Today we had to attend a funeral of someone that Shark Bait knew growing up. She was one of his friends' mothers. Shark Bait comes from a very small town with a graduating class of like, 35 or something like that. So, on this rainy Sunday, we are off to catch the ferry and head over to the peninsula. Now, it is important, whenever heading on such an adventure that you have a beverage and some sort of crackers because, to be honest, I'm delicate. I get car sick or sea sick pretty easily. We stop at 7-11 to get Shark Bait a Slurpee and me something that doesn't have enough sugar to jack up 10 school kids. They had the straws with mustache's on them for 99 cents. We were all over that. Who doesn't want a straw with a mustache? And, if you don't, you're dumb. There, I said it. You 'ol stick in the mud. Live a little. Like us.
Anyway, with provisions purchased, we continued on. We arrived at the ferry with time to spare, which was nice, since I had to pee. Shark Bait says I have plenty of time to run over to the little restroom. I go in there and it is a two-stall ghetto situation. I almost run smack into this Asian lady wearing a purple ensemble. She looked surprised and scampered past me. I go in the stall and what I saw horrified me. She had pissed everywhere. It's like her vagina was a fire hose on a five alarm fire. Ridiculous. I was so grossed out and my eyes darted all over trying to find a place where there was no urine. I contemplated how many seat covers it would take me to actually consider hovering anywhere in that stall. It was just then I heard the announcement telling people to return to their cars. I go running back out to the truck cussing like a sailor telling Shark Bait and really, anyone with their window down, about the purple-clad Asian pissing machine. If I pissed my pants, it was going to be her fault. I would have to wait until I was on the ferry. I saw her run past the truck and I pointed and yelled, "There she is! The purple Asian bitch that pisses everywhere!"
Our adventure continued and we finally arrived at the little town where Shark Bait grew up. We went into a little cafe to grab some lunch. As luck would have it, I had to pee again. I head into the bathroom, another two-stall situation. I open the door and instantly am horrified as I find a girl pulling her pants up. "OMG, I'm so sorry!" I said as I shut the door. She says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't lock it. It's a small town, I didn't think anyone else would be in here." I said, "yeah, we are probably the only women in here." I didn't get the memo about public peeing in small towns. If it is a small town, we are all friends, we pee with the door open? Whatever. I've about had enough bathroom drama today.
Some of Shark Baits friends start to show up and introductions are made. I'm trying to remember faces and names. I met a Heidi, another Heidi, a Katie, Lance and an Andrea. I'd probably remember that. I was informed that the one Heidi had already seen some of my posts on Shark Bait's FB page. I believe she said she had seen the pink PJ video, or one of them had. Great. At least people's expectations of me should be low. We then went to the church and sat down for the service. One of Shark Bait's other friends, Short Bus, was already there with one of her friends, or cousin, or someone (I think her name was Carrie...dang, I didn't know there was going to be a test later). I'm introduced to her and she says, "Oh yeah, I saw you in the PJ video." Seriously? She says, "yeah, if my husband had done that, I'd probably have killed him." I look at Shark Bait and say, "Oh, I just like to spread the torture out, I'm going to spend a lifetime killing him for that." Just the other day, Shark Bait had a conversation going with someone he knows on FB saying how they had seen my PJ video. Sweet Jesus. All I know is, you people don't understand the power of the pajamas. Until you know...you don't know. And you can't possibly understand, but I digress.
We attend the service and it is very nice. I don't know the woman that passed, but from the stories told about her, I wish I had known her. She seemed like one heck of a woman, kind, beautiful, feisty, funny and warm. I can only hope when I pass that people will have such kind things to say about me. And, of course, they should play the PJ video...sigh.
