It was a crazy week last week and a crazy weekend. I figured, before life got any crazier, I needed to regain some control. One of the places I seriously need to do that is in the arena of nutrition. I needed to be taking my vitamins everyday and doing my morning shake, which I hadn't done for a few weeks. Time to get supplies and get back on track.
I headed on in to the local supplement store to get some protein powder and some protein bars. I noticed they had re-arranged since last time I was there and had some new stuff. I'm walking up and down the aisle with Shark Bait and I see the cleansing product aisle. I've never really done a cleanse, but maybe I should? One of the boxes just spoke to me, "Tired? Bloated? No Energy? Depressed?" Well, hell yes, check, check, check and check! Clearly I should consider it. Shark Bait was a bit skeptical. I asked him what he thought and he says, "Well, if you want to shit yourself for a week, go ahead, but that should do the trick." This is the kind of support I've come to expect from Shark Bait. I started to walk away, but I couldn't stop looking at that box that listed off all my problems in bold print. Well, not all of them, but at least four of them. I moved back over and looked at them again. I started reading boxes and they all said "it" should happen "gently." Well, if they are saying gently, then I can do gently, right? But what is the definition of gently? Like, I'll be shitting so fast that I won't notice it is happening? Like, it will ooze out? Will it be as relaxing as petting a soft rabbit? I just didn't know.
It was about that time that one of the salespeople that works there asked if I had any questions. Nicely dressed guy, about my age, maybe a little older, gray hair pulled back in a ponytail. Kind of a hippy kind of guy. What do I have to lose? I said, "So, if I am going to do a cleanse, is there any of these you would recommend over the others?" He gets down to it right away, "What's your goal? Weight-loss? Just detoxing? You blocked up?" I told him just feeling sluggish. He says, "Well, let me ask you, how many times do you poop a day?" This just got personal. I'm glad he was comfortable with this. I told him my regime. He says, "Well, you should be pooping three times a day." Wait, that's a lot of time in the bathroom. I mean, how full of shit am I? He then proceeds to go into detail about the stance I should take when I poop. As I'm watching him squatted on the floor assuming the position, I'm nodding and actively listening, because damn it, this guy...this guy gives a shit. He then tells me I should purchase a Squatty Potty so that I may always achieve a perfect shitting experience. I didn't see those on the shelf next to the cleansing products, so I passed on that suggestion. I did, however, decide to purchase a 14-day cleanse called "Flush & Be Fit." The Poop Master, as I shall call him henceforth, said it was a good one. He did say if things started moving too fast, to just stop the cleanse until things returned to normal. He also wanted to make sure I didn't buy this one product up there on the shelf because it's a laxative and if people use it all the time, their intestines will just stop slowing the the process and stop doing the thing they do to create poop and it will just shoot out your ass because there is no control. And then, if you stop using it, your body just plugs up and won't go at all. NOTED. NOT buying that. I don't need an ass that doesn't give a shit...literally speaking.
On Sunday morning I took my first two pills and prayed it was going to be okay. The Poop Master said that it wouldn't happen within hours, but that within a day or so, I should notice some movement. Shark Bait had asked The Poop Master if I was going to be running for the bathroom as soon as it hit, but The Poop Master didn't think it would be that dire. And, as it turned out, Sunday went pretty smoothly. I drank a ton of water and had no episodes. Which is good, because we had to go to Walmart and, as usual, I found the slowest cashier. She is examining each item, struggling with the bags, all the while moving at the pace of a depressed sloth. I was purchasing some panty liners and she holds them up, looks confused and says to me, "is it okay if these touch other stuff?" I looked confused, but said yes, that would be fine. I mean, what exactly was going to happen if the package of panty liners touched my can of chicken broth? Maybe there's a story. Maybe she's heard something. I mean, strange stuff goes down there. Anyway, I digress. The happenings at Walmart is surely another blog in itself.
This morning, I got up feeling decent. Still no major issues. I'm thinking this cleansing is no big deal. I got this. I headed on in to work and had my morning chit-chat with my boss. We talk about bathroom stuff and a bunch of other stuff equally personal on the regular, so I told her I got the cleanse. She says, "Whoa, okay...well, if you disappear, I'll know where you are." I said, yeah, don't ask any questions. She goes on, "You know, it's going to stink really bad, too. Like, BAD." Well, good to know.
