I think over the weekend I finally reached a point where I may have actually "gotten it." And, I don't mean sex or getting my period or the ass kicking I sorely deserve for any number of indiscretions. I mean, I may have finally decided to stop being in a state of limbo waiting for life to get better. Waiting to get thinner, waiting to have more money...waiting to be happy. I think I finally reached my "moment."
It was a holiday weekend which meant three days to do whatever I wanted to do, really. We had no plans. Shark Bait and I decided to go visit some friends that were up in the area participating in a horse event. I had also wanted to take my pony to this event, but had decided that we were not ready and frankly, since I have gained some weight back, I didn't deserve it. When I lose the weight back, I can start riding again. That should motivate me, right? Anyway, I knew seeing my friends would be fun, but the feeling of jealousy would be in the pit of my belly and I would have to deal with that feeling of disappointment in my heart that I was not where I was meant to be. No matter how many times The Rug Doctor says I am right where I'm meant to be, I can't help but believe this isn't where I should be. Who wants to be here? Not me.
Shark Bait and I went and visited our friends and had a great time doing so. By the end of the night, somehow it had been decided that I would come on Sunday and bring my pony. I wasn't ready, my pony wasn't ready and I shouldn't be spending the money. But somehow, through the persuasion and outright shaming by my sister and Pony Sock Twin, I had agreed to this whole thing. It's funny how I am this person that leads the charge at work to get shit done, but at home, when it comes to re-engaging in MY life, I apparently need a push. Thank God we weren't into skydiving because those bitches would have pushed me right out of the plane and high-fived each other while I was screaming on my way down. I believe this in my heart.
The short and long of it is, when I am pushed to do the things I really do want to do, I do usually have a great time. And Sunday was no exception. My show pony, Lola, was mostly good with a side of sass and I enjoyed the day doing what I love. I don't know why I fight it. And then, the pictures started coming in and I knew why I fought it. Ugh. I sat at the computer Sunday night as we down-loaded all Shark Bait's pictures and video's from the day. Painful. Shark Bait stood behind me and slapped me on the back of the head every time I said something negative. Not hard, because if it had been hard, his nuts would have been removed viciously, but just a tap to let me know to stop. And then I heard the voice of my good pal, Pistola Pete in my head (I don't know how she got there, she just did). Her husband had told her, "Stop focusing on what you look like on your horse and focus on the fact that you are enjoying your horse." It's so hard to do that. So hard to not be so critical. But, his advice was good. And, by not being critical, it doesn't mean I accept what I see and stop working on being healthier, it just means I stop and focus on the happiness that was had on that day. The joy of it. I can focus on my fat ass in the gym. I can focus on happy when I am with my horse, my husband and my friends.
Shark Bait and I talked about a plan for the summer. No more waiting to live. No more waiting to be ready. No more waiting to have money. We'll find a way. No more watching everyone else do what they want. No more. I'm not getting younger or skinnier watching life go by. Fat or not, I'm going to LIVE.
It felt good to get back in the game and to have a plan. As long as I can get my pony to the events, I'm going. And, we will pick and choose the ones I can afford to go to. And this year won't be about being a winner, it will be about developing that relationship with my horse that I have missed for so long. It made me feel like I had a purpose for the first time in a long time. A purpose that wasn't about solving someone's problem or taking care of someone or worrying about all of the above. And then, as I was looking through pictures of the day on Facebook, the facilities that hosted the event posted their pictures. I looked through them, holding my breath, waiting to see how horrible I looked on my horse. And, in one of the photos of my friend riding his horse, I see myself on my horse in the background. I had photo bombed his picture so horribly, it could not be unseen. I pulled the picture, saved it, cropped out my magic moment and THIS was the result:
Go and have fun, they said. What's the worse that could happen, they said. Well, this happened. And, truth be told, it could have been much worse. I mean, I could have been hanging upside down off of one of the obstacles as my horse was running away bucking, but seriously, how does this even happen to a person? I immediately thought Tommy Boy, but I was told to stop it. I mean, the picture does make me laugh. but really, we can't just let the self-conscious girl ease back into this? Really? I guess not. The picture is hilarious. It does make me, and pretty much everyone else, laugh when they see it, so I suppose it was worth it. If the day achieved nothing else, it created the moment in which this picture was taken. And while the moment looks a little crazy, it makes me smile.
And so, now, the challenge is, keep the focus on the plan. Keep the focus on living. Keep the focus on making it happen. Keep the focus on fun. This is going to be hard for me, because I will tell you, there is a part of my mind that says, "Don't do it, don't enjoy life, because when you do, the floor is going to fall out and you will see that you were enjoying too much, you were expecting too much, you were getting too much out of life and when you let your guard down, terrible things will happen." I hate that part of my mind. Buncha negative bullshit. If life is going to kick me in the ass, it's going to do it regardless, so maybe I should just enjoy the good times until it does, and then pick myself back up and start again. Maybe.
I'm reluctant to ask people to help keep me on track on this, because that is a lot of positivity. I mean, "you can do it!" "Don't be so hard on yourself." "You know you will have fun." "Look at how much fun you had!" "Isn't it better when you actually enjoy life?" Oh my word....STOP. Stop pressuring me. Remember, "Today probably won't totally suck." That is my motto. Don't scare me. I'm like a baby deer coming out of the woods right after hunting season or a big fire. If you scare me, I'll run. I mean, that's probably a lie, I'll probably just scowl, flip you off and walk away, but metaphorically speaking, I'll run. I don't actually run. I don't enjoy running, thusly, it is not prescribed in my life at this time.
This also means a lot more pony pictures on my Facebook feed. Sorry, but maybe we'll capture another gem like above! OMG, look at me being positive again. ACCCKKKKKK!
