I've had a couple of melt-downs as of late. I'll probably talk about the one I had yesterday at some point in the near future. I'm mulling over what it all means in my head and then I will likely puke it all out here. I know, that right there was just as enticing as a preview for the Bachelorette. "On next week's episode, JoJo can't decide if she should wear the blue dress and kiss Chad, or if she should wear short-shorts and make out with Robbie, but what she doesn't know is that the guy from Canada was wiping his package all over everyone's toothbrushes...stay tuned, for the most dramatic rose ceremony...EVER!!!"
But for now, I'd like to talk about my living conditions that lead to this mornings temper tantrum. You see, we live in what they call the "Seven Lakes" area. Which, actually is dumb, because I think there are more than seven. That's beside the point. One of those lakes is just down the road from us. In addition to that, we live in a very heavily wooded area. We have trees all around us, so you combine the two, and what does it get you? BUGS. Bugs fucking EVERYWHERE. Like, I cannot describe to you how many there are and the varieties. We may live in a house, but we may as well live naked in the woods for all the good it does to have those walls.
To make it all worse, our house gets stuffy, so when we get home, we open the front door and the back door for kind of a cross breeze. We are letting the house breathe. Now, it is true that we have a screen door on each entrance, however, Shark Bait feels as if that doesn't allow enough air flow and then it doesn't allow the dogs to go in and out. You see where this is headed, right? So, the mother trucking bugs rush in like it's black Friday at Walmart. Yesterday I opened the back door and a huge moth was waiting to get in and as soon as I opened the door it rushed in like someone selling me eternal salvation. And those moths aren't too bright, they fly in your face, your mouth, your hair, into the wall, on the floor. It's ridiculous, how do they survive in the wild?
And then, we have these things I call "skeeter bugs" which Shark Bait calls them Crane Flies. Look, I don't give a shit if their name is Ice Cream Sundae bugs, they are freaking annoying. They skitter all over the place and then eventually die in the bathtub or the window sills. Grosses me out. Between them, the moths, the spiders, mosquitoes, bees and what ever else gets in here, I feel like I'm on a fucking safari every damn day!
This morning, it was no different. I get up and I walk into the bathroom. Luckily, I did not have to navigate through a spider web in the doorway, so that was a plus. I see a skeeter bug thing scampering around. I look over in the bathtub and two carcasses are sprawled out on the bottom of the tub, apparently they didn't make it though the night. I get in the shower and go to grab my shampoo and two small black bugs go flying around in a circle, no clue what the hell they were, rat maggots for all I know. I'm cussing and waving my hands around. I have a skeeter bug up in the corner of the shower, watching me. Freaking pervert. Hopefully it isn't someone's drone because they are going to be very disappointed and traumatized by my primitive state in the shower.
Anyway, I finish up and go out to the sink to brush my teeth and there is the freaking skeeter bug flitting around. I open the cabinet where my toothbrush is and the freaking skeeter bug goes in there. Now, the cabinet is one of those three piece mirror things where each piece lets you into a different part of the cabinet. The stupid skeeter bug goes in where my toothbrush is and I am cussing up a storm. I open the other part and there is the skeeter bug stuck in what appears to be an invisible spidey web. So, that's great, I have Wonder Woman the freaking spider and her magic web lasso going on in my freaking medicine cabinet. Well, stupid skeeter bug, that'll teach you. I get a wash cloth and get its stranded carcass out of there and now I'm freaked out because Wonder Woman the spider could be anywhere with her invisible lasso. And, actually, because I don't see any spiders, she's probably invisible, too. Just fucking great. It's not bad enough I hate the ones I can see and now the freaking superhero variety are taking over my home. I guess the spider deterrent things I have plugged into the wall are no kryptonite to them.