Things were going pretty good for the first hour or so. Then, there was a noticeable shift. I felt a little weird. As the morning progressed, just a lot of going to the bathroom to process all the water I was drinking. During the last visit I had put a big hole in my nylons by accident, so at this point, if things went south, no reason to be gentle, damage has been done.
Anyway, I ate lunch and was doing okay. I took my noontime pills, as directed, but I was not feeling well. Valerina came to see if I wanted to take a walk outside and I declined. I didn't think it was safe. I started to do some deep breathing. I wasn't sure if I was going to throw up or shit myself. I squirmed in my chair. I told Valerina I would walk as far as the elevators with her, but that I needed to hit the can. We get all the way over to the hallway and I notice the bathroom is closed for cleaning. I think Valerina could sense the fear. She said quickly, "here, let's go up to the 5th floor, you'll be safe there." I went up there and found refuge in an empty bathroom. Thank you, baby Jesus. What transpired next I'm going to leave out, but I will say this, when the boss is right, the boss is right. I finally came out of the stall, half leaning, half staggering. I washed my hands, did some deep breathing and left the bathroom kind of like John Wayne in a western flick where he had been shot in the gut. I felt remorse for what I had done in there. I hope no one was going to be needing that bathroom soon. I would like to state, for the record, that no poop was smeared on the wall, the seat, the floor, etc. I was able to keep it all where it needed to go without finger painting like those before me. Just clarifying.
I got back down to my desk and I messaged Valerina. I said, "There was just an intestinal reckoning in there." She said, "Oh, okay, cuz the janitor is in there now." That poor bastard just took one for the team. Bless his heart. I continued my breathing exercises. Suddenly there was a noise in my stomach. Oh shit. Jurassic World was happening in my belly. I feared what would come next. I continued to breathe. I could do this. I was going to be okay and I would not shit myself. Not on this day, not in this chair. I'm stronger than this. The box said it would be gentle!
I finished my day without further incident, but I'm not going to lie, I have 12 more days to go and I'm scared. This isn't over. Here's hoping I don't have to "stop until it returns to normal," because I'm like one of those shit spreaders the farmers use out in the fields on dairy farms. However, it is comforting to know there is an 800# I can call if the shit hits the fan to get advice from people like The Poop Master.
Fingers crossed, people. Fingers crossed. And cheeks clenched. I could potentially have buns of steel after this. Win-win.
I headed on in to the local supplement store to get some protein powder and some protein bars. I noticed they had re-arranged since last time I was there and had some new stuff. I'm walking up and down the aisle with Shark Bait and I see the cleansing product aisle. I've never really done a cleanse, but maybe I should? One of the boxes just spoke to me, "Tired? Bloated? No Energy? Depressed?" Well, hell yes, check, check, check and check! Clearly I should consider it. Shark Bait was a bit skeptical. I asked him what he thought and he says, "Well, if you want to shit yourself for a week, go ahead, but that should do the trick." This is the kind of support I've come to expect from Shark Bait. I started to walk away, but I couldn't stop looking at that box that listed off all my problems in bold print. Well, not all of them, but at least four of them. I moved back over and looked at them again. I started reading boxes and they all said "it" should happen "gently." Well, if they are saying gently, then I can do gently, right? But what is the definition of gently? Like, I'll be shitting so fast that I won't notice it is happening? Like, it will ooze out? Will it be as relaxing as petting a soft rabbit? I just didn't know.
It was about that time that one of the salespeople that works there asked if I had any questions. Nicely dressed guy, about my age, maybe a little older, gray hair pulled back in a ponytail. Kind of a hippy kind of guy. What do I have to lose? I said, "So, if I am going to do a cleanse, is there any of these you would recommend over the others?" He gets down to it right away, "What's your goal? Weight-loss? Just detoxing? You blocked up?" I told him just feeling sluggish. He says, "Well, let me ask you, how many times do you poop a day?" This just got personal. I'm glad he was comfortable with this. I told him my regime. He says, "Well, you should be pooping three times a day." Wait, that's a lot of time in the bathroom. I mean, how full of shit am I? He then proceeds to go into detail about the stance I should take when I poop. As I'm watching him squatted on the floor assuming the position, I'm nodding and actively listening, because damn it, this guy...this guy gives a shit. He then tells me I should purchase a Squatty Potty so that I may always achieve a perfect shitting experience. I didn't see those on the shelf next to the cleansing products, so I passed on that suggestion. I did, however, decide to purchase a 14-day cleanse called "Flush & Be Fit." The Poop Master, as I shall call him henceforth, said it was a good one. He did say if things started moving too fast, to just stop the cleanse until things returned to normal. He also wanted to make sure I didn't buy this one product up there on the shelf because it's a laxative and if people use it all the time, their intestines will just stop slowing the the process and stop doing the thing they do to create poop and it will just shoot out your ass because there is no control. And then, if you stop using it, your body just plugs up and won't go at all. NOTED. NOT buying that. I don't need an ass that doesn't give a shit...literally speaking.
