Ever have one of those days where you get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "who is that ugly mug staring back at me? What has happened to me?" And I'm not saying that because I am looking for someone to say, "oh that's not true, don't be hard on yourself." Shut your pie hole...unless it's an Apple Pie hole. I'm just saying it was a day where I thought, damn, I'm getting old and ugly. I'm allowed to think that. So back the eff off. Anyway, that was the kind of morning I was having.
I arrived at work and sat at my desk. I looked around. It's like I work in a freaking daycare. Everyone is decorating their team areas for "Summer Fun." How exciting. You know what would be fun? Weather that looked and felt like summer. Now, that'd be fun. Someone had gone so far as to hang a kite above my head and put a smiley balloon on my desk. Fuck off. I don't need that kind of whimsical crap around my area. I've got ponies on my desk, what is more fun than that? I told the team leader of the area closest to me that his area looked like a day old frat party and that I was waiting for some big, hairy, fat guy to come walking around the corner in his tightie-whities drinking a beer and belching. Dumb, it looks dumb. I hate looking at it. And then, he has this cactus put up that he stole from another team area. The damn cactus won't stand upright. He has a limp cactus. That isn't inspiring at all. That isn't fun.
Speaking of fun, I got to start my day talking to the building manager about how people in the building were moving furniture, moving microwaves and turning the water and coffee machines off. What is wrong with people? I don't even have effing time to pee during my work day but these effing punk-ass gangsters have the time to screw with the break area like they own it. Here's a thought, come to work, do your fucking job, then go home and move your couch around if you can't stand yourself. Why do people do this stuff? It's already been proven they can't pee into a hole without over-spray. It's already been proven they can't keep their own feces off the wall (maybe the feces is actually gang signs...now it is starting to make sense). It's already been proven they can't pick up paper towels off the floor if they drop one. Who do I work with? Who are these people?
The day continues on brutally slow and I am on my way to the bathroom when I get side-tracked by someone who asked where a training class was located. She said, "Where is the training? Is it on the 5th floor on the other side of the building?" I looked at her perplexed as we just moved our entire building from the south side over to the north side. The south side was completely vacant and blocked off. Exactly what training could possibly go on over there? I responded that no, we didn't have training over there, it is on the 5th floor, however. She said, "Where is the 5th floor?" I stood there, dazed and confused, awe struck, really. I said, "Well, get in the elevator, push the button that says five and then ride it until it lets you out on five, then get out. Or, trot your ass up these stairs till you get to the top." She says, "but we don't have a 5th floor." I was now completely confused as this person used to work on the 5th floor on the other side of the building. The two sides mirrored each other, so it would stand to reason we had 5 floors on each side. I again assured her we had five floors and she seemed reluctant, but also accepting on a basic level. I walked back towards my desk and then realized I had forgotten to pee, so went back to the scene of the crime where I had been asked the most ridiculous question of the day.
As if the day could not get any more ridiculous, our new life-size statue mascot arrived today. You see, my company has decided what we really need is an animal spokesperson. I guess Bradley Cooper, Morgan Freeman and Justin Beiber must have been busy, because my company decided on an animal instead. I won't say what animal, specifically, let's just hypothesize it is a cow named Bob. Bob arrived today and we had to have a big ol unveiling ceremony. Now, Bob is pretty close to life-size and his hooves are bolted down to a wooden pallet. I told my boss she should get on him so we could get a picture. She said no. No one was going to ride Bob. It's a safety hazard and Bob could break. I know the people I work with and how they think. I went back to my desk and sent out an email instructing them, "Do NOT sit on Bob. Do NOT ride Bob." Then, I went and got a dry erase board and put it up by Bob telling people, "Do Not Sit on or Ride Bob." That should do it.
