I wasn't going to blog about today, but Shark Bait said I should. He felt like I owed it to my library of blogs about my journey to add today's event to the collection. I haven't really felt like blogging about "the journey" lately as it is a bit stagnant and I am re-kindling the fire to achieve my Little Black Dress goal in December. I'm just doing what I need to do (most days) with minor set backs here and there, but just moving forward and trying not to dwell on the past or what is holding me back. Trying to focus on what will move me forward. This is just daily life. Not really blog material. I mean, I'm sure some of you are frankly sick of hearing about it. But, I did have what we call on the support group forum page a "non scale victory" (aka an NSV), so I will share.
Today I went to get some new shoes. Summer is just about over and it's time to think about shoes for Fall. I went to a place I found a couple years ago that specializes in wide width shoes. I have always struggled with fit because my feet are so wide and I have bad knees. The shoes are a little spendy, but they are excellent quality and last a long time. And, most importantly, they fit. That's kind of a big deal after years of collecting pair after pair of shoes that seemed to fit at the store and then hurt my feet or affected my knees after a few wears. I would add tape, or padding or moleskin or something to make them work. It was ridiculous. Anyway, this store has saved me since I found it. Today I was in there looking for some sensible, but cute shoes for Fall weather. I found a few that seemed to fit the bill, and were actually a half size smaller than my last visit to the store, which I thought was pretty cool. And then, I saw off in the corner with a sales sticker on it, a pair of tall, leather, black boots. I've dreamed of wearing such a pair of boots for a long time, but I have never been able to wear them because my calves are just simply too wide. Last year I got brave and found a pair of tall, cheaply made boots at the great American fat girl store, Lane Bryant. I bought them and tried to wear them, but they didn't fit right around the leg and the cheap material of the boots just slid down into a puddle around my ankles. The boot dream died and I gave them away. But, today, my eyes lit up, just a little. I wondered what it would be like to put those boots on. I wondered if they would fit. If they didn't, I would be sad. I mean, I was at a wide shoe store and those boots were made for someone with a larger calf size, so, theoretically, they might fit. I picked up the boots and stared at them. I petted them. I smelled them. I looked at the price and a little piece of me died inside. Holy shit they were expensive, but I had to know, would they fit?
Before I go on, I need you to understand something. I have always said, if I ever get skinny, I'm going to dress like the tramp I am deep inside. I want to wear a mini-skirt and tall boots. Not the "throw me down and fuck me" kind of boots with high heels, although....no, no, just the regular stylish ones. I want my boobs pushed up to here. I want to walk around like I'm always walking into a wind machine and that guys are always looking at my ass as I pass by. I know, it's so primal and shallow, but when you have spent your life trying to cover your body in shame and watching all these other girls/women get all the attention in the world and get to wear anything they want, you crave that. Okay, so maybe you don't, but I DO. Now, as I have lost some weight, I see what is going on with my thighs and it isn't pretty. Likely, I do not have a mini-skirt in my future. But maybe, just maybe, I have boots in my future. I don't have the legs for them, but I want to feel like I can wear them if I want to. Victoria Secret helped me get my boobs up to here, now I want to wear leather all the way from toe to knee.
As I stood there, having my boot fantasy, I put them back on the shelf and walked away. I tried some more shoes on. But there they were, just staring at me. I asked the sales associate, "can you see if you have those in my size?" She brought me two boxes out and set them in front of me. I stared at them and opened the box. I pulled one out and unzipped it. I was excited and scared. The store was full of people. What if they didn't fit around my legs, how embarrassing. As if sensing my inter turmoil, a larger, older lady with a walker and very swollen legs sitting across the way from me said, "I couldn't wear boots until I was 52 years old, my feet were always too big." I nodded in understanding and smiled at her. It was now or never. I pulled my jeans all the way up to my knees. I slipped the boot on my foot and pulled the top up. I pulled the zipper and prayed. They easily zipped all the way to the top. The sales clerk squealed with delight, "Oh, they fit!! Nice!" I put the other one on and walked over to Shark Bait, who was deep into reading something on his Kindle over in the corner. I said, "so what do you think?" He looked up, kind of like he was being the dutiful husband and was already prepared to say, "yes, baby, those are nice..." and then he saw what I was wearing and his face lit up and he said, "Hey, those look really good!" It was the response I needed to hear and see, but I immediately went into insecure mode, "Do you think they make my legs look bigger? Do you think I can pull them off? Do they look baggy around the ankle? What if I wear them with a skirt, don't you think my legs will look bigger?" He said, very firmly, "No, they look really good. They do not make your legs look big. I really like them." I walked around and looked in the shoe mirror on the floor. My heart wanted them. My heart needed them and the tramp down inside was screaming "I don't care how much they cost, I want them!!" I turned to Shark Bait again and he smiled, "You're going to get them, aren't you?" Like he would ever even try to deny me anything I wanted. I smiled and said, "I have to." Shark Bait understood. And, if I dress like a slut, it's a win-win for him, really.
I left the store with the boots and my new shoes and as we walked to the truck Shark Bait says, "So how much did that cost?" Not like he cared, but he wanted to flip me crap about it anyway. Those boots were paid for by every pound I have lost. Those boots were paid for by every tear I cried because I couldn't have what everyone else had. Those boots were paid for with my hope for the future. I think they were priced right. And, they were, in fact, 25% off the regular price.