On Sunday morning I took my first two pills and prayed it was going to be okay. The Poop Master said that it wouldn't happen within hours, but that within a day or so, I should notice some movement. Shark Bait had asked The Poop Master if I was going to be running for the bathroom as soon as it hit, but The Poop Master didn't think it would be that dire. And, as it turned out, Sunday went pretty smoothly. I drank a ton of water and had no episodes. Which is good, because we had to go to Walmart and, as usual, I found the slowest cashier. She is examining each item, struggling with the bags, all the while moving at the pace of a depressed sloth. I was purchasing some panty liners and she holds them up, looks confused and says to me, "is it okay if these touch other stuff?" I looked confused, but said yes, that would be fine. I mean, what exactly was going to happen if the package of panty liners touched my can of chicken broth? Maybe there's a story. Maybe she's heard something. I mean, strange stuff goes down there. Anyway, I digress. The happenings at Walmart is surely another blog in itself.
This morning, I got up feeling decent. Still no major issues. I'm thinking this cleansing is no big deal. I got this. I headed on in to work and had my morning chit-chat with my boss. We talk about bathroom stuff and a bunch of other stuff equally personal on the regular, so I told her I got the cleanse. She says, "Whoa, okay...well, if you disappear, I'll know where you are." I said, yeah, don't ask any questions. She goes on, "You know, it's going to stink really bad, too. Like, BAD." Well, good to know.
Things were going pretty good for the first hour or so. Then, there was a noticeable shift. I felt a little weird. As the morning progressed, just a lot of going to the bathroom to process all the water I was drinking. During the last visit I had put a big hole in my nylons by accident, so at this point, if things went south, no reason to be gentle, damage has been done.
Anyway, I ate lunch and was doing okay. I took my noontime pills, as directed, but I was not feeling well. Valerina came to see if I wanted to take a walk outside and I declined. I didn't think it was safe. I started to do some deep breathing. I wasn't sure if I was going to throw up or shit myself. I squirmed in my chair. I told Valerina I would walk as far as the elevators with her, but that I needed to hit the can. We get all the way over to the hallway and I notice the bathroom is closed for cleaning. I think Valerina could sense the fear. She said quickly, "here, let's go up to the 5th floor, you'll be safe there." I went up there and found refuge in an empty bathroom. Thank you, baby Jesus. What transpired next I'm going to leave out, but I will say this, when the boss is right, the boss is right. I finally came out of the stall, half leaning, half staggering. I washed my hands, did some deep breathing and left the bathroom kind of like John Wayne in a western flick where he had been shot in the gut. I felt remorse for what I had done in there. I hope no one was going to be needing that bathroom soon. I would like to state, for the record, that no poop was smeared on the wall, the seat, the floor, etc. I was able to keep it all where it needed to go without finger painting like those before me. Just clarifying.
I got back down to my desk and I messaged Valerina. I said, "There was just an intestinal reckoning in there." She said, "Oh, okay, cuz the janitor is in there now." That poor bastard just took one for the team. Bless his heart. I continued my breathing exercises. Suddenly there was a noise in my stomach. Oh shit. Jurassic World was happening in my belly. I feared what would come next. I continued to breathe. I could do this. I was going to be okay and I would not shit myself. Not on this day, not in this chair. I'm stronger than this. The box said it would be gentle!
I finished my day without further incident, but I'm not going to lie, I have 12 more days to go and I'm scared. This isn't over. Here's hoping I don't have to "stop until it returns to normal," because I'm like one of those shit spreaders the farmers use out in the fields on dairy farms. However, it is comforting to know there is an 800# I can call if the shit hits the fan to get advice from people like The Poop Master.
Fingers crossed, people. Fingers crossed. And cheeks clenched. I could potentially have buns of steel after this. Win-win.
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