So, earlier this year I mentioned it is the Year of Angry Pony. To that end, I have been doing my part, as best as I can, to make my little black dress day a reality, come December 2014. I've had a few minor set backs, but mostly, I have been diligent. The doctors have put me on a medication that they hope will get me over my weight loss stall and suppress my appetite. They have asked me to work out six days a week. I've been doing my part. I didn't even have any pizza on pizza day when it was sitting right next to my desk for hours. I've been good. As a result, a few more pounds have come off and I think I may be converting some fat to muscle, because people say I am looking a little different. I don't really see it too much, personally, but that is normal, I think. I've spent a lifetime looking at a fat girl. It will take a while to reprogram that. I suspect making that change is part of my journey that has yet to come.
I have noticed, however, as I am working out and looking into the mirror at the gym, things are getting jiggly. My legs are starting to melt a little. I could give you a round of applause if I jogged in place. I've also noticed I have these little dents just under my boobs on the top part of my stomach. I have affectionately named them my "Baby Abs." Someday my stomach might be a six pack wearing a skirt of skin. At any rate, I decided that I needed new workout pants. Something with structure. Something with spandex and some sort of cellulite containing miracle mesh. I found some pants on-line that say they smooth your legs and lift your butt. Well, sign me up! My butt has been dragging for a while now. I also ordered a sports bra. The one I use at the gym is pretty loose. I picked out a cute pink one that I thought would be about the right size. I was giddy with excitement when the package arrived yesterday. I was on my way to work-out bunny.
I ran upstairs and pulled out the pants. Workout pants that didn't have a 1X, 2X or 3X on the label. They were just XL. I felt good about that. I put them on. Had to do a little shimmy as the belly band wanted to stop on my "ab skirt," but I got them up there. They felt magical. I could feel my butt lifted. It felt round. Baby just got back! Yes, these would work. Shark Bait confirmed, my butt was looking good. He may have been lying, but it was the right thing to say. I then turned to my new pink sports bra. I was going to look so cute! I started to put it on and realized that it might be a little too small for me yet. No, dammit, it's going on. I got it over my head and started to pull it over my boobs, but it was stuck. My boobs were pushed down and sticking out the bottom. It wasn't supposed to go like this. Your boobs aren't supposed to not bounce because they have been stretched to your belly button. Sonofabitch. I started to wonder if I should abort the mission. NO. I must go on. There is no turning back. I pulled and grunted and grunted some more. I finally got it down and in place, my boobs securely under the material...just like the picture shows on the package. I looked down and realized my boobs were gone. They were not just "compressed," they were absent. I don't know where they were. I checked my armpits, assuming they had found a safe place without compression. Nope, they weren't there. I leaned down to see if they were below the bra, on my belly, nope. Where the hell are my boobs? My God, this bra vaporized my breasts! I ran over to the mirror and what I saw horrified me. Clearly the gym bunny image I had in my head was not going to play out here. Not yet, it was too soon.
I looked in the mirror and what was staring back at me, at my best guess, was a 12 year old Barbie mushroom. The bra made me look 12 years old. Everything about it screamed "training bra." I was completely flat, possibly inverted. My eyes traveled lower and there it was, all that gut that was no longer riding like a high basketball, but rather morphed into what could only be described as the top of a mushroom cloud. My new "control" pants were pushing it up, the bra was pushing it down. It had no where to go. It looked like lava coming off a volcano. It was this blob. Without compression, it lays fairly flat, but now, with no where to descend to, it was everywhere. Ab explosion. I was a mushroom cloud. I can't go to the gym like this. I'm going to need a compression garment for the mid-section too. Dang.
I walked down the stairs, hunched my shoulders a little to accentuate the cloud and said, "Hey, Shark Bait, come check me out." He came over and said, "Wow." I grabbed a big 'ol gut o lard and said, "I'm turning you on right now, aren't I?" He just laughed. "How would you like to get it on with a 12 year old mushroom?" He took the only safe way out, he laughed, turned and went back to what he was doing. I guess it is too soon to play "Gym Bunny and Body Builder." For now, we'll have to settle for "Socks and Sandals Guy hunts for Mushrooms."
Anyway, that is the progress that is being made. I'm pretty sure Ass Kicker tried to kill me today. At one point, I was face down in the carpet which wreaked of sweat and gym shoes and considered just staying down. Sweat pouring off my face, my abs screaming 911, chest burning, arms burning, legs burning. I was as close to the "Biggest Loser" puke as I have ever been. Ass Kicker says to me, "Good work today, this workout was actually pretty advanced. I'm impressed." I looked up at him from the floor and said, "Really? No shit." I staggered into the locker room and just sat there, exhausted. I guess, If I am ever going to evolve from Mushroom to Thick Gym Bunny, I'm gonna have to endure this. I just hope I can walk tomorrow.
