week or so later what that was all about.  We argued about it's existence, but upon looking through my phone, I found it.  I was baffled by the video and by the fact that my Mom, nor anyone else bothered to do a wellness check on me.  Clearly, I was a mess.  Did anyone check on me?  No. 

That whole ordeal made me think about all the people I've been there for, that I've listened to, counseled to, helped through the hard times, encouraged, talked them off the ledge, etc.  Where were those people?  I felt so used and so disappointed.  I'm very empathic and can usually sense when someone needs a little pick me up. I really do want people to be happy, so no matter what I am personally going through, I will always give all of myself to help someone that I care about (and sometimes those I don't as much).  Where were those people now?  I'm easily reached via FB messenger, via text, via telephone, via email...I mean, I'm literally home crocheting pasties and coloring farting unicorns!  I'm not hard to find.  I'm making video's of myself being silly for everyone else's entertainment...why?  And, it isn't like I keep score of who helps who.  That's not it at all.  I'm extremely loyal as a friend, but I also don't like feeling used and I really felt that during this recovery time.  And, please don't read this right now and think, "is she talking about me?"  I'm not trying to lecture anyone or make anyone feel bad, that's not what this is about. It's more about me being in that space, having those feelings and finally saying,

 "Cassondra, you can't help everyone. You can't put yourself on the back burner for other people while they are in crisis.  When it comes right down to it, it's you and you.  You need to set boundaries.  You need to let other people's drama go.  They need to own their drama.  They have to want to fix their lives.  They have to be engaged in doing that.  You can't beg them to, check on them, remind them.  You got this life to live and you have a husband that is your other half.  Make you and Shark Bait your priority and your focus. In your darkest hour, you are your strength, don't wait for anyone else to be that, because they won't."

That doesn't mean I don't care about other people. Doesn't mean I'm mad at anyone.  I want people to feel they can confide in me if they choose to.  I will always try and brighten someone's day, (unless they are really pissing me off, and then, in a heartbeat second, I will darken their day) but I won't be involved in the drama anymore.  I need to balance my life and my stress more carefully for however long I have left here.  I may have lost my uterus, but I gained some insight.

I know, that's some heavy stuff, but, like I said, I had a lot of time to think.  Something else that I really thought about is how much people say they hate Facebook or what it does to us as a society and how people create these allegedly perfect lives on there or fake friendships.  Well, I sure as hell don't, as most of you know, I say it like it is.  Anyway, I really do enjoy the connections it creates.  For example, on Monday nights, my sister and I would banter back and forth about The Bachelor or The Bachelorette on FB.  Other people started watching our conversation and joining in and then suddenly, there was a group of us that just started convening every Monday night on FB so that we could banter about this show that is so full of drama and stupidity.  My sister, my Mom, myself and then a handful of my friends that didn't even know each other and now we are like this little group each week.  We get together because it is fun to just not worry about all the stress of life and talk about this trashy show and joke around.  I so needed that over this past six weeks!  I've also got my BBG girls in a private group chat.  We can put out the bat signal and talk it out there.  Without FB, I may have lost contact with some great friends.  I have a few others that message me on the regular, and some not so regular, and we keep in touch.  It's nice.  I have enjoyed the distraction and I appreciate everyone putting up with the posts, updates and check-ins that allowed me to not feel completely isolated.

Tomorrow I return to work.  I'm a little nervous because I have really learned to enjoy sleeping in.  Like, a lot.  And me and my dog hang out.  And I spend time on the deck and I walk around in my underwear and like, don't work.  Part of me needs to be busy, so it will be good to be back, but the other half...it's going to want to sleep.  Regardless, tomorrow I put on my big girl panties and head back into the office like it is my first day going back to school in the Fall. 

I am looking forward to seeing many of your faces.  Others I am looking forward to re-establishing the boundaries as I am sure there has been plenty running amuck.

Brace yourself.  The Admin returns.

Captivity - Over.