All this cussing and slamming around apparently has woke up Shark Bait. He's like what's all the commotion about? And that's when I told him... (apologize for the language you are about to be subjected to, but it was at 6:10AM, I didn't have my rational voice warmed up yet)
"What's wrong?! I'll tell you what's wrong!! I am SICK. AND. TIRED. of living in the FUCKING WOODS! I feel like I need a fucking safari ensemble to just walk around in my own fucking home! Why do we even have walls? Why don't we just walk around naked in the woods, because that is exactly what it is like!! And where did I get these bites on me? Huh? I don't know...WHEN I WAS SLEEPING? Probably the skeeter bugs or God only knows what else is flying around here dining on my fucking fat carcass all night while I sleep trying not to be wrapped up in a fucking cocoon by Wonder Woman the Spider! Why don't we leave the doors open ALL NIGHT LONG? Why don't we just let every fucking bug in Snohomish County in? Huh? Look at my bathtub! Full of death! We are going to die here like those skeeter bugs, I know it! I can't take a shower alone, I can't do anything without a bug interaction. I don't live in the jungles of Africa, I should not have to wear protective clothing in my own house!!!"
With that, I finished up and walked into the kitchen. A huge moth flew right into my face and then crashed to the floor. Shark Bait was silent. I said, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!" He smiled and said, "yeah...." I just could not comprehend it. "How stupid are those things? What possible purpose could it serve. IT FLEW INTO MY FUCKING FACE and dropped to what could be it's death. It's not like I'm hard to see!!!!"
I got my stuff together and kissed Shark Bait good-bye. I walked out on the porch to head to my truck. Walked through a spider web. Cussed at it. Got to the end of the ramp, dodged a slug and got into my truck. I sat there, cussing. I'm a country girl. I get being outdoors, but this is fucking ridiculous.
As I write this, the I-5 of bug transport is happening as we speak. The living room door wide open, nature coming in and out of our house. Mostly in. I give up. I'm going to bring sexy back. Scratching is sexy. Bumps on your arm are sexy. Bumps on your ass that no one else can see, but that you scratch all day in public because the bug venom is making your ass itch, that's sexy. That bump in the middle of my chest, totally in style. That's right, I'm a mother-trucking-itching-scratching-bleeding-scabbing sexy goddess. Fuck smooth skin and being able to see through the locust swarming in my home. Embrace it. I'm going to. My body is like the all you can eat buffet at Cracker Barrel for forest dwelling bugs. I'm powerless to stop it.
However, that could be the skeeter bug venom talking.
P.S. does anyone know if Yankee makes a citronella scented candle?
P.P.S.S. I have a new bite on my ankle that's making me crazy.
But for now, I'd like to talk about my living conditions that lead to this mornings temper tantrum. You see, we live in what they call the "Seven Lakes" area. Which, actually is dumb, because I think there are more than seven. That's beside the point. One of those lakes is just down the road from us. In addition to that, we live in a very heavily wooded area. We have trees all around us, so you combine the two, and what does it get you? BUGS. Bugs fucking EVERYWHERE. Like, I cannot describe to you how many there are and the varieties. We may live in a house, but we may as well live naked in the woods for all the good it does to have those walls.
To make it all worse, our house gets stuffy, so when we get home, we open the front door and the back door for kind of a cross breeze. We are letting the house breathe. Now, it is true that we have a screen door on each entrance, however, Shark Bait feels as if that doesn't allow enough air flow and then it doesn't allow the dogs to go in and out. You see where this is headed, right? So, the mother trucking bugs rush in like it's black Friday at Walmart. Yesterday I opened the back door and a huge moth was waiting to get in and as soon as I opened the door it rushed in like someone selling me eternal salvation. And those moths aren't too bright, they fly in your face, your mouth, your hair, into the wall, on the floor. It's ridiculous, how do they survive in the wild?
And then, we have these things I call "skeeter bugs" which Shark Bait calls them Crane Flies. Look, I don't give a shit if their name is Ice Cream Sundae bugs, they are freaking annoying. They skitter all over the place and then eventually die in the bathtub or the window sills. Grosses me out. Between them, the moths, the spiders, mosquitoes, bees and what ever else gets in here, I feel like I'm on a fucking safari every damn day!