Right after the service it's time to walk around and say hello to Shark Bait's friends. Some I have met previously at his high school reunion or at our wedding. Everyone who sees me and has met me previously hugs me. These small town people are huggy. And, you know I put off that huggy vibe, so you know, people can't really help themselves. I draw them in with my sweet nature and demeanor. They are all open to my fuzziness, apparently. One guy says to me, "did you enjoy your hamburger?" I looked at him strangely, "...um, yes?" He says, "I sat across from you at the cafe." Oh, well, then, shit, I'd better get this guy on my Christmas card list, stat. You know, I grew up in a small town myself, so I get it, but this town really can't be classified as small. There has to be a word to indicate smaller than small. Maybe like a micro-community. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy that kind of connection and sense of family, but dude, I don't even know that we made eye-contact in that cafe. It's too soon for you to ask about my burger. It's too new. Maybe we could learn names first. Anyway, we said some more good-byes and one one of Shark Bait's friends asked me how we had met. We told her the story and I said, "Yeah, he lucked out, cuz the last guy I dated was a real rat-bastard, so it made Shark Bait look pretty nice." She was like, "Rat Bastard? I've never heard that word before." Yes, not only am I huggy, I'm educational. I felt inspired to leave my mark on this little town, so I continued, "I also like the word, Asshat." She hadn't heard that before either. I didn't want to over-stimulate her with some of my other favorites, so I went easy. Over time, maybe we can talk about how it is "hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock" "hotter than a popcorn fart" "colder than a well-digger's ass" etc. I might have some really good "nuggets" for her. Maybe next time I see her.
We finally finished hugging and bonding and Shark Bait and I headed back towards the ferry. I was checking my Facebook updates and noticed one of my old friends, Cubie-B, said she had a candy shop by the ferry dock and we should stop by. I haven't seen her in forever. I heart Cubie-B. We stopped and saw her, and yeah, more hugging took place. I'm on fire today, beating them off with a stick, practically. We reminisced a bit, I bought some taffy and off Shark Bait and I went back to the truck to catch the next ferry. We get all loaded back on and, yeah, I have to pee again. I head up there, do my thing, without incident, I might add, and come back out. Where the heck is Shark Bait? I finally hear him, even before I see him. On the ferry there is this big map of the sound and the different routes the ferries take. Shark Bait is over giving some sort of dissertation to the crowd about the route, other traveling and what are the best places to go. Sweet Maryanne, that guy is like the freaking Ask Jeeves of the WA Ferry Dept. He should be getting paid for this info session he is holding. My word, how did I end up with a friendly guy? I sat quietly waiting for the session to be over. He sits down next to me and then instantly starts up a conversation with a toddler that is staring at us. I had been successfully ignoring her. Not Shark Bait. He has to know what is all over her face, what she had for lunch, what is in her hand. She is staring at him with these big eyes. She's not talking to this weird bald guy, no way, but she is sure as hell not going to stop staring at him, which only encourages him to continue on his interrogation. Friendly people, I don't understand them.
I had enough of looking at the water and getting seasick, so we headed down to the truck. Shark Bait gets out his Kindle and is deep into a book. I can't seem to stop seeing the water. I needed a distraction. I'm looking around and see a No Smoking sign. I said, randomly, "so, do you think you can have sex in the back seat of your truck on the ferry? Is there a law about that?" Shark Bait said, "uh, yeah, pretty sure that is not allowed." I countered, "I don't see a sign saying we can't...but then, I guess there are a lot of things people aren't allowed to do that are not on signs." I mean, my mind boggles at all the things we shouldn't do. Like, I don't recall seeing a sign that says we can't shoot Asians wearing purple that have a grand canyon for a vagina and can't control themselves. Anyway, that is a whole other blog about what should be on a sign. I'll spare you all the visual, however, Shark Bait and I did not have sex in the back of the truck. I mean we might later or something, here at home...wait...is he upstairs snoring? Scratch that. Looks like I'll just be contemplating all the things that aren't on a sign that should be...but aren't. I may even have time to make some signs...tonight.
