You Will Not Define Me

For those of you that have been following my postings on Facebook, you know that I have started off 2017 trying to have a more positive outlook on life and trying to get going in a better direction for myself.  I didn't do this because I think America is going to be great again or because it's a new year's resolution.  I committed to it because it is time to focus on the things I can do and to stop telling myself I can't.  It's a new thing, you know, something the Rug Doctor has been trying to get me to do for a few years now.  I'm finally ready to drink her Kool-Aid and give it a try.

Everything was going pretty well with my new endeavor.  I was being positive, I was eating well, I eliminated the majority of sugar from my life and I was pushing worry out. I was asking the Left and the Right to be peaceful and not to hate on my FB page. The world around me was completely unstable with the induction of a new President into office, but I was trying to think, "maybe it won't be so bad..."  I had not liked either of the major two candidates running for election, so I really tried to stay out of the upheaval around it.  I just could not justify making myself miserable about it, but still felt like we, as a country were screwed either way. None the less, I tried to stay positive.

And then, the same weekend the new President of the United States officially took office, the women of the world marched in an act of unity, power and strength, but also fear at the same time.  Fear of the unknown of what would happen to their rights, but also taking a stand.  At least that is my interpretation of the events.  I could be wrong, and Lord knows, you'll tell me if I am.  That is where part of my positive resolve started to be torn down, which is ironic, since I am a woman myself.  I didn't understand what the real "message" was behind the march. Everywhere I looked, there was a different take on what the march meant, what the purpose was, why it was happening.  Was it against Trump becoming our President? Trump grabbing crotches?  Was it about women's rights? Was it about Planned Parenthood being threatened as a place for women to go?  Was it about healthcare? Was it about abortion?  I found myself inundated with images on social media and the news.  I saw a picture of some women with vagina costumes on their head and also some of  the women in full body costumes and I thought to myself, "what the hell is that about?"  As a woman, in my opinion, I am not defined by my vagina. I would not draw attention to that part of my body, because that isn't all I'm about.  It's a part of my anatomy.  And so I posted the picture and asked, what is this all about, I don't understand the message?  Many of my friends agreed and thought it was ridiculous and also did not understand.  I was not being hateful.  I was expressing my perspective. That's right, my perspective. My thoughts. My opinion. My ability to put something out to the universe and say, "this doesn't make sense to me." It's okay for me to do that, isn't it?

I get people are passionate about many things right now. Hell, who am I kidding, people are passionate about EVERY.FUCKING.THING right now. What I didn't get is that I would be considered shallow or ignorant by questioning the message behind a vagina hat.  I'm not either of those things.  Because I don't see the world exactly as someone else sees the world does not make me ignorant. It doesn't make me hateful.  I never said, "Look at those stupid bitches, what a bunch of C U Next Tuesday's."  Never said that. I wasn't hateful. I was questioning.  It also never occurred to me that people would not understand who I am and where I stand.  Especially people that know me.

This past week I've continued to see friends attacking friends on social media.  I've seen people posting things on their very own page and being attacked by others with their own agendas.  I've seen people being so hateful and mean. I've seen people I thought I knew, people that I care about being so riled up that I have feared to say anything on my page.  Scared to post about something, scared to post about nothing.  Scared of the judgment surrounding everything I say or do or don't do.  I've actually had anxiety about it for over a week.  I've been scared to be myself for fear I would be attacked for it, or judged due to misunderstanding. Scared to try and be sarcastic or poke fun at life for fear of the backlash.  I talked to the Rug Doctor about it today at Talk Me Down Tuesday and I said, "I am 45 fucking years old, I don't give a shit what these people think, but I sure as hell don't deserve to be ripped apart over it."  So, even though I wasn't going to blog about all of this, I find myself here, putting it in writing, taking my own personal stand.  You will not define me. You will not shoosh my voice.  You will not tell me to sit down because I have "White Privilege."

Let me just clear it up for those that may be wondering who I am or where I stand:

• I don't give a shit who you love, who you sleep with, who you marry.  I don't. Gay, straight, whatever.  I don't judge you for that. Everyone deserves to be happy and have legal rights. I will support the laws that give you that right.

• I could care less what color your skin is or what your ethnicity is.  Not meaning your heritage isn't important, but meaning, I don't judge you by your skin color, your culture, your beliefs. I don't.  I DO care that others judge you for that.  That bothers me.  I don't support that behavior.

• I believe in God.  I don't care what you believe.  There are judgmental religious people and there are people that believe in love and letting God do the judgment. Just because I believe in God, don't assume you know where I stand on the issues at hand. You likely don't, you know why? Because you've never asked me.

• I don't care if you identify as Liberal, Democrat or Republican or whatever else.  I don't. I have views that are a blend of all of those platforms, honestly.  

• I don't care who you voted for.  I have friends on both sides of that fence and I know all of them voted the way they did for different reasons.  Who they voted for does not define who they are as a person.  Some of you may disagree. Go ahead, that is your right. I know many people voted the way they did because they wanted change.  Those aren't bad people.  Given the two options we were given, in my opinion, the biggest Charlie Foxtrot in my lifetime, I think there were going to be challenges either way. I'm not going to be hateful and run people out of my life because everyone doesn't see things like I do.  p.s. Who I voted for is none of your mother trucking business. Don't assume, because you are likely incorrect. I did the best I could picking between Beavis and Butthead. And, there were OTHER names on the ballot, in case you didn't know.