Now, you know where this is going, we all know where this is going. Not 30 minutes later a supervisor comes over and informs me that she caught Daisy Dumbass trying to mount Bob. Turns out Daisy was all upset because she couldn't get up on Bob and her pants were getting dirty. Bob is currently white and we have a contest to decorate/paint him, but right now he is primitive, at best. The supervisor informed her she could not do that. I sat there, as she told me, just shaking my head. There is always one. They can't read and they have no common sense. I was not amazed, but still irritated. What is wrong with people? Was she dry humping him? Was she trying to make the rodeo proud? Who was going to take her picture once she got up there? I was baffled. It isn't like we left a mounting block or steps to encourage people to get on him. There was a sign that said DON'T. People are dumb.
Not 30 minutes beyond that, one of the other supervisors walks up and informs me that there is now a problem with the sign I had made. Seems someone had erased the "Do Not" part on my sign, so now it read, "Sit on or Ride Bob." Mother Trucker. Like I have nothing better to do than to take care of this kind of shit. I mean, obviously I can't just leave it like that, people already want to try their luck for eight seconds on good 'ol anatomically correct Bob. I am pissed. People complain we treat them like kids, well, why do you think that is? I not only fixed the sign, but added a second sign. If this continues, I am putting fucking police tape all over that damn cow and adding an electric fence.
I had to get out of there. This was all too much for me. Generally, I like my co-workers, but I was about to go buck-ass crazy on the next person I saw trying to mount that fucking cow. It was best I leave. This cow could be the death of me. This is only the first day of the rest of my life with that damn cow. And, I'm not over-reacting. There is actually footage of people running and jumping over a big table we had set up in that same area after hours. If they will jump a table, what the hell are they going to do to that poor cow?
I told my boss I was leaving for the night and that we would try this whole adventure in the Glass Palace thing again tomorrow. I told her I wouldn't be perky as her, but I'd be here. She said, "Oh, I'm gonna work on you, pretty soon you will be just as perky as me!" I told her I didn't think so. This sounds like a personal challenge to me. She doesn't have enough smiley faced balloons to make that happen. She doesn't stand a chance, but it is still too soon to crush her hope. She walked away from me, heading back to her office, almost bouncing. I give her snaps for having hope. It's kind of cute. Not cute like a pony cute, but cute like she has hope cute. I gotta believe the cow mounters will break her spirit just a little. It sure is twisting my tail.
Now, if you excuse me, I've gotta get some rest, cuz I sense there will be a showdown at the OK Corral at high noon and I want to be ready.
Good night.
I arrived at work and sat at my desk. I looked around. It's like I work in a freaking daycare. Everyone is decorating their team areas for "Summer Fun." How exciting. You know what would be fun? Weather that looked and felt like summer. Now, that'd be fun. Someone had gone so far as to hang a kite above my head and put a smiley balloon on my desk. Fuck off. I don't need that kind of whimsical crap around my area. I've got ponies on my desk, what is more fun than that? I told the team leader of the area closest to me that his area looked like a day old frat party and that I was waiting for some big, hairy, fat guy to come walking around the corner in his tightie-whities drinking a beer and belching. Dumb, it looks dumb. I hate looking at it. And then, he has this cactus put up that he stole from another team area. The damn cactus won't stand upright. He has a limp cactus. That isn't inspiring at all. That isn't fun.
Speaking of fun, I got to start my day talking to the building manager about how people in the building were moving furniture, moving microwaves and turning the water and coffee machines off. What is wrong with people? I don't even have effing time to pee during my work day but these effing punk-ass gangsters have the time to screw with the break area like they own it. Here's a thought, come to work, do your fucking job, then go home and move your couch around if you can't stand yourself. Why do people do this stuff? It's already been proven they can't pee into a hole without over-spray. It's already been proven they can't keep their own feces off the wall (maybe the feces is actually gang signs...now it is starting to make sense). It's already been proven they can't pick up paper towels off the floor if they drop one. Who do I work with? Who are these people?
