I had mentioned on Facebook about a month ago that my nutritionist had asked me some tough questions about why I'm still struggling to make things happen in my weight loss journey. The long and short of the conversation was that she felt I may be afraid of success. I mean, afraid of spiders, yeah, but success? Why would I be afraid of that? Doesn't everyone want to be successful? Why would I be scared? And, while that seems like a ridiculous question, I had to consider it to be a possibility.
I'm going to stop here for a moment and give the nutritionist a blog name. I think I'll call her, Princess Paleo. I don't know about calling her PP for short, but I might. Be ready for it. When I'm talking about my PP, it's Princess Paleo. Potentially creepy, but also efficient in key strokes. (don't make that dirty)
Anyway, Princess Paleo challenged me to try something out of my comfort zone. To try something that I've always wanted to do, but have never been brave enough, or to overcome a fear. Something to push myself to show myself that yeah, it's uncomfortable, but I can and I'm strong and it's not so scary. She flat-out Double Dog Dared me to this challenge. She just took this nutrition shit next level. I can't back down from a DDD and she knew it. She's like an evil genius.
I agreed to the DDD challenge and went home to consider what I could do. I thought about what fear I had or bucket list thing I could do. I honestly was at a loss. I have myself so conditioned on what is possible or what is realistic, I wasn't able to think about the possibilities of what I could challenge myself to do. What I could hope to do. Drawing a blank, I took my challenge situation to a higher power...I went where I knew people full of ideas and advice live...Facebook. I knew they would have the answers I was seeking.
Sure enough, my peeps did not disappoint. I did go ahead and rule out things like holding spiders and jumping into the ocean right off the bat. I want to challenge myself, not die. I continued wading through the suggestions and noticed a couple of my peeps suggested doing a boudoir photo shoot. To be honest, I had thought about doing one in the past, but always felt strongly that if I ever did it, it would be after I lost the weight, maybe had some sort of surgery or when I grew my hair out...or whatever. Someday, when I felt beautiful and proud, I would do it. It just hasn't been time yet. I'm not ready. You know, someday I will be ready when I lose the weight, get in shape and become happy...that is the perfect time for that type of thing. The perfect time is not now because...naked cellulite, gross.
And even though I have allowed my mind to dictate this debilitating message to my psyche, I do truly believe, in my heart, that I need to just be happy in the now and accept where I am in my journey today. I know that is what leads to happy moments and enjoying life. Happiness is not a place or destination and it's not a constant. It's a feeling and a moment in time. So, for this DDD, what better way to be happy in the moment and accept where I am than to raise the white flag and say, "Today is the day I celebrate where I am, regardless of body mass or progress on my journey." I'm going to be brave and bold and proud in this squishy body that has successfully lead me to this 48th year of life. Maybe, just maybe, I can make peace with this body and accept that it is good enough today. It's good enough to be worth the effort to make it better. It's good enough because I love it, instead of hating every inch of it. That sounds like a pretty big freaking DDD right there.
I sealed my fate and sent Princess Paleo an email advising her that I had chosen the boudoir photo shoot as the DDD. Not only that, I'd researched photographers and found a studio that specializes in this type of thing and had booked an appointment. There. It's happening. I'm committed.
That happened about a month ago.
That appointment is actually this Friday.
I'm completely freaking out.
I have been agonizing on what to wear and trying to decide how revealing I want to go. I am so scared I'm going to look at these photo's and want to stab my eyes out. So scared that I'm going to look like the Star Wars Illustrated Jabba the Butt swim suit edition centerfold model of 2020. Fer serious. I'm so scared that during this photo shoot I will be thinking in my mind, "look at me, I'm sexy, I'm beautiful, blah, blah, blah..." but that when I see the pictures on screen, all I will see is Miss Piggy in lingerie. A legit, Walmart, tube-top wearing, back-boob sporting Fatty Mcfatterson. <-- How do I jump the hurdle of hearing that self-talk and seeing anything different on the screen?
I don't know. I've been working on that for a lifetime.
I guess this DDD is a good way to push myself to see if success looks as good as it feels. <-- I don't care who you are, that just got real right there. Did you see what I just did there?
Anyhoosle, in the spirit of my usual over-sharing, I'm taking you on my journey of me over-exposing myself. This time, fer serious, in the flesh. Tonight is Part One of this mini series. Part Two is all about the wardrobe selection...specifically lingerie. Stay tuned, if you dare. Crisis in progress...
