It's been too long since my last therapy session with The Rug Doctor. Work and life stuff just got in the way, so it's been a month, I think, since I've had an appointment. Based on the title of this blog, I think we all know I waited too long to see her.
Today I was feeling all sorts of anxiety, angst and sadness. One of the things that has me a little anxious is my upcoming hysterectomy at the end of June. I received a call from the doctor today advising me that my fibroid has not reduced in size at all and is clearly not responding to the Lupron shots I've been getting for months now. So, we are moving forward with the procedure. I've talked to many of my gal-pals and I have gotten pretty positive reviews. Everyone agrees that I won't regret having the baby shack taken out. Well, no shit. No more periods, duh. Who's gonna miss that? I'm sure no one ever said, "Oh no, I don't need to buy feminine products or worry about leaving a blood kiss on the chair or in my favorite rainbow underpants." Seriously. With that said, removing the angry uterus does bring up some feelings.
I told the Rug Doctor about my ultrasound appointment the other day when I could hear the woman in the next room being told she was 13 weeks along. I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't get a little teary-eyed. That woman got to hear the allegedly exciting news about the baby growing inside her and here I am putting a definite end to any sort of chance that I would ever carry a child. I mean, we pretty much took care of that when I took Shark Bait in to get fixed, but still, this is very final. There is a part of me that is sad about never having had a child of my own. I feel like I have mourned that over the last eight years or so, but part of being a woman is that junk inside that gives you the ability to spawn offspring. Will I feel any less of a woman when it's over? I honestly don't know.
We also talked about the procedure itself. I've done some Googling, I've asked some people and I am preparing questions for the pre-op appointment with the Gyno Doc, but I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit nervous. I do know we are leaving my ovaries intact, but I think everything else is coming out. Like my cervix. I think it's coming out, but I'm not sure. And if I do take it out, I hear you gotta be super careful, because if you don't heal right, I hear your vagina can prolapse and fall out!!! What the fuck? I have all sorts of questions about this possibility!
So many questions. I mean, I know for most people it is a great life change and they are so happy they did it. But what if I am part of the small percentage of people that has post partum uterus detachment syndrome? I don't know if it is a thing, but it sounds legit. Like, one day, I'm like, "Back when I had my uterus, this wouldn't have happened..." I can't think what that event would be, actually, but it could be a thing. Maybe I'll think, "I can't blame my bitchiness on shark week now." Now I will need to like, take accountability for my actions or have a legit reason. This is bullshit. I've partnered with this uterus all these years to scare the shit out of people every 28 days and now, I just have to be randomly scary to keep them on their toes. I mean, I actually think I may already do that, but this sounds like extra effort that my hormones provided naturally.
For the record, The Rug Doctor doesn't think I have anything to worry about, but she does want me to talk to the Gyno Doc to feel better about my choices. She strongly recommended against utilizing my Google MD research techniques and just relaxing until I have more information from the doctor. She also said it is normal that I would be feeling sad about losing this very important part of my anatomy. Even if I made the choice to not have children, it is still a big deal and my feelings are valid.
I'm sorry if this was a little over the top, but vagina placement is a big deal. I'll keep you updated if it does fall out after surgery, because I am going to make a ton of money on my vagina fanny pack invention.
Today I was feeling all sorts of anxiety, angst and sadness. One of the things that has me a little anxious is my upcoming hysterectomy at the end of June. I received a call from the doctor today advising me that my fibroid has not reduced in size at all and is clearly not responding to the Lupron shots I've been getting for months now. So, we are moving forward with the procedure. I've talked to many of my gal-pals and I have gotten pretty positive reviews. Everyone agrees that I won't regret having the baby shack taken out. Well, no shit. No more periods, duh. Who's gonna miss that? I'm sure no one ever said, "Oh no, I don't need to buy feminine products or worry about leaving a blood kiss on the chair or in my favorite rainbow underpants." Seriously. With that said, removing the angry uterus does bring up some feelings.