I have noticed, however, as I am working out and looking into the mirror at the gym, things are getting jiggly. My legs are starting to melt a little. I could give you a round of applause if I jogged in place. I've also noticed I have these little dents just under my boobs on the top part of my stomach. I have affectionately named them my "Baby Abs." Someday my stomach might be a six pack wearing a skirt of skin. At any rate, I decided that I needed new workout pants. Something with structure. Something with spandex and some sort of cellulite containing miracle mesh. I found some pants on-line that say they smooth your legs and lift your butt. Well, sign me up! My butt has been dragging for a while now. I also ordered a sports bra. The one I use at the gym is pretty loose. I picked out a cute pink one that I thought would be about the right size. I was giddy with excitement when the package arrived yesterday. I was on my way to work-out bunny.
I ran upstairs and pulled out the pants. Workout pants that didn't have a 1X, 2X or 3X on the label. They were just XL. I felt good about that. I put them on. Had to do a little shimmy as the belly band wanted to stop on my "ab skirt," but I got them up there. They felt magical. I could feel my butt lifted. It felt round. Baby just got back! Yes, these would work. Shark Bait confirmed, my butt was looking good. He may have been lying, but it was the right thing to say. I then turned to my new pink sports bra. I was going to look so cute! I started to put it on and realized that it might be a little too small for me yet. No, dammit, it's going on. I got it over my head and started to pull it over my boobs, but it was stuck. My boobs were pushed down and sticking out the bottom. It wasn't supposed to go like this. Your boobs aren't supposed to not bounce because they have been stretched to your belly button. Sonofabitch. I started to wonder if I should abort the mission. NO. I must go on. There is no turning back. I pulled and grunted and grunted some more. I finally got it down and in place, my boobs securely under the material...just like the picture shows on the package. I looked down and realized my boobs were gone. They were not just "compressed," they were absent. I don't know where they were. I checked my armpits, assuming they had found a safe place without compression. Nope, they weren't there. I leaned down to see if they were below the bra, on my belly, nope. Where the hell are my boobs? My God, this bra vaporized my breasts! I ran over to the mirror and what I saw horrified me. Clearly the gym bunny image I had in my head was not going to play out here. Not yet, it was too soon.
I looked in the mirror and what was staring back at me, at my best guess, was a 12 year old Barbie mushroom. The bra made me look 12 years old. Everything about it screamed "training bra." I was completely flat, possibly inverted. My eyes traveled lower and there it was, all that gut that was no longer riding like a high basketball, but rather morphed into what could only be described as the top of a mushroom cloud. My new "control" pants were pushing it up, the bra was pushing it down. It had no where to go. It looked like lava coming off a volcano. It was this blob. Without compression, it lays fairly flat, but now, with no where to descend to, it was everywhere. Ab explosion. I was a mushroom cloud. I can't go to the gym like this. I'm going to need a compression garment for the mid-section too. Dang.
 |
| Okay, in this picture, it looks like they are there, but they aren't, it's an illusion! |
I walked down the stairs, hunched my shoulders a little to accentuate the cloud and said, "Hey, Shark Bait, come check me out." He came over and said, "Wow." I grabbed a big 'ol gut o lard and said, "I'm turning you on right now, aren't I?" He just laughed. "How would you like to get it on with a 12 year old mushroom?" He took the only safe way out, he laughed, turned and went back to what he was doing. I guess it is too soon to play "Gym Bunny and Body Builder." For now, we'll have to settle for "Socks and Sandals Guy hunts for Mushrooms."
Anyway, that is the progress that is being made. I'm pretty sure Ass Kicker tried to kill me today. At one point, I was face down in the carpet which wreaked of sweat and gym shoes and considered just staying down. Sweat pouring off my face, my abs screaming 911, chest burning, arms burning, legs burning. I was as close to the "Biggest Loser" puke as I have ever been. Ass Kicker says to me, "Good work today, this workout was actually pretty advanced. I'm impressed." I looked up at him from the floor and said, "Really? No shit." I staggered into the locker room and just sat there, exhausted. I guess, If I am ever going to evolve from Mushroom to Thick Gym Bunny, I'm gonna have to endure this. I just hope I can walk tomorrow.
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