The day continues on brutally slow and I am on my way to the bathroom when I get side-tracked by someone who asked where a training class was located. She said, "Where is the training? Is it on the 5th floor on the other side of the building?" I looked at her perplexed as we just moved our entire building from the south side over to the north side. The south side was completely vacant and blocked off. Exactly what training could possibly go on over there? I responded that no, we didn't have training over there, it is on the 5th floor, however. She said, "Where is the 5th floor?" I stood there, dazed and confused, awe struck, really. I said, "Well, get in the elevator, push the button that says five and then ride it until it lets you out on five, then get out. Or, trot your ass up these stairs till you get to the top." She says, "but we don't have a 5th floor." I was now completely confused as this person used to work on the 5th floor on the other side of the building. The two sides mirrored each other, so it would stand to reason we had 5 floors on each side. I again assured her we had five floors and she seemed reluctant, but also accepting on a basic level. I walked back towards my desk and then realized I had forgotten to pee, so went back to the scene of the crime where I had been asked the most ridiculous question of the day.
As if the day could not get any more ridiculous, our new life-size statue mascot arrived today. You see, my company has decided what we really need is an animal spokesperson. I guess Bradley Cooper, Morgan Freeman and Justin Beiber must have been busy, because my company decided on an animal instead. I won't say what animal, specifically, let's just hypothesize it is a cow named Bob. Bob arrived today and we had to have a big ol unveiling ceremony. Now, Bob is pretty close to life-size and his hooves are bolted down to a wooden pallet. I told my boss she should get on him so we could get a picture. She said no. No one was going to ride Bob. It's a safety hazard and Bob could break. I know the people I work with and how they think. I went back to my desk and sent out an email instructing them, "Do NOT sit on Bob. Do NOT ride Bob." Then, I went and got a dry erase board and put it up by Bob telling people, "Do Not Sit on or Ride Bob." That should do it.
Now, you know where this is going, we all know where this is going. Not 30 minutes later a supervisor comes over and informs me that she caught Daisy Dumbass trying to mount Bob. Turns out Daisy was all upset because she couldn't get up on Bob and her pants were getting dirty. Bob is currently white and we have a contest to decorate/paint him, but right now he is primitive, at best. The supervisor informed her she could not do that. I sat there, as she told me, just shaking my head. There is always one. They can't read and they have no common sense. I was not amazed, but still irritated. What is wrong with people? Was she dry humping him? Was she trying to make the rodeo proud? Who was going to take her picture once she got up there? I was baffled. It isn't like we left a mounting block or steps to encourage people to get on him. There was a sign that said DON'T. People are dumb.
Not 30 minutes beyond that, one of the other supervisors walks up and informs me that there is now a problem with the sign I had made. Seems someone had erased the "Do Not" part on my sign, so now it read, "Sit on or Ride Bob." Mother Trucker. Like I have nothing better to do than to take care of this kind of shit. I mean, obviously I can't just leave it like that, people already want to try their luck for eight seconds on good 'ol anatomically correct Bob. I am pissed. People complain we treat them like kids, well, why do you think that is? I not only fixed the sign, but added a second sign. If this continues, I am putting fucking police tape all over that damn cow and adding an electric fence.
I had to get out of there. This was all too much for me. Generally, I like my co-workers, but I was about to go buck-ass crazy on the next person I saw trying to mount that fucking cow. It was best I leave. This cow could be the death of me. This is only the first day of the rest of my life with that damn cow. And, I'm not over-reacting. There is actually footage of people running and jumping over a big table we had set up in that same area after hours. If they will jump a table, what the hell are they going to do to that poor cow?
I told my boss I was leaving for the night and that we would try this whole adventure in the Glass Palace thing again tomorrow. I told her I wouldn't be perky as her, but I'd be here. She said, "Oh, I'm gonna work on you, pretty soon you will be just as perky as me!" I told her I didn't think so. This sounds like a personal challenge to me. She doesn't have enough smiley faced balloons to make that happen. She doesn't stand a chance, but it is still too soon to crush her hope. She walked away from me, heading back to her office, almost bouncing. I give her snaps for having hope. It's kind of cute. Not cute like a pony cute, but cute like she has hope cute. I gotta believe the cow mounters will break her spirit just a little. It sure is twisting my tail.
Now, if you excuse me, I've gotta get some rest, cuz I sense there will be a showdown at the OK Corral at high noon and I want to be ready.
Good night.
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