I could go on about who I am, but I'll spare you. We don't even have to talk about my vagina, because, guess what, it is a fraction of the big picture. I don't want to talk about your dick, either, but I digress. What I am going to say is, I have been scared to death to say anything about anything for over a week, I've watched the hatred and I've watched the news and I've started to fret and be fearful and lose hope. My resolve for putting the positive out into the universe wavering because of the judgment and cutting words from some. I'm losing who I am because of the fear of the masses. I was expressing this to one of my friends and she said, "You know, historically, people have lived through worse times.  Look at mid-evil times, people got hung from their fingernails or had their heads chopped off in the streets.  The wild wild west. Times of slavery.  All of it horrible, and people survived it.  We will survive this, too.  Imagine how those people felt back then, probably just as freaked out as we are."

I don't want to live freaked out.  Do you? If I choose not to post anything about what is going on in America, it doesn't mean I don't care, it doesn't mean I'm unaware, it means I'm not going to go down that well of despair. Some would say that if we are not worked up and afraid, nothing will get done and that we have to stay vigilant.  Okay, I see your point, but see mine.  I need to control what I can.  I need to control my teeny tiny piece of this world.  I have the right to focus on my health.  I have the right to focus on my family and the things that affect how I live my daily life. I have a right to feel joy in my daily life. The POTUS will not take that from me and neither will you. You will not define me.  You will not make me live in fear. You will not make me feel stupid for expressing myself when I choose to do so.  You will not silence me because I don't share the same struggle as you. We all have struggles of our own.  You don't get to decide which struggles are more important than others. My voice may not speak from your personal experience, but it is just as relevant.  If I have the obligation to be open-minded and see your point of view, then you should also have the emotional intelligence to try and see mine.  You don't have to agree, but you should respect the right of another person's opinion or perspective.

If you find any of this offensive or impossible to understand, then it is possible that we may not be compatible as friends and that's okay.  We don't have to like each other.  We don't have to agree.  But, you don't get to define me and who I am.  And, if my level of positivity doesn't meet your standards, no need to tell me.  The only standards I'm trying to live up to are my own.  I'm one person, I'm not perfect and God help me, I'm a handful.

Talk Me Down Tuesday

Well, I have experienced "Therapy Thursday," "Wack-job Wednesday" and now, "Talk Me Down Tuesday."  That really only leaves "Freak out Friday" and "Moping on a Monday."  We'll give TMDT a chance.

Today, we talked about my all-time record of being positive for 15 days straight.  I mean, it's a big deal.  I've been eating good, no cheating, I posted some positive meme's on Facebook without throwing up in my mouth and I've even said, "Good Morning" to a few people at work.  Hell, I even wore a shirt to work that said, "SMILE" on it for a new program launch. This is behavior that cannot be discounted.  I feel like I just graduated from Schick Schadel Hospital or something and I don't even want to drink or smoke.  I think the Rug Doctor was quite pleased.

I went on to tell her that the voices in the back of my mind, or wherever they live, are worried that I can't possibly sustain this foreign practice of behavior.  She says we just take one day at a time.  Short-term goals.  I told her that being positive and seemingly happy can only lead to discord when the rug gets pulled out from underneath me.  I said, "You ever see the movie Final Destination?  That girl is all happy and then steps out in the street and then SPLAT!!! Freaking bus hits her and she's dead...and pureed.  I suppose you'd tell me that at least she was happy all that time and didn't waste time being sad.  I suppose you'd tell me her outcome would not have changed had she worried or been depressed vs just embracing life, isn't that what you were going to say to me?"  I like to think when I work this out myself I should get a discount on my co-pay, but she is the one that went to school for this shit, so I let it be.  The Rug Doctor said that she would say something close to that.  I think years of therapy qualifies me to be a therapist someday.  I mean, I kind of already am in some ways, but I'd like to just call these sessions an apprenticeship.  Someday I'll hang a shingle up and my practice will be called Let's Cut Through The Shit, Shall We? Too long? I guess I can put some more thought into it.  I suppose it should be more nurturing. Meh. Whatev's.

Speaking of the word, "Meh" do you know that Shark Bait HATES it when I say that to him?  It started as a joke, but it actually drives him KUH-RAZY.  Like, of all the things I do, of all the times I'm difficult, this is the thing he clings to that seriously, all joking aside, pisses him off.  You know what I have to say about that? Meh.  I guess I need to try harder to make one of my other behaviors more annoying.  Challenge accepted.

Anyway, the Rug Doctor and I continued to talk about my inner voices and how I need to get Catastrophe Cassondra to calm down.  I need to tell her that I am acknowledging her, but that I am going to stay on the current path of being positive.  I likened it to talking to a toddler.  "Honey, Mommy is being positive right now, why don't you sit down and watch a movie...no, not The Day After Tomorrow....no, not Titanic..look, do you want a time-out?  Mommy is trying to be positive but your making Mommy want to beat your ass...no, throwing that temper tantrum won't work...and NO ice cream, Mommy is eating healthy...don't make me come back there!!!"  And that is where things get weird.  I'm still working out the kinks.  If you ever see me yelling at myself, just let me be, I'm shaping the life of an unruly personality that has never known boundaries.  It's a full time job.

I guess that was about it.  It may actually be possible that  I'm finally making a break-through.  I'm not that upset about Shark Bait's man cold that I seem to be getting.  I'm not that upset about the sink hole that tried to kill me (go sit down Catastrophe Cassondra...) but that didn't seem to damage anything.  I'm just like, no big deal, I got this.  We are gonna be okay.  Maybe it is the lack of sugar I have been eating.  All these years I thought sugar made me happy and it actually took me down to the saddest I've ever been.  Who knew eradicating it would have so many benefits.  Well, honestly, a lot of scientists and health freaks knew about it, but...chocolate...you know?  What was I supposed to do?  Just give it up?  Turns out the answer is yes.  Just as long as nothing makes me give up my ponies.  I gotta draw the line somewhere.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go chug some broth and some zinc and not be bitter about it.

I have this much positive energy to give!