This morning, it was no different. I get up and I walk into the bathroom. Luckily, I did not have to navigate through a spider web in the doorway, so that was a plus. I see a skeeter bug thing scampering around. I look over in the bathtub and two carcasses are sprawled out on the bottom of the tub, apparently they didn't make it though the night. I get in the shower and go to grab my shampoo and two small black bugs go flying around in a circle, no clue what the hell they were, rat maggots for all I know. I'm cussing and waving my hands around. I have a skeeter bug up in the corner of the shower, watching me. Freaking pervert. Hopefully it isn't someone's drone because they are going to be very disappointed and traumatized by my primitive state in the shower.
Anyway, I finish up and go out to the sink to brush my teeth and there is the freaking skeeter bug flitting around. I open the cabinet where my toothbrush is and the freaking skeeter bug goes in there. Now, the cabinet is one of those three piece mirror things where each piece lets you into a different part of the cabinet. The stupid skeeter bug goes in where my toothbrush is and I am cussing up a storm. I open the other part and there is the skeeter bug stuck in what appears to be an invisible spidey web. So, that's great, I have Wonder Woman the freaking spider and her magic web lasso going on in my freaking medicine cabinet. Well, stupid skeeter bug, that'll teach you. I get a wash cloth and get its stranded carcass out of there and now I'm freaked out because Wonder Woman the spider could be anywhere with her invisible lasso. And, actually, because I don't see any spiders, she's probably invisible, too. Just fucking great. It's not bad enough I hate the ones I can see and now the freaking superhero variety are taking over my home. I guess the spider deterrent things I have plugged into the wall are no kryptonite to them.
All this cussing and slamming around apparently has woke up Shark Bait. He's like what's all the commotion about? And that's when I told him... (apologize for the language you are about to be subjected to, but it was at 6:10AM, I didn't have my rational voice warmed up yet)
"What's wrong?! I'll tell you what's wrong!! I am SICK. AND. TIRED. of living in the FUCKING WOODS! I feel like I need a fucking safari ensemble to just walk around in my own fucking home! Why do we even have walls? Why don't we just walk around naked in the woods, because that is exactly what it is like!! And where did I get these bites on me? Huh? I don't know...WHEN I WAS SLEEPING? Probably the skeeter bugs or God only knows what else is flying around here dining on my fucking fat carcass all night while I sleep trying not to be wrapped up in a fucking cocoon by Wonder Woman the Spider! Why don't we leave the doors open ALL NIGHT LONG? Why don't we just let every fucking bug in Snohomish County in? Huh? Look at my bathtub! Full of death! We are going to die here like those skeeter bugs, I know it! I can't take a shower alone, I can't do anything without a bug interaction. I don't live in the jungles of Africa, I should not have to wear protective clothing in my own house!!!"
With that, I finished up and walked into the kitchen. A huge moth flew right into my face and then crashed to the floor. Shark Bait was silent. I said, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!" He smiled and said, "yeah...." I just could not comprehend it. "How stupid are those things? What possible purpose could it serve. IT FLEW INTO MY FUCKING FACE and dropped to what could be it's death. It's not like I'm hard to see!!!!"
I got my stuff together and kissed Shark Bait good-bye. I walked out on the porch to head to my truck. Walked through a spider web. Cussed at it. Got to the end of the ramp, dodged a slug and got into my truck. I sat there, cussing. I'm a country girl. I get being outdoors, but this is fucking ridiculous.
As I write this, the I-5 of bug transport is happening as we speak. The living room door wide open, nature coming in and out of our house. Mostly in. I give up. I'm going to bring sexy back. Scratching is sexy. Bumps on your arm are sexy. Bumps on your ass that no one else can see, but that you scratch all day in public because the bug venom is making your ass itch, that's sexy. That bump in the middle of my chest, totally in style. That's right, I'm a mother-trucking-itching-scratching-bleeding-scabbing sexy goddess. Fuck smooth skin and being able to see through the locust swarming in my home. Embrace it. I'm going to. My body is like the all you can eat buffet at Cracker Barrel for forest dwelling bugs. I'm powerless to stop it.
However, that could be the skeeter bug venom talking.
P.S. does anyone know if Yankee makes a citronella scented candle?
P.P.S.S. I have a new bite on my ankle that's making me crazy.