So, to recap: I'm going to live life. Don't pressure me, but cautiously encourage me. And, no running.
It was a holiday weekend which meant three days to do whatever I wanted to do, really. We had no plans. Shark Bait and I decided to go visit some friends that were up in the area participating in a horse event. I had also wanted to take my pony to this event, but had decided that we were not ready and frankly, since I have gained some weight back, I didn't deserve it. When I lose the weight back, I can start riding again. That should motivate me, right? Anyway, I knew seeing my friends would be fun, but the feeling of jealousy would be in the pit of my belly and I would have to deal with that feeling of disappointment in my heart that I was not where I was meant to be. No matter how many times The Rug Doctor says I am right where I'm meant to be, I can't help but believe this isn't where I should be. Who wants to be here? Not me.
Shark Bait and I went and visited our friends and had a great time doing so. By the end of the night, somehow it had been decided that I would come on Sunday and bring my pony. I wasn't ready, my pony wasn't ready and I shouldn't be spending the money. But somehow, through the persuasion and outright shaming by my sister and Pony Sock Twin, I had agreed to this whole thing. It's funny how I am this person that leads the charge at work to get shit done, but at home, when it comes to re-engaging in MY life, I apparently need a push. Thank God we weren't into skydiving because those bitches would have pushed me right out of the plane and high-fived each other while I was screaming on my way down. I believe this in my heart.
The short and long of it is, when I am pushed to do the things I really do want to do, I do usually have a great time. And Sunday was no exception. My show pony, Lola, was mostly good with a side of sass and I enjoyed the day doing what I love. I don't know why I fight it. And then, the pictures started coming in and I knew why I fought it. Ugh. I sat at the computer Sunday night as we down-loaded all Shark Bait's pictures and video's from the day. Painful. Shark Bait stood behind me and slapped me on the back of the head every time I said something negative. Not hard, because if it had been hard, his nuts would have been removed viciously, but just a tap to let me know to stop. And then I heard the voice of my good pal, Pistola Pete in my head (I don't know how she got there, she just did). Her husband had told her, "Stop focusing on what you look like on your horse and focus on the fact that you are enjoying your horse." It's so hard to do that. So hard to not be so critical. But, his advice was good. And, by not being critical, it doesn't mean I accept what I see and stop working on being healthier, it just means I stop and focus on the happiness that was had on that day. The joy of it. I can focus on my fat ass in the gym. I can focus on happy when I am with my horse, my husband and my friends.
Shark Bait and I talked about a plan for the summer. No more waiting to live. No more waiting to be ready. No more waiting to have money. We'll find a way. No more watching everyone else do what they want. No more. I'm not getting younger or skinnier watching life go by. Fat or not, I'm going to LIVE.
It felt good to get back in the game and to have a plan. As long as I can get my pony to the events, I'm going. And, we will pick and choose the ones I can afford to go to. And this year won't be about being a winner, it will be about developing that relationship with my horse that I have missed for so long. It made me feel like I had a purpose for the first time in a long time. A purpose that wasn't about solving someone's problem or taking care of someone or worrying about all of the above. And then, as I was looking through pictures of the day on Facebook, the facilities that hosted the event posted their pictures. I looked through them, holding my breath, waiting to see how horrible I looked on my horse. And, in one of the photos of my friend riding his horse, I see myself on my horse in the background. I had photo bombed his picture so horribly, it could not be unseen. I pulled the picture, saved it, cropped out my magic moment and THIS was the result:
Go and have fun, they said. What's the worse that could happen, they said. Well, this happened. And, truth be told, it could have been much worse. I mean, I could have been hanging upside down off of one of the obstacles as my horse was running away bucking, but seriously, how does this even happen to a person? I immediately thought Tommy Boy, but I was told to stop it. I mean, the picture does make me laugh. but really, we can't just let the self-conscious girl ease back into this? Really? I guess not. The picture is hilarious. It does make me, and pretty much everyone else, laugh when they see it, so I suppose it was worth it. If the day achieved nothing else, it created the moment in which this picture was taken. And while the moment looks a little crazy, it makes me smile.
And so, now, the challenge is, keep the focus on the plan. Keep the focus on living. Keep the focus on making it happen. Keep the focus on fun. This is going to be hard for me, because I will tell you, there is a part of my mind that says, "Don't do it, don't enjoy life, because when you do, the floor is going to fall out and you will see that you were enjoying too much, you were expecting too much, you were getting too much out of life and when you let your guard down, terrible things will happen." I hate that part of my mind. Buncha negative bullshit. If life is going to kick me in the ass, it's going to do it regardless, so maybe I should just enjoy the good times until it does, and then pick myself back up and start again. Maybe.
I'm reluctant to ask people to help keep me on track on this, because that is a lot of positivity. I mean, "you can do it!" "Don't be so hard on yourself." "You know you will have fun." "Look at how much fun you had!" "Isn't it better when you actually enjoy life?" Oh my word....STOP. Stop pressuring me. Remember, "Today probably won't totally suck." That is my motto. Don't scare me. I'm like a baby deer coming out of the woods right after hunting season or a big fire. If you scare me, I'll run. I mean, that's probably a lie, I'll probably just scowl, flip you off and walk away, but metaphorically speaking, I'll run. I don't actually run. I don't enjoy running, thusly, it is not prescribed in my life at this time.
This also means a lot more pony pictures on my Facebook feed. Sorry, but maybe we'll capture another gem like above! OMG, look at me being positive again. ACCCKKKKKK!
So, to recap: I'm going to live life. Don't pressure me, but cautiously encourage me. And, no running.
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