When I came home tonight, Shark Bait said, I think you need to blog about this. I said, "no, this isn't blog-worthy, this isn't a victory. These boots are made for larger calves, this isn't like I bought "normal people" boots. I haven't progressed. This isn't worth a blog." Shark Bait insisted it was. After all, I could not fit into the boots before and he could tell how much this meant to me. So, maybe it is. So, I blogged. So, this is today's story. This is my NSV.
Today I went to get some new shoes. Summer is just about over and it's time to think about shoes for Fall. I went to a place I found a couple years ago that specializes in wide width shoes. I have always struggled with fit because my feet are so wide and I have bad knees. The shoes are a little spendy, but they are excellent quality and last a long time. And, most importantly, they fit. That's kind of a big deal after years of collecting pair after pair of shoes that seemed to fit at the store and then hurt my feet or affected my knees after a few wears. I would add tape, or padding or moleskin or something to make them work. It was ridiculous. Anyway, this store has saved me since I found it. Today I was in there looking for some sensible, but cute shoes for Fall weather. I found a few that seemed to fit the bill, and were actually a half size smaller than my last visit to the store, which I thought was pretty cool. And then, I saw off in the corner with a sales sticker on it, a pair of tall, leather, black boots. I've dreamed of wearing such a pair of boots for a long time, but I have never been able to wear them because my calves are just simply too wide. Last year I got brave and found a pair of tall, cheaply made boots at the great American fat girl store, Lane Bryant. I bought them and tried to wear them, but they didn't fit right around the leg and the cheap material of the boots just slid down into a puddle around my ankles. The boot dream died and I gave them away. But, today, my eyes lit up, just a little. I wondered what it would be like to put those boots on. I wondered if they would fit. If they didn't, I would be sad. I mean, I was at a wide shoe store and those boots were made for someone with a larger calf size, so, theoretically, they might fit. I picked up the boots and stared at them. I petted them. I smelled them. I looked at the price and a little piece of me died inside. Holy shit they were expensive, but I had to know, would they fit?
Before I go on, I need you to understand something. I have always said, if I ever get skinny, I'm going to dress like the tramp I am deep inside. I want to wear a mini-skirt and tall boots. Not the "throw me down and fuck me" kind of boots with high heels, although....no, no, just the regular stylish ones. I want my boobs pushed up to here. I want to walk around like I'm always walking into a wind machine and that guys are always looking at my ass as I pass by. I know, it's so primal and shallow, but when you have spent your life trying to cover your body in shame and watching all these other girls/women get all the attention in the world and get to wear anything they want, you crave that. Okay, so maybe you don't, but I DO. Now, as I have lost some weight, I see what is going on with my thighs and it isn't pretty. Likely, I do not have a mini-skirt in my future. But maybe, just maybe, I have boots in my future. I don't have the legs for them, but I want to feel like I can wear them if I want to. Victoria Secret helped me get my boobs up to here, now I want to wear leather all the way from toe to knee.
As I stood there, having my boot fantasy, I put them back on the shelf and walked away. I tried some more shoes on. But there they were, just staring at me. I asked the sales associate, "can you see if you have those in my size?" She brought me two boxes out and set them in front of me. I stared at them and opened the box. I pulled one out and unzipped it. I was excited and scared. The store was full of people. What if they didn't fit around my legs, how embarrassing. As if sensing my inter turmoil, a larger, older lady with a walker and very swollen legs sitting across the way from me said, "I couldn't wear boots until I was 52 years old, my feet were always too big." I nodded in understanding and smiled at her. It was now or never. I pulled my jeans all the way up to my knees. I slipped the boot on my foot and pulled the top up. I pulled the zipper and prayed. They easily zipped all the way to the top. The sales clerk squealed with delight, "Oh, they fit!! Nice!" I put the other one on and walked over to Shark Bait, who was deep into reading something on his Kindle over in the corner. I said, "so what do you think?" He looked up, kind of like he was being the dutiful husband and was already prepared to say, "yes, baby, those are nice..." and then he saw what I was wearing and his face lit up and he said, "Hey, those look really good!" It was the response I needed to hear and see, but I immediately went into insecure mode, "Do you think they make my legs look bigger? Do you think I can pull them off? Do they look baggy around the ankle? What if I wear them with a skirt, don't you think my legs will look bigger?" He said, very firmly, "No, they look really good. They do not make your legs look big. I really like them." I walked around and looked in the shoe mirror on the floor. My heart wanted them. My heart needed them and the tramp down inside was screaming "I don't care how much they cost, I want them!!" I turned to Shark Bait again and he smiled, "You're going to get them, aren't you?" Like he would ever even try to deny me anything I wanted. I smiled and said, "I have to." Shark Bait understood. And, if I dress like a slut, it's a win-win for him, really.
I left the store with the boots and my new shoes and as we walked to the truck Shark Bait says, "So how much did that cost?" Not like he cared, but he wanted to flip me crap about it anyway. Those boots were paid for by every pound I have lost. Those boots were paid for by every tear I cried because I couldn't have what everyone else had. Those boots were paid for with my hope for the future. I think they were priced right. And, they were, in fact, 25% off the regular price.
When I came home tonight, Shark Bait said, I think you need to blog about this. I said, "no, this isn't blog-worthy, this isn't a victory. These boots are made for larger calves, this isn't like I bought "normal people" boots. I haven't progressed. This isn't worth a blog." Shark Bait insisted it was. After all, I could not fit into the boots before and he could tell how much this meant to me. So, maybe it is. So, I blogged. So, this is today's story. This is my NSV.
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| Boot Love. One step closer to dressing like a tramp! |
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