Well, I guess that pretty accurately wraps up my Sunday adventures. I'm probably going to go sit on my toilet with confidence that if anyone pissed on it, it was probably me, and I probably cleaned it up. I've got Shark Bait trained. He's not a seat pisser. Him and the dogs, they have pee under control. If only everyone else could. It's a crazy dream, I know. Anyway, over and out. I'm exhausted from all that hugging...and peeing.
G'night.
Anyway, with provisions purchased, we continued on. We arrived at the ferry with time to spare, which was nice, since I had to pee. Shark Bait says I have plenty of time to run over to the little restroom. I go in there and it is a two-stall ghetto situation. I almost run smack into this Asian lady wearing a purple ensemble. She looked surprised and scampered past me. I go in the stall and what I saw horrified me. She had pissed everywhere. It's like her vagina was a fire hose on a five alarm fire. Ridiculous. I was so grossed out and my eyes darted all over trying to find a place where there was no urine. I contemplated how many seat covers it would take me to actually consider hovering anywhere in that stall. It was just then I heard the announcement telling people to return to their cars. I go running back out to the truck cussing like a sailor telling Shark Bait and really, anyone with their window down, about the purple-clad Asian pissing machine. If I pissed my pants, it was going to be her fault. I would have to wait until I was on the ferry. I saw her run past the truck and I pointed and yelled, "There she is! The purple Asian bitch that pisses everywhere!"
Our adventure continued and we finally arrived at the little town where Shark Bait grew up. We went into a little cafe to grab some lunch. As luck would have it, I had to pee again. I head into the bathroom, another two-stall situation. I open the door and instantly am horrified as I find a girl pulling her pants up. "OMG, I'm so sorry!" I said as I shut the door. She says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't lock it. It's a small town, I didn't think anyone else would be in here." I said, "yeah, we are probably the only women in here." I didn't get the memo about public peeing in small towns. If it is a small town, we are all friends, we pee with the door open? Whatever. I've about had enough bathroom drama today.
Some of Shark Baits friends start to show up and introductions are made. I'm trying to remember faces and names. I met a Heidi, another Heidi, a Katie, Lance and an Andrea. I'd probably remember that. I was informed that the one Heidi had already seen some of my posts on Shark Bait's FB page. I believe she said she had seen the pink PJ video, or one of them had. Great. At least people's expectations of me should be low. We then went to the church and sat down for the service. One of Shark Bait's other friends, Short Bus, was already there with one of her friends, or cousin, or someone (I think her name was Carrie...dang, I didn't know there was going to be a test later). I'm introduced to her and she says, "Oh yeah, I saw you in the PJ video." Seriously? She says, "yeah, if my husband had done that, I'd probably have killed him." I look at Shark Bait and say, "Oh, I just like to spread the torture out, I'm going to spend a lifetime killing him for that." Just the other day, Shark Bait had a conversation going with someone he knows on FB saying how they had seen my PJ video. Sweet Jesus. All I know is, you people don't understand the power of the pajamas. Until you know...you don't know. And you can't possibly understand, but I digress.
We attend the service and it is very nice. I don't know the woman that passed, but from the stories told about her, I wish I had known her. She seemed like one heck of a woman, kind, beautiful, feisty, funny and warm. I can only hope when I pass that people will have such kind things to say about me. And, of course, they should play the PJ video...sigh.
