I took the day off yesterday. When I woke up, I thought, I can't do this today. Monday came too soon and I am ill prepared to handle the drama of the day. If I go to work, something will happen that will send me over the edge. And so, the 'ol "Anal Glaucoma" (can't see my ass going to work) card was played.
It was a glorious waste of a vacation day, but I am okay with that. It was windy and rainy and so I was stuck in the house. But it was a good stuck. I'd like to recap my day. I watched five episodes of America's Next Top Model that were waiting on my DVR. I can't express how much I love skinny girls in turmoil. I watched four episodes of House Hunters and three episodes of Love it or List it. It was an amazing day of nothingness. I did do some laundry and I did cook dinner for my man. After all, it was the anniversary of our first date and it was Spanky's birthday. It was a special day. I made meatloaf and cauliflower "mashed potatoes." For those of you thinking, "What the heck is that?" Well, let me tell you, it isn't much. We are trying to eat healthy and we can't have potatoes and someone told me about steaming cauliflower and adding a few minor ingredients and presto! mashed potatoes. There was no "presto!" What happened was I had to add cheese to it to make it edible. I should have added bacon bits, sour cream and butter, LOTS of butter...and then I should have had some ice cream. Wait, ice cream? Where did that come from? I'll tell you where, it came from the girl that had turkey bacon earlier in the day. Bacon comes from pigs. The End. I don't know what the hell people are thinking making it out of turkey. It's not okay. Anyway, this healthy lifestyle is making me crazy. For the love of God and all that is holy, someone give me a friggin' french fry...and some bread...and pizza....and chocolate cake. Wait, don't, it's just the cauliflower talking. Please, go about your day.
Anyway, I enjoyed my day of nothing. It felt magical, like a unicorn ride. And then today came. The problem with today is yesterday. All I could think about was lying on the coach, under a comforter, with my good dog Spanky. Instead, I had to get back into the grind. I walked into our office and it was as if I had walked into the circus. Not the normal mental circus, but literally, a circus. You see, we are doing a contest in our center that revolves around the Hunger Games theme. Maybe you've heard of the Hunger Games? Kids killing kids, it's a great book and movie, so I hear. Anyway, each team picked a "district" or theme for their team and decorated their area. I wish I could post pictures, but I probably shouldn't.
My favorite team decorations had to be the group that was representing "animal husbandry." I don't exactly know what their definition is of animal husbandry, but the following is what this admin witnessed. A black curtain surrounding their area. Inside the area were various stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling. They had a horse and a unicorn hanging from the ceiling, I might add, and that is not okay. And then, there was blood. Blood everywhere and then stuffed animal carnage. They had cut up and de-limbed these poor stuffed animals and added fake blood all over them. It was as if the Texas Chainsaw Massacre had met Toys R Us. Splatter marks everywhere. It was sick, it was twisted, it was genius. I went and grabbed my camera to take some pics. Sadly, upon my return, much of the carnage was cleared away. As it turns out, HR is not too fond of stuffed animal sacrifice. I wish I could have helped tear those little animals apart, it would have been good therapy. I mean, I like stuffed animals and if anyone touches mine, their toast, but stuffed animals that I don't care about? No problem.
So, that was the highlight of my day. I got to take badge pictures for our newest new hire class. It never ceases to amaze me how I take someone's picture, I show it to them and they are all irritated that they don't look like Miss America. Are you kidding me? My camera is not a magical device, it doesn't morph people into superstars. Or people won't like their expression. Well, genius, you're the one with the stupid look on your face, exactly what am I supposed to do about that? These people wear on me. You know who else wears on me? People that talk on their cell phones in the bathroom and go on and on about their drama. Look, I just want to pee, I don't want to listen to you go on and on about your personal life. It almost made me want to pretend I was on the verge of explosive diarrhea and start groaning and then start going on and on about how I couldn't get my underwear off and that I think I crapped myself. Someday, I'm gonna lose my mind and I'm going to do it. I'm going to do what I dream about doing. Someday. But today wasn't that day.
