Will and I took a road trip yesterday. We drove over to Wenatchee to meet his parents for lunch since that is the half-way point for both of us. Driving over Stevens Pass seems like it takes forever sometimes. As Will drove and I sat quietly in the passenger seat, my mind thought about a lot of stuff. Occasionally, Will would say, "Whatcha thinkin?" And I would say, "nothing." It was a lie, but he wasn't prepared to hear the answer, so why open that door? My mind is open 24/7. It doesn't ever rest and it analyzes and goes over A LOT of stuff, ALL THE TIME. Even in my sleep I do not get a break. My therapist says this is more normal for women. Men just don't work that way.
On the way home, Will asked again, "Whatcha thinkin'?" I said, "Nothing." He seemed satisfied with that answer. I said, "What are YOU thinking?" He said, "Nothing." I didn't believe him. It isn't possible. I said, "You know, when I say "nothing" it's a lie, right?" He said he knew. I said, "So, that means you must be thinking about something." He said, really, no, he wasn't. I said, "So you are telling me that there is NOTHING going on up there? You aren't thinking about anything? Solving any problems, thinking about plans for the future? Wondering how in the heck you ended up here at this moment? Nothing? It's just the sound of crickets up there?" He said, "yes." I looked at him skeptically. This just isn't possible. I said, "Don't you ever wonder what I'm thinking about if you know that I'm thinking about something?" He said that he didn't really know how to get me to talk if I didn't want to. That's it. Game on. I said, "So you are telling me, you don't think about your life? I think about how I feel at that moment, why am I so fat, why can't I change that? I should have changed that, why couldn't I? Should I have surgery? Should I try a new diet? Should I buy new clothes? If I do buy new clothes, how will I afford them? Where will I go? What will I buy? Do I want Jeggings? What am I going to wear to work on Monday? Will I get up on time on Monday? When I get to work, what will happen? Should I do my expense report? That reminds me, I need to order gift cards. I wish I had some gift cards. I should go to target and buy a rack to hang up my hair stuff in the bathroom. Maybe I should cut my hair, I don't know if I will like it. If I do that, my face will look fat. Why am I so fat? I hate having my picture taken because I'm so fat. My cell phone takes pictures. I kind of like it, but it kind of makes me mad. I need to go talk to those girls that sold me the phone. Those girls are weird, they are all about animal print. I don't like animal print. I would never get animal print bedding. I need to wash our sheets tomorrow. Probably should clean the bathroom too. I have a lot to do tomorrow... So, yeah, don't tell me you don't think about ANYTHING!" Will just looked at me and said, "Wow." It was quiet for a few moments and as we drove past some side road he said, "Sometimes I wonder where that road goes..." I said, "yeah, and that's it? Then you just go back to crickets, right?" He agreed. I told him I just can't comprehend that. It is such a foreign concept that I'm going to need some time to think about the fact that I just can't understand that.
The trip went on and Will started to get tired, so we pulled over and I got in the drivers seat. I was tired too, but probably not as much as Will. He slept for a short time and then woke up. I needed someone to talk to to keep me awake, so the following conversation followed:
Me: Whatcha Thinking?
Will: Nothing.
Me: Crickets again?
Will: (glares at me just a little) Well, I was thinking I have a little bit of a headache.
Me: Are you thinking about why you might have a headache? What might have caused it? Do you think it's me?
Will: No. I haven't thought about it.
Me: Well, you should. I mean, do you think you have a headache because you need to eat? Not enough sleep? A tumor? What?
Will: (now visibly irritated) Yeah, I think I have a tumor!
Me: What do you think caused the tumor? Do you think it is stress related? Do you think it is the food you eat?
Will: (completely riled up now) Yes! I think it is all the broccoli you feed me! You are trying to kill me!
Me: Why do you think the broccoli could kill you? chemicals in the processing? use of the microwave? Why would I want to kill you? Have you put any thought into that?
Will: I think you are trying to kill me! Why are you trying to kill me?
Me: I think the bigger questions is, why WOULD I want to kill you? You need to take some time and think about that.
Will: Pull over at this gas station, NOW. I need to clean the windshield.
Me: Why is it so important to clean it now?
Will: (glares at me) Just pull over.
As Will was cleaning the windshield, I thought, I wonder what he's thinking? I think I've over stimulated him. I don't think he is ready for this kind thought process. He got back in and I said, "Do you want me to just say "nothing" from now on when you ask what I'm thinking? Should we just go back to that? And, I'll just let you have your crickets?" He just looked at me, contemplating. I mean, it isn't fair. He gets to shut down and I can't. I'm a hot mess and he married this hot mess. He agreed that I am a hot mess and that maybe talking about what I was thinking should just be left alone sometimes.