I told the Rug Doctor about my ultrasound appointment the other day when I could hear the woman in the next room being told she was 13 weeks along. I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't get a little teary-eyed. That woman got to hear the allegedly exciting news about the baby growing inside her and here I am putting a definite end to any sort of chance that I would ever carry a child. I mean, we pretty much took care of that when I took Shark Bait in to get fixed, but still, this is very final. There is a part of me that is sad about never having had a child of my own. I feel like I have mourned that over the last eight years or so, but part of being a woman is that junk inside that gives you the ability to spawn offspring. Will I feel any less of a woman when it's over? I honestly don't know.
We also talked about the procedure itself. I've done some Googling, I've asked some people and I am preparing questions for the pre-op appointment with the Gyno Doc, but I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit nervous. I do know we are leaving my ovaries intact, but I think everything else is coming out. Like my cervix. I think it's coming out, but I'm not sure. And if I do take it out, I hear you gotta be super careful, because if you don't heal right, I hear your vagina can prolapse and fall out!!! What the fuck? I have all sorts of questions about this possibility!
- Once everything is out, is my whole vaginal area like a dark tunnel? A black hole? Like, an empty parking garage?
- Is it like standing on the top of the Swiss Alps yelling, "helloooooo..." as it echos back?
- When I pee, is it just going to be like a fire hose on full blast with nothing to slow the flow?
- If it is a windy day, will my lower lady lips make a flapping sound in the wind if I wear a dress?
- Will my ovaries just fall out like marbles on the floor and I'm running around chasing them like that guy in Return to Neverland finding his marbles? I mean, I know I won't get to fly, but still...
- Will my vagina just fall out one day? Like, "splatt!" right onto the ground. I pick it up, dust it off and put it back in? Put it in my pocket?
- Will I need a vagina fanny pack that I attach in the front of me and it just rides around in there in case I need it?
- Will my vagina truly become nature's purse and I can carry stuff around in there?
- What about sex, will I just hand it to Shark Bait and say, "let me know when I'm getting close."
- Will I need to wear shorts like guys do at the gym to keep their balls harnessed?
- If I sit down on a bench that is wet with paint, but I didn't know it was wet, so I sat down, will I leave a normal butt print in the wet paint, or will it be a butt print with a little extra splotch in the front for my girl stuff that just hangs loose?
- Will I be able to lay in a hammock without my vagina falling through the mesh netting and trapping me there?
- Will it fall in the toilet when I pee?
- Will I be able to slide into a booth at a restaurant?
So many questions. I mean, I know for most people it is a great life change and they are so happy they did it. But what if I am part of the small percentage of people that has post partum uterus detachment syndrome? I don't know if it is a thing, but it sounds legit. Like, one day, I'm like, "Back when I had my uterus, this wouldn't have happened..." I can't think what that event would be, actually, but it could be a thing. Maybe I'll think, "I can't blame my bitchiness on shark week now." Now I will need to like, take accountability for my actions or have a legit reason. This is bullshit. I've partnered with this uterus all these years to scare the shit out of people every 28 days and now, I just have to be randomly scary to keep them on their toes. I mean, I actually think I may already do that, but this sounds like extra effort that my hormones provided naturally.
For the record, The Rug Doctor doesn't think I have anything to worry about, but she does want me to talk to the Gyno Doc to feel better about my choices. She strongly recommended against utilizing my Google MD research techniques and just relaxing until I have more information from the doctor. She also said it is normal that I would be feeling sad about losing this very important part of my anatomy. Even if I made the choice to not have children, it is still a big deal and my feelings are valid.
I'm sorry if this was a little over the top, but vagina placement is a big deal. I'll keep you updated if it does fall out after surgery, because I am going to make a ton of money on my vagina fanny pack invention.
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| This is what it will look like as my vagina sucks me in. |
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