It's kind of sad that when I finally live my dream, it will be me pretending to crap myself. Such is my life.
It was a glorious waste of a vacation day, but I am okay with that. It was windy and rainy and so I was stuck in the house. But it was a good stuck. I'd like to recap my day. I watched five episodes of America's Next Top Model that were waiting on my DVR. I can't express how much I love skinny girls in turmoil. I watched four episodes of House Hunters and three episodes of Love it or List it. It was an amazing day of nothingness. I did do some laundry and I did cook dinner for my man. After all, it was the anniversary of our first date and it was Spanky's birthday. It was a special day. I made meatloaf and cauliflower "mashed potatoes." For those of you thinking, "What the heck is that?" Well, let me tell you, it isn't much. We are trying to eat healthy and we can't have potatoes and someone told me about steaming cauliflower and adding a few minor ingredients and presto! mashed potatoes. There was no "presto!" What happened was I had to add cheese to it to make it edible. I should have added bacon bits, sour cream and butter, LOTS of butter...and then I should have had some ice cream. Wait, ice cream? Where did that come from? I'll tell you where, it came from the girl that had turkey bacon earlier in the day. Bacon comes from pigs. The End. I don't know what the hell people are thinking making it out of turkey. It's not okay. Anyway, this healthy lifestyle is making me crazy. For the love of God and all that is holy, someone give me a friggin' french fry...and some bread...and pizza....and chocolate cake. Wait, don't, it's just the cauliflower talking. Please, go about your day.
Anyway, I enjoyed my day of nothing. It felt magical, like a unicorn ride. And then today came. The problem with today is yesterday. All I could think about was lying on the coach, under a comforter, with my good dog Spanky. Instead, I had to get back into the grind. I walked into our office and it was as if I had walked into the circus. Not the normal mental circus, but literally, a circus. You see, we are doing a contest in our center that revolves around the Hunger Games theme. Maybe you've heard of the Hunger Games? Kids killing kids, it's a great book and movie, so I hear. Anyway, each team picked a "district" or theme for their team and decorated their area. I wish I could post pictures, but I probably shouldn't.
My favorite team decorations had to be the group that was representing "animal husbandry." I don't exactly know what their definition is of animal husbandry, but the following is what this admin witnessed. A black curtain surrounding their area. Inside the area were various stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling. They had a horse and a unicorn hanging from the ceiling, I might add, and that is not okay. And then, there was blood. Blood everywhere and then stuffed animal carnage. They had cut up and de-limbed these poor stuffed animals and added fake blood all over them. It was as if the Texas Chainsaw Massacre had met Toys R Us. Splatter marks everywhere. It was sick, it was twisted, it was genius. I went and grabbed my camera to take some pics. Sadly, upon my return, much of the carnage was cleared away. As it turns out, HR is not too fond of stuffed animal sacrifice. I wish I could have helped tear those little animals apart, it would have been good therapy. I mean, I like stuffed animals and if anyone touches mine, their toast, but stuffed animals that I don't care about? No problem.
So, that was the highlight of my day. I got to take badge pictures for our newest new hire class. It never ceases to amaze me how I take someone's picture, I show it to them and they are all irritated that they don't look like Miss America. Are you kidding me? My camera is not a magical device, it doesn't morph people into superstars. Or people won't like their expression. Well, genius, you're the one with the stupid look on your face, exactly what am I supposed to do about that? These people wear on me. You know who else wears on me? People that talk on their cell phones in the bathroom and go on and on about their drama. Look, I just want to pee, I don't want to listen to you go on and on about your personal life. It almost made me want to pretend I was on the verge of explosive diarrhea and start groaning and then start going on and on about how I couldn't get my underwear off and that I think I crapped myself. Someday, I'm gonna lose my mind and I'm going to do it. I'm going to do what I dream about doing. Someday. But today wasn't that day.
It's kind of sad that when I finally live my dream, it will be me pretending to crap myself. Such is my life.
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