There is a special place in heaven for Will. He has so much patience and he puts up with the "madness." I wonder why he does? I wonder if it bothers him? I wonder if one day he is just going to explode and tell me every thing he ever thought. Will it only take a few minutes since he mostly just listens to crickets? I don't know. But most importantly, what am I going to wear to work tomorrow? Clearly, I've got some thinking to do.
On the way home, Will asked again, "Whatcha thinkin'?" I said, "Nothing." He seemed satisfied with that answer. I said, "What are YOU thinking?" He said, "Nothing." I didn't believe him. It isn't possible. I said, "You know, when I say "nothing" it's a lie, right?" He said he knew. I said, "So, that means you must be thinking about something." He said, really, no, he wasn't. I said, "So you are telling me that there is NOTHING going on up there? You aren't thinking about anything? Solving any problems, thinking about plans for the future? Wondering how in the heck you ended up here at this moment? Nothing? It's just the sound of crickets up there?" He said, "yes." I looked at him skeptically. This just isn't possible. I said, "Don't you ever wonder what I'm thinking about if you know that I'm thinking about something?" He said that he didn't really know how to get me to talk if I didn't want to. That's it. Game on. I said, "So you are telling me, you don't think about your life? I think about how I feel at that moment, why am I so fat, why can't I change that? I should have changed that, why couldn't I? Should I have surgery? Should I try a new diet? Should I buy new clothes? If I do buy new clothes, how will I afford them? Where will I go? What will I buy? Do I want Jeggings? What am I going to wear to work on Monday? Will I get up on time on Monday? When I get to work, what will happen? Should I do my expense report? That reminds me, I need to order gift cards. I wish I had some gift cards. I should go to target and buy a rack to hang up my hair stuff in the bathroom. Maybe I should cut my hair, I don't know if I will like it. If I do that, my face will look fat. Why am I so fat? I hate having my picture taken because I'm so fat. My cell phone takes pictures. I kind of like it, but it kind of makes me mad. I need to go talk to those girls that sold me the phone. Those girls are weird, they are all about animal print. I don't like animal print. I would never get animal print bedding. I need to wash our sheets tomorrow. Probably should clean the bathroom too. I have a lot to do tomorrow... So, yeah, don't tell me you don't think about ANYTHING!" Will just looked at me and said, "Wow." It was quiet for a few moments and as we drove past some side road he said, "Sometimes I wonder where that road goes..." I said, "yeah, and that's it? Then you just go back to crickets, right?" He agreed. I told him I just can't comprehend that. It is such a foreign concept that I'm going to need some time to think about the fact that I just can't understand that.
The trip went on and Will started to get tired, so we pulled over and I got in the drivers seat. I was tired too, but probably not as much as Will. He slept for a short time and then woke up. I needed someone to talk to to keep me awake, so the following conversation followed:
Me: Whatcha Thinking?
Will: Nothing.
Me: Crickets again?
Will: (glares at me just a little) Well, I was thinking I have a little bit of a headache.
Me: Are you thinking about why you might have a headache? What might have caused it? Do you think it's me?
Will: No. I haven't thought about it.
Me: Well, you should. I mean, do you think you have a headache because you need to eat? Not enough sleep? A tumor? What?
Will: (now visibly irritated) Yeah, I think I have a tumor!
Me: What do you think caused the tumor? Do you think it is stress related? Do you think it is the food you eat?
Will: (completely riled up now) Yes! I think it is all the broccoli you feed me! You are trying to kill me!
Me: Why do you think the broccoli could kill you? chemicals in the processing? use of the microwave? Why would I want to kill you? Have you put any thought into that?
Will: I think you are trying to kill me! Why are you trying to kill me?
Me: I think the bigger questions is, why WOULD I want to kill you? You need to take some time and think about that.
Will: Pull over at this gas station, NOW. I need to clean the windshield.
Me: Why is it so important to clean it now?
Will: (glares at me) Just pull over.
As Will was cleaning the windshield, I thought, I wonder what he's thinking? I think I've over stimulated him. I don't think he is ready for this kind thought process. He got back in and I said, "Do you want me to just say "nothing" from now on when you ask what I'm thinking? Should we just go back to that? And, I'll just let you have your crickets?" He just looked at me, contemplating. I mean, it isn't fair. He gets to shut down and I can't. I'm a hot mess and he married this hot mess. He agreed that I am a hot mess and that maybe talking about what I was thinking should just be left alone sometimes.
There is a special place in heaven for Will. He has so much patience and he puts up with the "madness." I wonder why he does? I wonder if it bothers him? I wonder if one day he is just going to explode and tell me every thing he ever thought. Will it only take a few minutes since he mostly just listens to crickets? I don't know. But most importantly, what am I going to wear to work tomorrow? Clearly, I've got some thinking to do.
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