Right after the service it's time to walk around and say hello to Shark Bait's friends. Some I have met previously at his high school reunion or at our wedding. Everyone who sees me and has met me previously hugs me. These small town people are huggy. And, you know I put off that huggy vibe, so you know, people can't really help themselves. I draw them in with my sweet nature and demeanor. They are all open to my fuzziness, apparently. One guy says to me, "did you enjoy your hamburger?" I looked at him strangely, "...um, yes?" He says, "I sat across from you at the cafe." Oh, well, then, shit, I'd better get this guy on my Christmas card list, stat. You know, I grew up in a small town myself, so I get it, but this town really can't be classified as small. There has to be a word to indicate smaller than small. Maybe like a micro-community. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy that kind of connection and sense of family, but dude, I don't even know that we made eye-contact in that cafe. It's too soon for you to ask about my burger. It's too new. Maybe we could learn names first. Anyway, we said some more good-byes and one one of Shark Bait's friends asked me how we had met. We told her the story and I said, "Yeah, he lucked out, cuz the last guy I dated was a real rat-bastard, so it made Shark Bait look pretty nice." She was like, "Rat Bastard? I've never heard that word before." Yes, not only am I huggy, I'm educational. I felt inspired to leave my mark on this little town, so I continued, "I also like the word, Asshat." She hadn't heard that before either. I didn't want to over-stimulate her with some of my other favorites, so I went easy. Over time, maybe we can talk about how it is "hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock" "hotter than a popcorn fart" "colder than a well-digger's ass" etc. I might have some really good "nuggets" for her. Maybe next time I see her.
We finally finished hugging and bonding and Shark Bait and I headed back towards the ferry. I was checking my Facebook updates and noticed one of my old friends, Cubie-B, said she had a candy shop by the ferry dock and we should stop by. I haven't seen her in forever. I heart Cubie-B. We stopped and saw her, and yeah, more hugging took place. I'm on fire today, beating them off with a stick, practically. We reminisced a bit, I bought some taffy and off Shark Bait and I went back to the truck to catch the next ferry. We get all loaded back on and, yeah, I have to pee again. I head up there, do my thing, without incident, I might add, and come back out. Where the heck is Shark Bait? I finally hear him, even before I see him. On the ferry there is this big map of the sound and the different routes the ferries take. Shark Bait is over giving some sort of dissertation to the crowd about the route, other traveling and what are the best places to go. Sweet Maryanne, that guy is like the freaking Ask Jeeves of the WA Ferry Dept. He should be getting paid for this info session he is holding. My word, how did I end up with a friendly guy? I sat quietly waiting for the session to be over. He sits down next to me and then instantly starts up a conversation with a toddler that is staring at us. I had been successfully ignoring her. Not Shark Bait. He has to know what is all over her face, what she had for lunch, what is in her hand. She is staring at him with these big eyes. She's not talking to this weird bald guy, no way, but she is sure as hell not going to stop staring at him, which only encourages him to continue on his interrogation. Friendly people, I don't understand them.
I had enough of looking at the water and getting seasick, so we headed down to the truck. Shark Bait gets out his Kindle and is deep into a book. I can't seem to stop seeing the water. I needed a distraction. I'm looking around and see a No Smoking sign. I said, randomly, "so, do you think you can have sex in the back seat of your truck on the ferry? Is there a law about that?" Shark Bait said, "uh, yeah, pretty sure that is not allowed." I countered, "I don't see a sign saying we can't...but then, I guess there are a lot of things people aren't allowed to do that are not on signs." I mean, my mind boggles at all the things we shouldn't do. Like, I don't recall seeing a sign that says we can't shoot Asians wearing purple that have a grand canyon for a vagina and can't control themselves. Anyway, that is a whole other blog about what should be on a sign. I'll spare you all the visual, however, Shark Bait and I did not have sex in the back of the truck. I mean we might later or something, here at home...wait...is he upstairs snoring? Scratch that. Looks like I'll just be contemplating all the things that aren't on a sign that should be...but aren't. I may even have time to make some signs...tonight.
Well, I guess that pretty accurately wraps up my Sunday adventures. I'm probably going to go sit on my toilet with confidence that if anyone pissed on it, it was probably me, and I probably cleaned it up. I've got Shark Bait trained. He's not a seat pisser. Him and the dogs, they have pee under control. If only everyone else could. It's a crazy dream, I know. Anyway, over and out. I'm exhausted from all that hugging...and peeing.
G'night.
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